AIBU to expect better while I’m away for a weekend?

[WoIsMe]

I was at Cub Scout camp last weekend from Friday afternoon straight after work until around 5 p.m. on Sunday. I’m a Beaver Scout leader and already do three camps a year with them but Cubs needed a Nights Away permit holder and asked me to attend Cub camp as a favour. I didn’t really want to go but they would have had to cancel the camp if I didn’t go so I felt I had to attend. Added to that, we had an injury at camp so I spent Saturday afternoon at A&E and then making the required follow up reports after dealing with a stressed and scared child.

Fast forward to this morning and:

1. DS13 has gone to school in just a polo shirt as DH didn’t wash any school uniform over the weekend. He washed his own clothes and running kit, just none of the kids’ clothes.
2. DS11 hasn’t done any homework so he’ll get a negative behaviour point and a detention at school. DH said he didn’t know there was any homework despite the fact that he has the school homework app.
3. I had to problem solve to make packed lunches for them both since DH went food shopping but didn’t get any bread, sandwich fillings, fruit or snacks.

DH says it doesn’t matter as it’s too late to do anything about it now.

So, AIBU to think a grown man should be able to do the bare minimum for his children when his wife is away for the entire weekend?

My parents did care about my school work, it's not a modern concept.

Letting you kids get a detention because you can't be bothered to check is lazy in my opinion and pointless. There are better consequences at home, and better ways to learn.

The school is absolutely right to give detention, and it means missing out on reward trips if you have one. On the school side, it's the right thing to, I don't disagree.

At 11, i'd rather my kids to do homework well, than rush through them and do a crap job which means they have no negative consequence at school, but make them completely pointless.

Id have left a list of what needed doing. Clearly you normally do this stuff so he’s a bit unaware. I wouldn’t leave it to chance he’d pick up the slack.

Agree with everyone who says he needs practice. Those jobs are his responsibility from now on and while you're at it, I'd revisit how everything is split. And I'd be telling him he should be embarrassed to be so neglectful.

Unfortunately, my 11-year-old will not do homework unless he is specifically told to. Primary school were happy for us to try and get him to do it but didn’t mind if he didn’t do it all. The high school is much more strict. But this isn’t a new problem so my DH should have been aware that reminders and encouragement would be needed.

My DH regards himself as someone who does his fair share of the housework and child-wrangling. I really don’t feel that he should forget that he has children that need to be clothed, fed and educated.

Another useless wanker. Why do women marry these feckless fools?

Do your children have special needs?
If not, responsibility for all of those tasks should be undertaken by your children!
They're definitely old enough to know homework has to be done on time, operate a washing machine, make their own lunches the night before including knowing when they've used up all the bread etc that they have to write it down on the shopping list. (ok mine struggle with this one but they're old enough and earn their own ££ to buy their own lunch if they forgot to add it to the shopping)

Keep it as evidence for sole custody when you get bored of the man child

Next time you go away. Remind him of woeful attempt this time, and lay down expectations. Also remind the kids they are also partially responsible.

I think you should let the 11 year old suffer the consequences of their lack of homework. I would hope if they get penalised sufficiently they’ll eventually start.

It’s not a good idea to show children that you’ll immediately look for someone else to blame if they themselves haven’t done something they’re supposed to do. This is how we’ve ended up with parents ringing universities asking for their adult child’s timetables and hand in dates.

Abso-fucking-lutely!

Dear god. ‘As a one-off he should have been less self-centred’. But otherwise it’s OP’s job to train her kids to be self-sufficient so that next time her husband can just wash his own clothes and shop for his own food in peace. Because he knows clothes need to be washed, and meals need to be planned, but it’s a hell of a stretch to think he might consider his own children’s needs when it comes to those things. Everyone knows that being a present, competent adult and parent should not really be expected of him, because … man. Awww.

OP, you need to have a very direct conversation with him about how this has made you feel. It’s not an eye-rolling, ‘that’s men for you, no harm done’ situation. It’s just shit on every level. He really needs to step up on a regular basis, not just when you’re unavailable to do all the thinking and the grunt work. And it wouldn’t hurt to set out expectations for your kids that they take responsibility for their own homework.

I’d be raging. Mostly at the uniform situation. He washed his own clothes and running kit?!
So Selfish!!!!

Whay I rind most interesting about your post is how you obviously feel you have to really really be away for a weekend that is NOT fun and not your choice becuase what, otherwise, he would be justified because you were having a jolly and he wasn't?

Frankly, I find this unacceptable. It doesn't surprise me sadly. And it's absolutely the kind of argument I have with DH who also, overall, is a good man and a good dad. But the complete inability ot think about the children ahead of time is infuriating.

The only mitigator I would give is that if you are the person in charge of these things routinely, it can be difficult for the other person to suddenly pivot. In this house, I do the bulk of the thinking too, but I have noticed that the few things I have managed to completely outsource to DH, when he' snot around, I really struggle to get back into the habit of thinking about. Mostly that doesn' tmatter as he has the longer-term tasks on his plate mostly, but there are a few every day things that he often does remind me of before he goes.

So he only became aman child after all the kids where born? Or was useless from the beginning so why would the op leave now as nothing would have changed

Why did you fix everything? He should have washed and dried a jumper and took it in. Nipped to shop and got lunch stuff.

My kids are 13/10 and have been in charge of their own lunches and homework for a good few years now. But of course if they aren't used to that sort of responsibility it's ridiculous to think your husband can just opt out and they'll figure it out.

Obviously this can't be the first time you've experienced his incompetency so it's probably time to train up your kids to be a bit more self sufficient before you continue this problem for the next generation too!

1. DS13 has gone to school in just a polo shirt as DH didn’t wash any school uniform over the weekend. He washed his own clothes and running kit, just none of the kids’ clothes.
2. DS11 hasn’t done any homework so he’ll get a negative behaviour point and a detention at school. DH said he didn’t know there was any homework despite the fact that he has the school homework app.
3. I had to problem solve to make packed lunches for them both since DH went food shopping but didn’t get any bread, sandwich fillings, fruit or snacks.

2 - I would say that at 11 he should really be starting to take responsibility for knowing what homework needs doing. 1& 3 though sound like weaponised incompetence. I cannot get my head around washing his own stuff but not bothering with anyone else's. That's just plain selfish. Doing food shop but 'forgetting' pretty crucial elements is also selfish. Did he get everything he needs for this week?

(And wondering what he does actually do? My husband does 99% of the cooking in our house so whenever he's away for work or whatever I do sometimes forget to have a plan. Obviously I fix it myself but my mental list doesn't include anything to do with cooking so I do have to keep reminding myself.)

My DH regards himself as someone who does his fair share of the housework and child-wrangling

I guess this weekend has shown that he shouldn't regard himself this way. Do you normally do all this, or does he sometimes do it, and just forgot this time? If it's the first, it's time to make sure he's involved in all aspects of housework/child-wrangling. I'm not saying it's ok, but if he doesn't routinely wash uniform/buy lunches, then he may have just not thought of it. Not ok, of course, but slightly different from just not bothering.

Your husband seems like he is absolutely the type of bloke who would say “the divorce came out of nowhere” . You seem to, and he expects you to carry yourself, the household and the kids, he seems to think looking after himself and doing the bare minimum of keeping the kids alive is doing his fair share. You’re entering married single mum territory. Next he’ll be telling you that you didn’t leave him a list, because apparently men who manage to hold down jobs don’t need a list writing for them at work but somehow do at home!

DC needs to remember to do their own homework. That's on them.

Yanbu about the rest though, I'd be really irritated

He is being specifically told to. By the school when the homework is set. Don't coddle him. I'm sure after a few detentions it'll sink in. Been there, done that

Unfortunately, my 11-year-old will not do homework unless he is specifically told to

I might ask my 11 year old once on a Sunday afternoon if he's done his homework yet, but past that, it's up to him to get on with it. If he starts getting detentions each time he doesn't do it, that's up to him.

YANBU, tbh I'd be pissed off with the lot of them. DH should be capable of parenting his kids for the weekend and kids of that age should be responsible for sorting themselves out. I do the laundry but my 8 year old already knows how to do it and she'll put a wash on if DH and I are busy and there's something she wants out of her laundry basket.