AIBU to expect better while I’m away for a weekend?

[WoIsMe]

I was at Cub Scout camp last weekend from Friday afternoon straight after work until around 5 p.m. on Sunday. I’m a Beaver Scout leader and already do three camps a year with them but Cubs needed a Nights Away permit holder and asked me to attend Cub camp as a favour. I didn’t really want to go but they would have had to cancel the camp if I didn’t go so I felt I had to attend. Added to that, we had an injury at camp so I spent Saturday afternoon at A&E and then making the required follow up reports after dealing with a stressed and scared child.

Fast forward to this morning and:

1. DS13 has gone to school in just a polo shirt as DH didn’t wash any school uniform over the weekend. He washed his own clothes and running kit, just none of the kids’ clothes.
2. DS11 hasn’t done any homework so he’ll get a negative behaviour point and a detention at school. DH said he didn’t know there was any homework despite the fact that he has the school homework app.
3. I had to problem solve to make packed lunches for them both since DH went food shopping but didn’t get any bread, sandwich fillings, fruit or snacks.

DH says it doesn’t matter as it’s too late to do anything about it now.

So, AIBU to think a grown man should be able to do the bare minimum for his children when his wife is away for the entire weekend?

He knew exactly how to do them for himself. You can’t show someone how not to be a selfish prick

Weaponised incompetence is what that’s called, the man clearly does nothing anyway and has got away with it all this time, I’d be fuming what a d!ckhead

Let's put aside the imbalance rut that exists. We all have something that could be better.

(P.s. of course the kid was looking for an excuse for not doing homework - let them get negative points).

It's time to shame husband (infront of the children where possible, especially if the kids CAN do the thing... enjoy some of mine).
"Can you put the oven on? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW?"
"can you pop this in the microwave for 3 mins? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW?"
"can you grab the chilli flakes? WHERE? EVEN THE KIDS KNOW"
"Did you even butter that toast? It's the saddest toast I've ever seen"
"are you washing your clothes this week? I know you're incapable of washing other people's, so I'll do that"

I think the laundry and having food for packed lunches is absolutely basic stuff that your husband should have covered.
I work less than my husband and tend to manage more school stuff and more household stuff during the week, but he still knows they need school uniform washed at the weekend and food for lunches. He doesn't just leave it for me to do. Why should he?

The homework thing - the 11yo should be managing it themselves but if it's the first term of secondary, I can see how that might be more of a work in progress. I'd have expected DH to at least have asked them if they had homework to do.

Neither I nor my husband go away much but if one of us does, the other one quite naturally assumes there's more stuff they need to take care of.

Might struggle at bit with the sandwich, given no bread or sandwich fillings were purchased by useless ‘D’H this week.

I wonder if the only reason he does chores while OP is around is because she reminds him 🙈
One of these "just tell me what to do and I'll do it" men.

He sees parenting as your job, not his.
He needs to pull his finger out.

Your husband is both lazy and selfish. Both being incredibly unattractive traits.

YANBU.

I am just wondering what on earth he did all weekend?
My DH was a Scout leader and regularly did weekend and other longer camps
I did all I could at home as these events are hugely time consuming, tiring and require huge responsibility, planning risk assessments etc etc
I cant imagine him coming home to me having done sweet FA all weekend!
But that’s because we work as a team and appreciate the impact of our behaviours on others, oh and we love each other and our kids too

Good old fashioned weaponised incompetence.

Clearly you do all these things usually, why? Did DH think he was doing you a favour by babysitting his own kids? You don’t have a partner you have an extra child. Stop being his enabler. I think it’s weaponised incompetence, either that or you married an absolute idiot.

From now on his jobs should be washing everyone's clothes, ensuring all homework is done and making packed lunches along with whatever else he does.

I only read mumsnet to remember how good it is I ditched ex DH
YANBU op. He mamaged to wash his own clothes and get food for meals HE wanted without ANY thought for anybody else. So selfish I have steam coming out of my ears for you. I still have PTSD from sunday nights suddenly panicking there wasn't any uniform and scurrying round to washnit while he did sweet FA

Your DH should have done the washing and packed lunch, absolutely, but it's up to your DS to do his homework.

Maybe next time write "WASHING AND SANDWICHES" on a piece of paper and put it on the fridge.

Shouldn't a 11/13 year old be able to do their own homework/washing? Obviously if there's needs you've not mentioned, ok.
Only saying that in the future, someone will be moaning about their mum not training them!
Note-their mum, not dad! It's always on mothers. But hopefully, by then, no one will be criticising their mum for leaving the family to it

Can't you see that you're raising your 11yo to be as useless as his father and to think it's ok to outsource all his thinking to the nearest female? Tell him in future he'll just have to bear the consequences at school if he doesn't do his homework, AND that if he gets in trouble at school he'll be in trouble at home too. Bloody hell, my parents would have gone ballistic if I'd shown them up like that, EVER.

Sorry you married such a crap selfish man. Usual story: woman puts kids first, man puts himself first and half the time the kids don't enter his head. Sometimes it feels like this is the theme of a pretty high percentage of the posts on here.

Both ds are going to grow up to be as incompetent as their father. Does he not worry about what kind of role model he is being?

Maybe have a few weeks of him doing all of those things whilst you are there, shopping,lunches, washings he can ask some questions, you can point things out but until he does these things he won't do them. He obviously knows how to look after himself, why he didn't think uniforms, lunches needed done, is questions you need to ask.

Sounds like you need to make your husband to step up and parent and take responsibility

The 11 yo has probably only been at secondary for 3 weeks so probably fair for a bit of parental reminders / encouragement st this stage. It's likely a big jump up from yr 6 homework.

So, he does them every weekend and the weekend the OP is away, he decides not to do them?

More likely that the OP does all those things and so he didn't think about doing them.

He needs to start doing more at home.

Clean clothes and food are the basics. I’d be livid and expect dh to make up for it by sorting the washing and lunches for the rest of the week. I’m not a housekeeper and what you have isn’t a partner. How was he expecting dc clothes to magically clean themselves?! I’m raging on your behalf.

My husband would have been exactly the same. I'm even more livid about his laziness now the kids are 18/15. Because they are older, he does even less, because lifts and ferrying aren't needed any more and because sticking fish fingers in the oven doesn't really cut it and they can fend for themselves a bit.

We had to encourage dd2 to do homework and still do at gcse. Dd1&3 are self sufficient. Depends on the dc and age 11 is still likely to need parental oversight.

The OP has said "Unfortunately, my 11-year-old will not do homework unless he is specifically told to."

So it's not even that he's forgetting, he just won't do it without being told and she went on to say he was the same in Primary.

So he's going to have to pull his socks up or face the consequences just like everyone else in year 7.

He’s unaware that his children need clothing and feeding? No, he is not. PE kit day and food ingredients for DT I could understand, every day school uniform and lunch, not a chance. Does he think they go naked? Does he think they starve?