AIBU to not want to have a baby with autistic partner?

[MeVengo]

Hi everyone. Apologies about the grabby title.

I guess I'm looking for any advice or words of wisdom here. I already have 5 year old DD with ExH. I've been with my partner a couple of years, this year slowly introducing him to DD with the plans of hopefully living together next year. As long as DD is happy and settled that is, she is a priority of course.

Anyway more to the point. My partner is autistic. I know there is risk of having an autistic child regardless of genetics and that was a risk I was willing to take when I had DD (2 NT parents.) My partner is autistic. It does come with its challenges but I love him and he's been very open and honest about it. Recently we had a conversation about having children. I'd like one more, and he would like one. We were speaking about what he was like as a child. Him and his brother are both autistic. He was essentially telling me that he didn't sleep for the most of his childhood, he ended up in respite care for periods of time as did his brother. There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.

I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling. Of course no post chooses to have an autistic or disabled child, but I'm going to have to tell him that I don't think I can willingly try for a baby with him knowing there's such much bigger risk factors. The impact it could have on my DD. I've read through many threads on here recently after we discussed this, and there are so many many threads where (mostly mums) struggle, how their life is turned upside down, the impact on any siblings etc.

As mentioned I know there's a risk for any child to have any sort of disability, and that's a risk I'm willing to take. But when there's genetics and immediate family history of it, I think that's different.

Am I being unreasonable to feel like this? Can any parents who have been in this situation give me any words of wisdom? Do any parents of autistic children in hindsight would you change anything?

If he really wants to have a child, and he's so within his rights to want that for himself, as much as it will break my heart I will have to end the relationship because I wouldn't want him to feel stuck or resentful towards me because of how I feel.

As much as he has been open and honest about his autism, now we spent a lot more time together, there are definite struggles, some adaptable but some challenges for sure. I desperately don't want to end a relationship 'because he is autistic' but I just know that's how he will take it, if I tell him I don't want to have a baby with him. And that breaks my heart. I feel awful about this and don't really know if I'm entitled to even feel like this.

How patronising, it's not your place to tel OP to leave, she can make that decision herself.

And she has not been ableist at all.

Still waiting to hear from people who think OP is ableist why it's ok for them to take folic acid to reduce the risk of birth defects in their baby, but OP wanting to reduce the risk of having a child with autism by not having a baby with an autistic man means she sees disabled people as 'inferior'.

A shame as many autistic people dispute the high functioning description for autism on the ground that it is in fact disabling and there isn’t such a thing as high functioning ….

The fact you feel like attacking others and say you’re better than them doesn’t help either.

Honestly, you’re right not to. If you didn’t have a child already then I would still tell you to think hard about this.

If your partner struggles as an autistic adult he may also find parenting difficult in ways he doesn’t yet know and which wouldn’t necessarily be apparent even if he was a step-parent to your daughter as he wouldn’t really be doing any heavy parenting, would get respite when she’s at her dads and he’d just get to do the fun stuff.

FWIW I have a DSS who is autistic and in a SEN school - I knew he was autistic the day I met him (he was 2 and undiagnosed and his parents hadn’t yet figured it out but I’m a teacher and my family have a lot of people working in SEND). I still choose to blend families and have a child with DP, but I probably was naive because as DSS gets older he gets new challenges and actually a 5 year old autistic child may be easier than a 10 year old depending on how complex their needs are. I love my DSS and in many ways he is easy for an ASD child (he sleeps pretty well, is verbal and we are able to include him in pretty much everything as he’s also ADHD and so not anxious about social situations, going out or new events). However, truthfully I didn’t realise how much of an impact having a child with SEND can have - it’s not just the behaviour within the home or impact on siblings of meltdowns, stimming or things like dealing with soiling even when they’re well past toddler age, it’s the exhaustion of battling to get them the support they need and deserve from the education system. I know we will face a similar battle when he’s older if he needs assisted living or carers etc. so it’s a lifelong battle if you have a child with SEND.

Me and DP are very lucky that our child together doesn’t have SEND and knowing the family history I think that’s because the ASD comes from DSS mothers (he has cousins on her side with significant ASD too) rather than my DP. knowing what I do about the stress of raising an ASD child who is in many ways high functioning, I would definitely not choose to have a child in your situation.

The whole OP and thread was asking for opinions as to what she should do and every single post gave an opinion. 😂

Yes, but you keep repeating that she should leave him and he will be better off like you're an oracle.

She has already she's ended it, it doesn't need repeating.

My ex was autistic and I can assure you that if you'd told him he was part of an autistic community he'd have laughed in your face.

I concede that in many ways he had his positives: extremely intelligent, quick thinking and so on but he was an absolute pain in the ass to be in a relationship with.

And this is what it is all about: not an autistic person as an individual human being but how they are in a relationship and in my experience the answer is awful.

Well it does when posters are accusing me of saying she shouldn’t separate from him. I never said that and will highlight that every time.

Autistic people are not all awful in a relationship, no more so than all NT are great in relationships.

She didn't accuse you, she talked about the 'minority who are implying OP should continue the relationship else she's a bad person for not doing so.'

And that has happened,. with posters telling OP she is not being fair to him by rejecting having a child with him.

Several posters have repeatedly done so, if you care so much be my guest and reread the very long thread.

So why are you accusing @TotaleclipseinFrance for what other posters have done (as you claim)?

Yeah so what?
The OP asked for experiences and I gave mine.

This is NOT about autistic people's worth as individual people. I accept they've a lot to offer their friends, family and the world in general but my experience as a NT woman, and those of other NT women involved with autistic men , is that autistic men have certain traits that make them particularly difficult in certain predictable ways when in a relationship.

You can’t write off all autistic men like that, autistic people vary massively. We’re not a homogenous group and we do not deserve to be written off because of a disability.

She has repeatedly written offensive ableist posts .

🤦‍♀️

That is not what I asked and you know it.

I’m asking why you are making out that a lot of people on this thread are saying that you specifically should not have had children when that is not the case?

Saying you would not want to knowingly take on having a disabled child because you don’t believe you and your family could cope is not ableism or against you whatsoever.

You are happy with your lot and many have nowhere near said you shouldn’t be so why do you seem to be making out that the majority of posters are saying that?

You and the other poster, who keeps announcing their departure like it’s the airport, might as well be Ryanair since they’re not actually departing, (not saying they have, just pointing out they’re own words) keep making out as if people have literally said that you two specifically shouldn’t have had children, shouldn’t be happy with the family you have yet, cannot point out what posters have literally said that to you.

OP can’t be anymore clearer on what she meant nor the people who have explained why and their own personal experience which include those who are ND, those already caring for ND children, those who had ND family members, and other possible situations and yet that seems to be an issue if it is not the exact same experience as your own.

Well at least you (seem) to accept that this is not about autistic men as individual people only in relationships.

I have, given my experiences with not one but two autistic men, have written them off as relationship material for myself.

That is my right and I stand by it.

Others are free to do otherwise.

So you write off all groups of disabled people , treat them as a humorous group and less than purely because of their disability when said disability and personalities will vary hugely.

I haven’t announced my departure once. And actually the op accused posters of choosing to have a disabled child as selfish. An autistic mother like me with autism throughout her family is pretty much choosing to have a disabled child as the chances are high. As such one presumes she thinks I shouldn’t have children.

Dating, sex, babies etc is an area where you are 100% allowed to write off an entire group for yourself.

It doesn't matter if someone is white, black, Asian, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, NT, ND, able, disabled, non-disabled, you can reject them for dating and sex and babies and marriage for whatever reason you like.

But you can still be called out on your racism and ableism.

And actually the op accused posters of choosing to have a disabled child as selfish.

No, she didn't, OP said it for herself, for her own individual circumstances. She has a child that she doesn't want to have to be a carer for in the event something happens to OP.

Here is what she said:

There's also a big genetic link with autism too. To be honest I just don't think I can willingly TTC knowing there's such a big risk. It's a different risk to TTC with no history of neurodiversity and that was a risk I was willing to take 6 years ago.
I feel pretty selfish for having this point of view and I can't really articulate how I'm really feeling.

Except she didn’t say that.

It's not racist not to want to have sex with someone because of their race, colour, religion or disability.

Or ableist.

You're heading into Handmaiden territory, where women should sleep with men to give them a chance of fatherhood.

And I STILL didn't get an answer as to why it's ok for @Sky1ark and @Lacksie to take folic acid to reduce the risk of having a baby with birth defects but OP is ableist for wanting to reduce the risk of having a child with autism.

When it comes to relationships with autistic men, yes. Yes I do.

You're not going to shame me, or make me feel bad for it so don't even try.

It's my right as an autonomous person to choose.