Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

that’s how I read it too! Makes a big difference to how people are responding too - OP please could you clarify?

Do you mean the class has 14 kids in? Or that 10 kids were from school, out of the 14 invited to the party?

Your post resonates with me, my daughter is autistic and struggled with friendships in junior school. She had a birthday party in the last year of junior school and five people turned up. One of them I didn't know, I was so pleased I went into the kitchen and burst into tears. I hope your has made some friends as he's got older. To read he was so sad at such a young age is heartbreaking.

I didn’t read it as 10 out of 14 of the birthday child’s class were invited, I read it as 10 out of the 14 that were invited were from school - some from the child’s own class and some from other classes - and 4 were from other places, like after school activity friends. It’s not clear to me from the OP what proportion of actual classmates that were invited.

10 out of 14 for a class is pretty shitty tbh. Obviously no one has to invite everyone to a party but with a small amount not included it is a bit rubbish for those not invited. It’s not like a class of 30 and you’ve only invited 12. The mum shouldn’t of blasted you on social media though, she should of just accepted her child wasn’t invited but if she thinks hers is the only child not invited she’s thinking your discriminating her child.
I would of been commenting though to correct her about the situation

I agree with others. It’s the ratio that caused upset here, and while I don’t like the other mother’s choice to take it to social media, her sentiment is understandable.
I would second the “left out group” being larger than participants as a general guide.

I'm going to disagree with the majority... Last year I made my DD invite all 13 of the girls in her class to a party, she only wanted 11 of them plus some boys and I felt uncomfortable about leaving two girls out.

The two extra girls were really badly behaved, one of them in particular was an utter nuisance and I could totally see why DD didn't want her there, ruining her party. So this year I'm going to listen to her!

Yep I think it's the 10/14 that's the issue here.
You needed to go for less from the class if you weren't inviting everyone as it does look mean leaving out just 4 for whatever reason.
Also how old are they? If you felt one child might have been challenging perhaps a parent could have stayed.
I also find it interesting the posts where it's supposedly a sen child that hurts others who is left out, and the OP never comes back to any questions.

How many times did you say, "my child", in that post?

I think you could have included another four, however people should not be talking like that on social media, it's a private matter.

you invite the whole class (and if there's someone you don't like let's hope the feeling is mutual and they don't come) or just a few choice mates. This halfway some-but-not-all honestly just sucks.

I am sorry but I completely disagree. End result if that you are not invited anyway, and you need to learn not to count how many other people are not invited too. How would you even know anyway.

It's much healthier to learn that "not being invited" doesn't mean you are EXCLUDED, and people are allowed to have friends.

Nothing wrong with a child having the birthday party he wants.

It is about the one thing that the OP was clear about!

I think you're getting a hard time OP. I think it's fine to invite friends only. And this kid might have SEN, but if he hurts other kids and calls them foul names, then no, people are not going to want them at parties. At our school, Reception parties are normally whole class, after that, you invite who you like. I don't think kids should be made to invite kids who are horrible to them to their parties.

Considering you didn’t invite all the children in the class but hers, I would assume this post is not about you.

people do this in my daughters school l one mum handled it really well she came up to me and asked if my daughter would enjoy a football party as she had limited numbers and I said honestly no. It made me feel like she had at least thought about us

My rule for my kids is less than half the class, or everyone. Inviting a few special friends is fine, but it's not fine to leave a few people out.

Equally the mum was being ridiculous posting about it on social media.

Exactly! This wasn't what I would describe as 'kind'.

I also think you are getting a hard time OP. Parties are expensive. Numbers were limited. It's your child's birthday and they get to enjoy the day by being with other kids whose company they enjoy and not having to dodge children who have hurt him in the past. It would have been different if they not invited 1 or 2 children from the class, but almost a third weren't invited!

Yes that was absolutely cruel to those 4. @DippyDo3 can you imagine yourself young in a class of 14 children, 10 of which were invited to a party and you were one of four left out. How would you have felt?

Kids do not work it out like that. They just see, 10 were invited, 4 left out. Not nice.

It would have worked the other way though.

I read it to mean out of 14 kids invited in total, 10 were from school? Or the school has very small class numbers

Another mean adult!

you are the one who sounds very entitled. Why should you expect to be invited to everything exactly?

YABU. You have made 4 children feel excluded and left out. Including one who is already struggling to fit in. You are the adult here and should have thought this through. You’ll know for next time.
the general rule is invite whole class especially when class is small like 14.
if you had limited numbers and invited a small group of 6 out of a big class of 30 then this would be acceptable too

I disagree with the majority here. I think it's important for the child to choose who their own friends are. They should be encouraged to trust their own judgement about who are safe, supportive and positive friends and who are people who will bring pain and drama into their lives. They should be allowed to have their opinions and boundaries respected. Developing these skills leads to teens who chose their friends well and don't fall in with the wrong crowd. And adults who stand up for themselves in healthy relationships and don't get into crazy situations with batshit in laws.

Nobody thinks being a people pleaser is a good trait. Nobody should be expected to spend their leisure time, let alone their birthday celebration with people they dislike, let alone a person who is violent and aggressive towards them. Why is this something to encourage if the people involved are under some arbitrary age?

Your job is to help your child grow up to be the best, happiest, healthist version of themself. They should be taught to be polite to people they don't like, and understanding of disability or difference, but they do not need to compromise their own wellbeing for anyone.

Inviting 10 out of 14 would have resulted in this because the 4 not coming would have felt excluded no matter your excuse. If you have invited 7 or less then that’ll be more balanced. How I do these things is I invite a group (so like school) with a short RSVP date and wait to get responses and if I still have space invite the next group. My DD was born on Xmas eve so we always get lots who decline her invite so I don’t have to leave anyone out to make up the numbers