AIBU to expect better while I’m away for a weekend?

[WoIsMe]

I was at Cub Scout camp last weekend from Friday afternoon straight after work until around 5 p.m. on Sunday. I’m a Beaver Scout leader and already do three camps a year with them but Cubs needed a Nights Away permit holder and asked me to attend Cub camp as a favour. I didn’t really want to go but they would have had to cancel the camp if I didn’t go so I felt I had to attend. Added to that, we had an injury at camp so I spent Saturday afternoon at A&E and then making the required follow up reports after dealing with a stressed and scared child.

Fast forward to this morning and:

1. DS13 has gone to school in just a polo shirt as DH didn’t wash any school uniform over the weekend. He washed his own clothes and running kit, just none of the kids’ clothes.
2. DS11 hasn’t done any homework so he’ll get a negative behaviour point and a detention at school. DH said he didn’t know there was any homework despite the fact that he has the school homework app.
3. I had to problem solve to make packed lunches for them both since DH went food shopping but didn’t get any bread, sandwich fillings, fruit or snacks.

DH says it doesn’t matter as it’s too late to do anything about it now.

So, AIBU to think a grown man should be able to do the bare minimum for his children when his wife is away for the entire weekend?

My thoughts exactly.

or this now becomes his regular weekend accountability until he becomes sufficiently adept that he’s capable of sharing it when needed.

So, AIBU to think a grown man should be able to do the bare minimum for his children when his wife is away for the entire weekend?

Of course you're NBU, but how do you find yourself in this situation?
Does he never do this stuff normally? If not, why not?
Does he ever make packed lunches, does he ever take responsibility for laundry?

Your kids need to be a bit more on the ball at their ages. Are you (and your useless DH) teaching your SONS how to manage a household?
Was your 13yo just expecting to wake up and magically find his uniform clean and ready for him?

Saying 'problem solve' for lunch is a bit corny. You had to cobble something together. Do they not have a canteen at school. Or could the kids not have done something - cooked up some pasta?

This is extrapolating to the extreme. How does an eleven year old who doesn't go supermarket shopping for his own school lunches suddenly equate to not being able to manage university as a young adult.

This is very rubbish of your DH OP. I would not be impressed either.

My comment was about homework. I was with the OP on everything else.

No, YANBU, and he's using weaponised incompetence. Washing his own clothes but not the kids’ is particularly egregious and just screams 'I know what to do, I'm just exercising my male ego/right not to do it.'

Saying it doesn’t matter as it’s too late to do anything about it now is not acceptable. Tell him he needs to engage and have a proper conversation with you about it for the future.

'Men' being completely useless is just so unattractive. He needs to be put in sole charge of all of these activities/jobs until he is up to speed.

Way to give the man a free pass by blaming the woman for not teaching the kids.

Sorry I agree with you then.

I am a bit frustrated that there are so many people blaming the OP for all of this. If her DH doesn't want to do any of these jobs he could have spent the weekend teaching his own offspring how to use the washing machine and menu plan.

The homework thing is on your DS. The school are quite rightly holding him to account for this.

The other things are shit. Try to get to the bottom of why it happened though.. is it because these are normally your jobs and DH has his jobs .. if so then maybe a reminder to him that you’ll need clean clothes and packed lunch food on Monday morning wouldn’t have gone amiss. I know I need a nudge from DH to put the bins out if he’s away because it’s not usually on my radar, or if I’m the one doing the food shop he’ll remind me what we’re running out of. We both have our areas that we normally cover.

Same. Just drop the rope, OP. Your boys are going to turn out as useless and selfish as your husband if something doesn’t change. He needs to step up and show your sons what an equal partnership looks like. And you need to stop saving the day.

Saying 'problem solve' for lunch is a bit corny. You had to cobble something together.
Who cares what wording she used? The point and problem is clear – DH went food shopping but didn’t get anything suitable for packed lunches. So the OP ended up with the mental and practical load.

God forbid a man having to do anything, we can't have a man lifting a finger in his own house now, can we?

I think I’m one of the few, as I put unreasonable, your kids are old enough to know homework needs doing snd clothes need laundered, as such, I’d show them actions have consequences.

This is exactly what I was going to say!

It is really sad to see so many 'pick me' types commenting here, excusing the waste of space man. Utterly appalling.

So an 11 year old should do his homework, laundry and packed lunches because Dad can't be bothered to? Why have children if you can't be arsed to do the basics.

He should do his homework yes, and he can say to his father that laundry needs doing if rhe forgot and he can make a packed lunch, but not shop

teaching children responsibility is important.

If you normally do it, it's not surprising that he didn't think of things like checking the homework app. And maybe the same with the packed lunches. Putting a load of washing on without checking the kids had any is extremely self-centred, twatty behaviour.

But as others have said, how has it got to the point where he has literally no idea at all what it takes to run a family ship? Why on earth do you just do everything while he apparently doesn't even watch?

I voted YANBU because his rubbishness is enraging - but you have to stop facilitating it. Is he generally a lazy, self-centred man?

Probably no one cares; I was just giving my opinion.
I feel the same as regarding making a packed lunch as 'mental load', but appreciate I am just stuck in my ways.
I also call food and drink just that, rather than nutrition and hydration.

OK, if you don't like the term, it was something the OP had to think about and do despite food shopping having been her DH's responsibility for that weekend.

I didn't say anything about 'nutrition' or 'hydration'

You are enabling a house of hopeless males. You need to go away more often.

YANBU at all

This is ridiculous of him - they’re basic “part of any weekend” tasks

He must have known that your 13 yo doesn’t usually wash their own clothes, that the 11 yo does need prompting to do their homework and that everyone usually has a packed lunch!

That level of incompetence is likely to be deliberate to make it not worth your while to go away in future. The only solution is to make those tasks solely his going forward.

I mean yes an 11 yo should be in charge of remembering their homework - but it depends on the child. My youngest is 12 and has SEN, and therefore does need sometime to tell him “this is now the the time we said you’d do your homework. Sit down and do it now.” He can be in charge of what he has to do, but needs to be told to do it.

Yes a 13 yo can wash their own clothes (my eldest could have at that age) but he must know they don’t normally do that. Imagine the selfishness of doing his own clothes and no one else’s!

At the very least he should be contrite about being so bloody useless.

He knows his clothes needed washing, his children are people too. He sucks. I’d stand firm on if you were an active engaged dad you’d do this, and you clearly need help remembering so you will get him to do his homework every night for the next fortnight, and I will only remind you, which should be really easy for me as you’re his dad and want the best for him so you’ll jump to it when i do. Please know I don’t think any part of reminding you to parent is sexy so lose any expectations on that front!!

Your DH should have been able to do the bare minimum for his family while you were away - but your 11 year old is also old enough to know he's got homework.