AIBU to expect better while I’m away for a weekend?

[WoIsMe]

I was at Cub Scout camp last weekend from Friday afternoon straight after work until around 5 p.m. on Sunday. I’m a Beaver Scout leader and already do three camps a year with them but Cubs needed a Nights Away permit holder and asked me to attend Cub camp as a favour. I didn’t really want to go but they would have had to cancel the camp if I didn’t go so I felt I had to attend. Added to that, we had an injury at camp so I spent Saturday afternoon at A&E and then making the required follow up reports after dealing with a stressed and scared child.

Fast forward to this morning and:

1. DS13 has gone to school in just a polo shirt as DH didn’t wash any school uniform over the weekend. He washed his own clothes and running kit, just none of the kids’ clothes.
2. DS11 hasn’t done any homework so he’ll get a negative behaviour point and a detention at school. DH said he didn’t know there was any homework despite the fact that he has the school homework app.
3. I had to problem solve to make packed lunches for them both since DH went food shopping but didn’t get any bread, sandwich fillings, fruit or snacks.

DH says it doesn’t matter as it’s too late to do anything about it now.

So, AIBU to think a grown man should be able to do the bare minimum for his children when his wife is away for the entire weekend?

He clearly does nothing any weekend, why do you do it all?

He clearly sees parenting as Not His Problem. He needs a major attitude readjustment.

Or a kick up the arse.

He obviously needs to do more jobs around the house, not less, so he knows what to do in your absence

He's in charge of checking homework, laundry and school packed lunches from now on.

Are your children unable to use the washing machine?
Presumably they know they have homework and when it needs to be done by?
Perhaps you should start including the children in the domestic routine?
However, as a one off, your husband should have been less self-centred.

Why should be a one-off? It’s not OP’s job, they’re both parents.

I’m with you for all of it except the 11 year old’s homework. No parental involvement should be needed there. If the 11 year old now gets in trouble for this, that’s on them and won’t do them any harm.

Stop doing everything!
Will be no harm for the children to see consequences and learn from this.

Homework is on the kids but I still wash / iron uniform and sort out lunch stuff (my older two are the same ages as yours @WoIsMe )

This reminds me that I need to give them both an ironing lesson as soon as we have time.

No DH here to help as he was as useless and incompetent as yours among other things so we are no longer together.

I bet he doesn’t say any of that to his boss.

Hard lesson for your DH and DC to learn here.

DC homework - their responsibility

DC clothes both responsibility.

for you. Stop doing everything. Hope you enjoyed scout camp!

He sounds quite useless but an 11yo should know to do their own homework. And could they not have been given money to buy lunches just for today?

@WoIsMe I would find reasons to be away at least one weekend per month until your deliberately useless husband has sorted his parenting ideas out …

Agree with others the 11 year old needs to take responsibility for homework.

The washing, especially as he's done his own, would infuriate me. Also, too late to do anything now? What about uniform for tomorrow? Please make him do it.

I don't know why you're asking because you obviously know the answer 😳

The only point there I'd say YABU about is the 11 year old's homework. They're more than old enough to remember to do it.

Was this the first time you'd been away for the weekend and all this was his responsibility?

Everyone messes up and drops the ball the first time they do something - we get better with practice and repetition. So he clearly needs to have another go at all the weekend logistics in order to get better.

Don't react by taking all the jobs back because he was useless - you need to make them his responsibility again, as soon as possible, so he can do them on autopilot like you presumably do. (The first time you did all this yourself, did you get it 100% right?)

The lunches are the worst of his mistakes. Polo shirt, whatever, everyone will live. Homework should be an 11-year-old's responsibility anyway. Failing to think about packed lunches is not acceptable though.

Sounds like a combination of selfishness and weaponising incompetence.

did he also get offended because he did go shopping and you had the audacity not to praise him rather to criticise him for not doing it properly?

find it incredibly frustrating men act like this then when women come asking advice amongst the advice is that tone like it’s your fault you were doing it all when you are there.

I think as a first step rather than withdrawing things you do for him like cooking or washing like it’s some sort of game you should have a frank discussion about how it’s made you feel and what you expect going forward. If he has any respect for you he will listen.

i agree with those saying children need to take more responsibility too. Remember they learn from observing how their father treats you and the house. This is how mothers get criticised for raising entitled men who turn into shit partners. Like the father had nothing to do with it ffs

You think the answer to a man who won't parent is for the children to step up and parent themselves? That OP should have trained them to be self sufficient so their father need not be troubled?
If this is about independence in the children then their father could have taken the opportunity to teach them the tasks over the weekend. But it's not, is it? Its about anybody but a man having to do it.

Your husband clearly needs a lot of practice, and I would make sure he gets it from now on.

He needs to be treated like a child, and practice EVERY WEEKEND until he gets it.

Being that incompetent is so unattractive.

oh come on, they're still kids.

Yes, they really need to learn, but it's a parent's job to give them a nudge.
Blame is entirely on the dad here!

What does he normally do on the other three times you are camping? If this was a one-off, and he usually does all these things, then I'd be frustrated but I'd let it go. If he's generally not good at stepping up, then I'd be furious, and would make sure he pulls his weight at all times, not just when you are away.

Homework is on DS though.

Hope you had a good camp (other than the trip to A&E) - I'm also just back from cub camp and we had great weekend.

100% agree. These types are spoilt by mothers who then marry women to take their place.

Yes, they really need to learn, but it's a parent's job to give them a nudge

Getting a detention for not going homework is the quickest way that they will learn! I know parents are generally much more involved these days, but I don't remember my parents (who were very good parents!) even once checking if I had homework to do - it was totally down to me to get it done. I was the same for my kids, only one ever had a detention for not going homework, and it only happened the once!

As per usual on MN - the answer to useless husbands is to get the kids skilled up to compensate 🙄

Op, I’m sorry (I’m a big fan of volunteer leaders - you’re amazing giving your time to do it) but if you’ve always done these things, and he’s never been been expected to lift a finger, why would you expect him to do it now. This is what happens when ‘can do’ women enable lazy men.

Clearly, there must be 13 years of imbalance in domestic labour for this situation to result. Was this a surprise to you?