AIBU to expect better while I’m away for a weekend?

[WoIsMe]

I was at Cub Scout camp last weekend from Friday afternoon straight after work until around 5 p.m. on Sunday. I’m a Beaver Scout leader and already do three camps a year with them but Cubs needed a Nights Away permit holder and asked me to attend Cub camp as a favour. I didn’t really want to go but they would have had to cancel the camp if I didn’t go so I felt I had to attend. Added to that, we had an injury at camp so I spent Saturday afternoon at A&E and then making the required follow up reports after dealing with a stressed and scared child.

Fast forward to this morning and:

1. DS13 has gone to school in just a polo shirt as DH didn’t wash any school uniform over the weekend. He washed his own clothes and running kit, just none of the kids’ clothes.
2. DS11 hasn’t done any homework so he’ll get a negative behaviour point and a detention at school. DH said he didn’t know there was any homework despite the fact that he has the school homework app.
3. I had to problem solve to make packed lunches for them both since DH went food shopping but didn’t get any bread, sandwich fillings, fruit or snacks.

DH says it doesn’t matter as it’s too late to do anything about it now.

So, AIBU to think a grown man should be able to do the bare minimum for his children when his wife is away for the entire weekend?

At 11 I was washing my own clothes and doing my homework your son's not a baby he could have done it 😂

It's not unreasonable to expect more. It's not OK to accept that when Dad's in charge things go to shit. Everyone's been impacted by his incompetence.

You shouldn't have to leave him list of things to do when you're away. That's extra labour for you. You're supposed to be a partnership, a couple of adults.

Sure, these mess ups this weekend are minor but they're a symptom of disrespect and a lack of care. And that's why it matters.

Finally, thank you for your time on the Scouting camp. My boys have been through from Beavers to 18 and they've had so many amazing experiences and opportunities through Scouting. I'm really grateful to all of the volunteers. One of my boys was helping at a camp for squirrels, beavers and cubs this weekend and they loved it. Your husband should be proud of you and prove it to you by doing what needs doing on a normal weekend.

Show him all the comments here.

No, he's ELEVEN not seven.

He'll be in senior school next year so now is the time to learn that lack of action has consequences.

An 11 yo can do thier homework and make a sandwich 😂😂 their not babies

It sounds like he’s already in senior school! Better to learn this lesson/self motivation in year 7 than year 11

Yes, I just spotted that and the fact that 'unfortunately he won't do his homework unless actually told to'.

Great! This is the year he learns independence and if that takes multiple detentions, then so be it.

It'll be the same when he forgets his PE kit because mum hasn't told him he needs to take it.

Seems like they survived without you. At 11 and 13 your DC are old enough to make their own foolish decisions and suffer the consequences of their actions. You should stop trying to micromanage them. They will never learn to stand on their own two feet.

So the eldest went to school in just a polo shirt, so what? Either he'll be fine or he'll be cold and he'll make sure it doesn't happen again. Why can't your kids do their own laundry? A washing machine is easier to operate than a Playstation. At 11 and 13my two boys were doing their own. If they didn't have a clean uniform that was their problem.

If you leave the management of the home in someone else's hands you have to accept that they will do it their way.

OP if he’s not had to be solely in charge of the children for a weekend and sort them out for school then he is learning as he goes. He won’t be as skilled as you. Leave him to it. If the kids complain, point them at their father. If the school complains, have him deal with the fall out. If you keep creating a safety net for him, he will learn that he can do whatever and you will pick up the pieces. The kids won’t be affected long term from one instance. Let him feel the pain and learn from it.

By this point it shouldn't be OP's job either.

Can you move out for a couple of weeks? Fake an illness? He needs a good, proper, kick right up the arse, multiple times a day until he learns.

I would have expected the 11 year old to get on with his homework and he needs to take responsibility for that. The rest yes your DH is acting like a child

This!

Whenever I read threads like this, it once again amazes me that men dominate most of the top positions in society when so many of them are clearly utterly incompetent. Imagine what kind of world we could live in if women were in charge. And perhaps we could get there more quickly if we didn't endlessly cover for them and take on their share of the domestic labour.

True, but I suspect the OP's son will end up the same way.

@WoIsMe obviously his coming weekends are going to be practising all the things he fucked up this weekend so he can get it right next time you're away. Sounds like he needs oversight for a bit until he becomes proficient.

I had to problem solve to make packed lunches for them both since DH went food shopping but didn’t get any bread, sandwich fillings, fruit or snacks

Interested as why none of these items were purchased if he went food shopping? Did he not take a list?

What did he buy?

DC are old enough to take responsibility for the things they need to. DC13 should at the very least be washing their own clothes, checking that they have what they need for school and taking care of it. DC11 is responsible for doing their homework. They shouldn't need a parent to check that they've done it, and any consequence of that is on them. If your response was to have words with their dad, you are giving them the wrong message. Perhaps its time for DC to learn about responsibility and independence. Packed lunches, again not a big deal - you just send someone out to buy bread and sandwich fillings, drinks and snacks, DC make their lunches, 'problem' solved. Yes DH should have ordered properly, but its not as dramatic as your post implies.

A proper sit down conversation is needed about what happened this weekend and let him know it will only make you concerned about going away in the future and you shouldn’t have to feel that way.

My suggestion would be to make these jobs 100% his responsibility every weekend for the next six weeks, until he appreciates that they're his children too and you are not an employee.

Sit down together and make a list of daily, weekly, monthly, and termly tasks that need doing, so that he never has the excuse of "not knowing", and never has to ask you to tell him what to do / make a list / explain how the washing machine works.

NB: I know from your post that your DH can do laundry, but I had YEARS of an ex pretending not to know how to work the machine, needing instructions every time. He'd also studiously rinse the dishes in cold water instead of washing them with hot water and dish soap, meaning they stayed greasy I had to repeat the task every time. He would roll his eyes and say "nothing's ever good enough for you". That's if he did it at all - once every 2-3 weeks I'd get told to relax because he would do the washing up. Then he wouldn't do it. Next day, still there. And the next. Snapped at for nagging when I mentioned it, because he's definitely going to do it and I'm so impatient. Eventually after I get fed up and do it myself - "I was going to do it!" (WHY ARE MEN LIKE THIS, they should come with a warning)

Anyways, the point is I know what it's like to live with this kind of faux incompetence that's really just a lazy man not wanting to pull his weight and not caring how much extra it puts on you. Do NOT let it go. It's not a small thing.

I think OP you do too much at home and live with people who rely too heavily on mum.

Maybe this is a wake-up call and some new household rules put in place? Time you stopped doing it all, you're raising children not to be self-sufficient and have let a husband be lazy! He needs a kick up the arse imo, the very least you need to be able to trust him to do a good job when away even if you accept the things at home as they are when you are home.

It's a bit mad/sad isn't it? Having the OP to have to parent her husband.

Me too - other things involve appliances or cash so adult probably needed - homework doesn’t - have a chat with your kids ref homework OP, it shouldn’t need parental nagging/involvement. Although in the case of my son when he was 11 I accept he would have done zilch if I hadnt nagged -

Your husband clearly doesn't do much, and let's you deal with shopping, laundry, homework on a normal weekend! Therefore, he had zero idea what he needed to do, whilst you were away.

Your 11 year old needs to take some responsibility here. He would know himself what homework he has, and what's expected of him. Therefore he could have completed his homework, without your husband's input. If he's sanctioned, then it might make him take some responsibility and be accountable.

My son would have told his Dad that his uniform needed washing, if he'd been in the same situation. I appreciate though, that not all children would have done though!

Your husband needs to take on some of the responsibility at weekends. How is he ever going to learn what needs doing, if he doesn't ever do it!

What a useless twat.

But by 11 and 13, especially if the 11-year-old is at secondary school, they could take some responsibility for these things.

I get why you're annoyed. But my first thought is that if a situation arises like this when you've been together at least 13 years, your communication as a couple must be very poor indeed. After that long together, these basic expectations about duties etc should have been ironed out. It should be the case that you're both clear on what you're aiming for as a team and what your roles are, rather than one of you holding certain expectations and getting annoyed when the other fails to meet them. That dynamic is such a total waste of energy.