AIBU to expect better while I’m away for a weekend?

[WoIsMe]

I was at Cub Scout camp last weekend from Friday afternoon straight after work until around 5 p.m. on Sunday. I’m a Beaver Scout leader and already do three camps a year with them but Cubs needed a Nights Away permit holder and asked me to attend Cub camp as a favour. I didn’t really want to go but they would have had to cancel the camp if I didn’t go so I felt I had to attend. Added to that, we had an injury at camp so I spent Saturday afternoon at A&E and then making the required follow up reports after dealing with a stressed and scared child.

Fast forward to this morning and:

1. DS13 has gone to school in just a polo shirt as DH didn’t wash any school uniform over the weekend. He washed his own clothes and running kit, just none of the kids’ clothes.
2. DS11 hasn’t done any homework so he’ll get a negative behaviour point and a detention at school. DH said he didn’t know there was any homework despite the fact that he has the school homework app.
3. I had to problem solve to make packed lunches for them both since DH went food shopping but didn’t get any bread, sandwich fillings, fruit or snacks.

DH says it doesn’t matter as it’s too late to do anything about it now.

So, AIBU to think a grown man should be able to do the bare minimum for his children when his wife is away for the entire weekend?

@Bunnycat101 I didn’t mention it before but my 13-year-old was at Cub camp with me as a Young Leader so he wasn’t around at the weekend to do any prep. He did all his homework on Wednesday and Thursday last week so he wouldn’t have anything to do at the weekend.

I find it hard to believe many 13-year-old boys do their own laundry regularly. My older two only started doing it once they went to university. I’m sure I didn’t do any of my own laundry as a child either, although I do remember doing a fair bit of ironing. My dad was a SAHD though so he did all the laundry in my family.

DH does plenty of housework and child care. I think it’s more that he’s let me become the default parent so he doesn’t see these things as his responsibility. They certainly don’t seem to be important to him whereas I don’t want my children to be cold at school or not be able to have their preferred lunch. One has ham sandwiches every single day and the other has chicken mayo wraps so it isn’t exactly demanding to shop for.

@Elsvieta I’m not raising my 11-year-old to be useless. Homework has been an issue all through school and it’s a work in progress. He used to cry and scream to try and get out of his homework when he was younger. Now he does it but needs to be reminded when it’s due. I’m not going to be holding his hand about it forever. Lots of children need to be reminded about things. None of my four would do their music practice if they weren’t reminded to.

DH thinks he's the bee's knees for doing housework and looking after his children

But he's not doing it to an acceptable standard is he? He's been a parent for at least 13 years but is apparently unaware that they need lunches for school, clean uniforms and to have done homework.

If he writes reports at work would he consider it acceptable if they were sent out late with the wrong information and spelling mistakes in?

If he makes things, would it be OK if he missed out a load of parts, made the wrong quantity and painted them the wrong colour?

etc etc.

You need to go away more.

Well now he knows what sort of things he needs to do for your kids at the weekend it sounds as though you should test him out I mean reinforce the learning and arrange another weekend away.

When you asking your DH why he didnt do the uniform washing ,food shop for packed lunches and supervise homework for your child who has difficulties what did he say?
Also what does he mean by "it doesn't matter now as its too late to do anything about it now "?

Yes he should be able to think for himself and take care of his children for one weekend, but in my experience men do not forward think and like instructions.

If I went away for a weekend and left a list of things to do, my husband would do them, but if I went away and didn't leave instructions it would be anyone's guess tbh, he would probably assume I had done the uniform before going to last the Monday and Tuesday then sort when I got back. I do do all the washing in my house but I don't like how he does it so that's fine lol.

If I went away for a weekend and left a list of things to do, my husband would do them, but if I went away and didn't leave instructions it would be anyone's guess tbh
But why is that OK? Why do women have to give grown men instructions? I'm sure many of these delicate flowers manage to hold down responsible jobs in which they don't just follow instructions, or fail to do things and lose their company money/customers etc. Why should they be catered to in the case of work in the home for their partners and family?

I guess youre partly to blame you enable it. You take charge and get on with it but its not always the best thing to do if you carry on you will also raise sons that cant do anything and they will be the next generation of partners that do eff all.

The boys have SEN. People are affected differently but in my youngest DDs case, she was independently doing laundry until around 22. She was working part time, working towards building her CV and it was a matter of priorities. She won't ever have a partner. At 30 she could now be fully independent if she had to be. This is fully on her DH. He hasn't cared about his children's wellbeing at all. It would be unforgivable for me.

Who are these 2% who voted that OP was being unreasonable?

If he can and does do all that when you are there, then this is a passive aggressive act because he didn’t want to do it

I always think that with man-children like this, the mistake is coming home on Sunday evening - in time to troubleshoot the mess.

Stay away until Monday. Let him get them to school.

There are positives to being a single parent lol

Sorry OP but what a dick.

I'd have been absolutely fuming coming home to all that stress! He has nothing to feel smug about. He's basically failed at parenting while you were away. Presumably these tasks need doing every weekend so no, you shouldn't have needed to leave a list. What a selfish prick only doing his own washing too!

Why are you with this loser?? He washed his own clothes but nobody else's? What a selfish c*nt.

You don't have a partner, you have another child. How long has this been going on?

It sounds like you are a bit of a helicopter person and like to be in control. In this case if I knew that every weekend I took responsibility for all those things with no expectation for anyone else to think for themselves I would have left a list of things that needed to be done like uniforms and packed lunch food. Agree with others that an 11 year old needs to be responsible for checking and doing their homework and deserves the consequences of not doing so but again it doesn’t sound like they’ve ever had to think for themselves. I think at times we end up doing everything ourselves as it’s quicker and easier but need to share the load more generally. I do think sharing out the responsibilities at the weekend generally will help your partner understand how much there is to do but if you’re a SAHM (sorry I can’t remember if that was mentioned) then things fall naturally more on you as your part of the partnership which is ok until you’re not there!

“Yes he should be able to think for himself and take care of his children for one weekend, but in my experience men do not forward think and like instructions.”

and yet they also like to be in charge, especially at work, so this isn’t true, is it? It’s weaponised incompetence in the domestic sphere.

@WoIsMe the problem really is that your DH is so selfish/self-absorbed that he could do shopping and laundry and still only consider himself rather than the rest of the family. I find that remarkable and also pretty unpleasant behaviour.