AIBU to expect better while I’m away for a weekend?

[WoIsMe]

I was at Cub Scout camp last weekend from Friday afternoon straight after work until around 5 p.m. on Sunday. I’m a Beaver Scout leader and already do three camps a year with them but Cubs needed a Nights Away permit holder and asked me to attend Cub camp as a favour. I didn’t really want to go but they would have had to cancel the camp if I didn’t go so I felt I had to attend. Added to that, we had an injury at camp so I spent Saturday afternoon at A&E and then making the required follow up reports after dealing with a stressed and scared child.

Fast forward to this morning and:

1. DS13 has gone to school in just a polo shirt as DH didn’t wash any school uniform over the weekend. He washed his own clothes and running kit, just none of the kids’ clothes.
2. DS11 hasn’t done any homework so he’ll get a negative behaviour point and a detention at school. DH said he didn’t know there was any homework despite the fact that he has the school homework app.
3. I had to problem solve to make packed lunches for them both since DH went food shopping but didn’t get any bread, sandwich fillings, fruit or snacks.

DH says it doesn’t matter as it’s too late to do anything about it now.

So, AIBU to think a grown man should be able to do the bare minimum for his children when his wife is away for the entire weekend?

I understand exactly what the OP means. I am voicing my opinion on the terminology she used.
It was an add on to my opinion on the actual AIBU.
I didn't say you said anything about nutrition or hydration - that was also an add on to my 'current trendy terms which annoy me'.

Weaponised incompetence.

Sorry for not replying sooner in more detail, I posted in frustration this morning and wasn't expecting so many replies. To answer everyone's questions

1. Yes, my children have special needs, Ariela. The 13-year-old has ADHD and finds organisation extremely difficult even though he tries very hard to manage on his own. The 11-year-old isn't diagnosed with anything yet but he has significant difficulties and challenging behaviour. My older two also have SEN.
2. My DH does do shopping, cooking, washing, help the kids with homework, cleaning, tidying etc. I didn't go away leaving a known man-child in charge. I'm away with Beaver Scouts a minimum of three times a year and I might also be away visiting friends and family so it isn't the first time DH has had to manage the weekend on his own. We pretty much split things evenly although I do most of the laundry because I work from home whereas he's in the office three days a week so it's easier for me to put on loads, hang out washing etc. when I have a few minutes of downtime between meetings. We're a family of six so the washing machine is on pretty much every day and DH is perfectly capable of putting a load on.
3. No, my 13-year-old and 11-year-old sons aren't expected to do laundry. My older two children (23 and 20) do their own laundry and have done for some time. The 13-year-old makes his own breakfast and lunch; the 11-year-old makes his own breakfast but I make his packed lunch because he has wraps instead of sandwiches and finds them a bit hard to roll by himself.
4. My oldest three children have always been responsible for their own homework but the youngest has had issues with homework and is a previous school-refuser so he needs a bit more support to actually get to school and do his homework. I think of it as scaffolding to build up to independence over time. He has only just started high school this month. I'm definitely not a helicopter mum that checks her children's locations at university and makes sure they've done their assignments. My oldest child definitely learned the hard way that he needed to be responsible for his own work when he had to re-do first year of university.
5. The school gives all parents access to a homework app so clearly there is an expectation that parents are involved in making sure homework is done. When I was at high school over 30 years ago, my parents had to sign my school planner every week; it's not a new thing.
6. I absolutely will not leave a list of what needs to be done over a weekend, Hellohelga. He's my husband, I'm not his manager.
7. @MagicUser1 I wasn't posting about the weekend not being fun as justification, more that I've had a stressful time at an event that I didn't really want to go to, and it's just the icing on the cake to come home to even more stress.
8. @YourWildAmberSloth unfortunately there wasn't time this morning to put washing on and go food shopping.

DH hasn't taken any criticism on board. He thinks it's no big deal that he only washed his own clothes and shopped for the meals he wanted to make without thinking of what other people in the family might need. His dad did absolutely nothing around the house ever - never even so much as changed a nappy - so DH thinks he's the bee's knees for doing housework and looking after his children.

Edited because I was writing this when OP posted the above.

DH says it doesn’t matter as it’s too late to do anything about it now.

What a LAME excuse... does he think that gets him out of ever doing anything?

He is utterly useless.

I have to say I disagree with all the posts saying why didn't you train them to do this or that. (Of course its a good idea) but its putting all the blame on you. It doesn't absolve your DH from presiding over.... well nothing whatsoever. Not even thinking maybe my children need clean clothes, food, to do their homework. What was he actually doing all weekend. Did he pay them any attention at all.

What are you going to do about this now @WoIsMe ?

(Hint. I would go on strike/work to rule. I wouldn't cook/wash or anything else for him until he abjectly apologises and pulls his socks up)

I actually disagree with this. My 13 year old still needs a nudge occasionally if he’s engrossed in a weekend activity to stop and do some homework. Most schools have a home/school agreement and parents should help the kids learn to take responsibility for their homework together rather than just drop it in their laps and wash their hands of it.

However this means all parents not just mums! The DH is clearly a lazy self centred fool who thinks his weekends are just for him!

Serious question: what did your husband think your kids were going to eat for lunch today? Or did he think they could just buy their lunch at school?

For that matter, what did he think they were going to wear to school? Did he assume their clothes weren't dirty/smelly enough to bother washing?

I'd be asking him those questions upfront, to force some answers and hold him accountable. I'm curious to hear exactly what he'll respond with.

So OP, it sounds like this was just a one-off, where your normally very capable husband lost his head.
If he truly cannot see that there is something wrong with his kids not having clean clothes, lunch or homework done then I'd be worried there's something else going on in his head. Has he got a lot of other worries or pressure?
Was he trying to make a point about you being away this w/e or something?

So out of all this, the most salient paragraph is the last. It makes absolutely no difference how much your husband does when you are there if he can not suck up the responsibility, plan ahead and get on with what needs doing when you are not. He's a selfish git.

The lack of clean clothes is the unforgivable bit. If your older children are in their twenties, it's not as if school uniform being clean is a surprise.

He thinks it's no big deal that he only washed his own clothes and shopped for the meals he wanted to make without thinking of what other people in the family might need.
Have you asked him what he thinks would happen if he looked after them all the time and never did their laundry? Or if he did an incomplete food shop every time?
Did you actually say in those terms, 'Do you think it's OK that you didn't wash their clothes? Do you think it's OK that you didn't shop for their meals?'? What has he said to that.

Two things can be true at the same time. DH can be a lazy arse, at the same as DC can be raised to take responsibility for certain things and to be independent. It is not about giving DH a pass or making DC responsible for the fact that DH messed up. But unfortunately DC who are incapable of doing something simple like putting clothes in a machine at 13 or making a packed lunch, grow up into seemingly thoughtless, inept or incapable adults like DH. My son will at the very least throw his school shirts in the wash, or tell me that he doesn't have something. Its not making children responsible for adults short-comings, its trying to prevent them from growing up the same. ETA, read OPs update about DC having additional needs, but my general point stands. Yes parents need to do certain things but for most secondary school children, there are things that they can and should do.

Clearly he's the sort of guy who's happy to make his dc uncomfortable through not providing the basics of parenting in order to punish his wife for being away and try to control her to not have a life away from home in the future.

He's a shit dad and a shit partner.

Unless he's unable to cope with the basics of life in other places, e.g. at work, it can only be deliberate.

useless article

Your DH is a useless twat. Ugh. Made even worse by the fact he thinks he's good.

Parenting is ensuring your kids are safe and looked after.

That could in theory mean your kids do their own washing, cooking, shopping etc - but they still need an adult taking ultimate responsibility.

And I'd bet my arse 99% of 11 and 13 year olds on here do NOT do their own washing and buying food for their packed lunches!!

How come YOU were picking up the pieces OP?

I'd have let him make their lunch, message the teacher etc

This situation has clearly been going on a for a very long time and the weekend is just the culmination. He sounds completely disengaged from any parental responsibility and you have your work cut out forcing him to change after so long. On the other hand, you can't have been surprised?

Anyway he sounds awful and yes he sounds like he will at best always need a huge amount of management from you.

But your DC are 11 and 13. They should bring their own washing down and learn how to use the machine. They should also be responsible for doing their own homework. They’re secondary school kids.

I think you have to accept that if you have been doing scaffolding to keep everything functioning, it may not function as well without you. There is probably nothing like a weekend away to expose some of that.

I think it’s especially important with adhd in the house as you need to be able to get the older one to start learning strategies to manage the disorganisation. Eg the elder one should be encouraged to get everything ready for school the night before and that be the non-negotiable routine with a check list there to help. If he’d done that, there would have been time to wash the shirt and sort lunches. My 7 year old knows she has a packed lunch on a Wednesday and asks to help make it. The laundry and food prison is shit and disorganised.

If the homework for the 11 year old is a problem then perhaps it’s a good lesson to learn. I’d have probably put the homework on a checklist for my husband (not saying thats ok but I’m just more aware of the schedule). If he’s fully aware there is normally a weekend battle then he’s just chosen to opt out.

I don't agree. I think it's more attitudinal than actually learning the skill at a younger age, although I do agree children and teens should play an age appropriate part in the running of the household.

My DH probably didn't touch a washing machine til he left home but is completely capable and hands on as an adult and dad because he doesn't assume it's someone else's responsibility.

The other problem is women (mostly women) assuming that responsibility for men.

This is absolutely key. Whether you do your own washing from 10 or 15 or 20.

I know PLENTY of women who never touched a washing machine or cooked till they left home and they magically figured it out and keep on top of it.

Don't get many men on here kicking off about their female partners having acted like OP's DH either.

Did you miss OP's post about SEN?

My kids are totally broken and exhausted by a standard 9-3 school day in a way NT kids are not, they take twice or three times as long to do the same homework, their executive functioning skills are lagging and it takes all our time and energy getting them to do basic chores like pick up after themselves and clear their plates. Heck, I'm still cleaning up piss and shit most days and none of us sleeps.

Adding on doing their own washing would be insane at this point.

If you usually do all these things then you need to get him to do them so he knows what he needs to do.

Won't hurt them go away more often!

There is also probably a link between kids not chipping in with housework, chores etc and their dad also being a bit crap at it. He’s setting them a bad example and encouraging them to be lazy and rely on mum. If he stepped up and took some responsibility maybe he could also expect the kids to too.

He’s doing it on purpose. Also get the kids to sort out their homework.

He thinks these tasks are wifework

How frustrating

It’s so much worse that he’s sticking to his guns. It means he’s disgustingly selfish rather than incompetent.