AIBU to expect better while I’m away for a weekend?

[WoIsMe]

I was at Cub Scout camp last weekend from Friday afternoon straight after work until around 5 p.m. on Sunday. I’m a Beaver Scout leader and already do three camps a year with them but Cubs needed a Nights Away permit holder and asked me to attend Cub camp as a favour. I didn’t really want to go but they would have had to cancel the camp if I didn’t go so I felt I had to attend. Added to that, we had an injury at camp so I spent Saturday afternoon at A&E and then making the required follow up reports after dealing with a stressed and scared child.

Fast forward to this morning and:

1. DS13 has gone to school in just a polo shirt as DH didn’t wash any school uniform over the weekend. He washed his own clothes and running kit, just none of the kids’ clothes.
2. DS11 hasn’t done any homework so he’ll get a negative behaviour point and a detention at school. DH said he didn’t know there was any homework despite the fact that he has the school homework app.
3. I had to problem solve to make packed lunches for them both since DH went food shopping but didn’t get any bread, sandwich fillings, fruit or snacks.

DH says it doesn’t matter as it’s too late to do anything about it now.

So, AIBU to think a grown man should be able to do the bare minimum for his children when his wife is away for the entire weekend?

Have you come across Piggybook by Anthony Browne? 😁

The 11yo needs to start taking responsibility for their own homework. They have the app. They just can't be bothered to do it. DD was SEN and sometimes missed homework, and got detentions and had to do it then. I used to keep any eye on it on the app initially but over time made it clear that it was up to her.

It is not the end of the world. They give detentions for anything these days.

Your DH is another matter though. As a grownup, he should be capable of washing the clothes and buying the food.

It may be too late now for this time, but next time he needs to step up and do everything that needs doing.

How annoying to come back from having worked hard all weekend to see the problems. I think the fault is with your DH here. In Y7 the 11yo just clearly still getting used to homework and parents do need to push it until it's automatic. My DD14 needed supervision / support / reminders to do her homework all through Y7 and 8 (she does have ASD though and struggles with executive functioning, finds school hard academically too) -by Y9 she was pretty much there, but still asks for help in Y10, eg checking she's understood instructions. I think it's a parent's job to support them. If she'd missed a lot of homework and got lots of detentions she'd have felt even more negative about school.

In contrast, my NT 12yo has never needed reminders or help with homework. Which is great. But not all kids are so independent.

As for uniform, I do think kids can at least take responsibility for putting laundry out and if they don't put it out when we ask, it doesn't get washed. I don't know what your laundry system is but you and your dh need a shared approach so it doesn't happen again.

I don't know why but I've met many more men with zero foresight than women.

Op YANBU. Is he usually able to think about what the kids/house need or does he leave it all to you and think these things magically happen?

I suspect i may know the answer.

Good lesson for DS11 - he needs to get on with his work.

YANBU but why are you usually doing all of these things? Your child is old enough to know they gave homework and do it independently and to double check they have clean uniform. Time to start delegating jobs out!

they're 11, still some time away from University

Removing the blame from their adult father however...to put the blame on a child?

What a rubbish weekend for you to then start the week on the back foot. Sorry to read you are lumbered with this. I am a single parent but often read this kind of stuff on “man who has it all” posts on Facebook which is a satire but hits the nail on the head all the time on this stuff. I too have been tired of being the brains behind another adult and find it easier doing it myself.

You need to go away for the weekend more often. He clearly needs more practice. 🙄

Well he does. Useless. Why put up with this shit? Seriously.

Yes. Otherwise detentions etc would be given to parents directly and not the kids.

It depends......if you normally do it all and don't ask for help (you are mad if this is the case) and you didn't leave specific instructions on what needs to be done, I don't think you can really complain. It probably didn't occur to him to do these things if you do them normally. Did you set him up to fail?

My DH is really good around the house and will hang up washing, hoover etc - but if I am away and normally do x,y,z, then I would leave him a note to say this is what you need to do.

Some people might say I shouldn't have to do that, but it takes seconds to write a note and then saves all this stress and agro, and ultimately , I want a happy, stressless home and Monday morning.

I also find it bizarre that couples do their own washing. I can't imagine going through the washing basket and not doing all the darks that need doing etc.

You and DH need to work more as a team, so that he knows what needs doing.

This ^ for a long time to come. So when you next go away he gets the routine.

He doesn’t know what to do because you’re doing everything (and because he’s useless). Stop doing everything!

You see how the lazy men are perpetuated through women also doing everything for their sons though I presume.

Absolutely he’s done a terrible job here. But the children should also be clocking on at this age - particularly the 13 year old. Let’s raise capable future adults here.

Why on earth are you doing all of this every weekend? I certainly wouldn’t be. My kids have managed their own washing since the start of high school, and managed their own homework. They have money on their acc to get a school lunch for the days where we haven’t been organised enough to shop.

The only washing I do, other than my own, is a couple of midweek towel/bedding washes if the weather is good for hanging out

Op, I’m not sure how to vote. Guidance anyone?

Because APPARENTLY you are being unreasonable to expect these simple everyday jobs done. But you shouldn’t be.

I go out one evening and one afternoon to do … not drunken debauchery but church youth group followed by Bible study. You would think I’d been gone a week for the mess one retired and one university aged man causes.

Despite a fridge and freezer full of food the best they can manage is Burger King with resulting wrappers and smell and everything is a muddle.

If they remember to feed cat, the dirty congealed meat from previous feed is left to the flies.

I feel like they think I’m doing something I enjoy so their version of this is do f*ck all and sit farting and squabbling in front of television.

Any comments from me is met with a look of bewildered surprise. The younger has gone back to university now and I kind of wish the older would go too. I wonder if there are any catered halls still available?

This morning I’m scrubbing the mattress of the younger whilst the other looks on. Nearly midday and still in sleeping shorts and comments that “All students are messy. Don’t worry about it.”

Why are they so thick and useless?

My ex used to do the same with washing and it’s infuriating. Not only are they ignoring the needs of the rest of the family but then the person who is taking everyone into account can’t actually do the washing needed because the machine is in use. But they’re ‘helping’ by doing laundry so why are you mad? Gah!!!

No, he should be less self-centred all the time. He's a parent and a husband - an equal part of a family and needs to learn what that actually means.

Sadly, though, often the only way to change things for the future is to focus on ensuring the sons are taught to do what their father won’t. Obviously the first line solution is for the father to step up (and then for both parents to take responsibility for raising good men) but many simply won’t.

This is really poor. My DF was really hands on even all those years ago. I can remember it being him and I when my DM wasn't around and him getting me to stand by the washer and change so he'd get my uniform washed and dried ready for school. He not only got lunches together for me but any friends that needed it. And he made most meals.

Your DH has completely missed the point that it's his children who have missed out with his pretend incompetence. I'd be furious and stop doing anything for him.

So next weekend, don't do any of his laundry to make a point. And don't buy anything for him on the food shop.

Then let him face the consequences of your inaction like you've had to face his.

Indeed. He gets the homework, he knows he gets the homework, he does the homework or he bears the consequences.

You've got three problems here.
Lazy son, lazy daughter, lazy husband.

I'm a parent of 5 and my kids that are the ages of yours make their own packed lunches and sort their own washing. The 11yo should have at least realised their uniform wasn't washed and reminded dad and 13 yo should be able to operate the washing machine themselves.

I think you must wipe all their arses for them 24/7 so what did you think would happen without you there.

Time to take a massive leap back and help to help themselves.

Please don't raise your children to be as useless as your husband. I can't stand incapable adults its ridiculous what if you died then what your kids end up in care because their own dad can't do basic parenting.