Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

If the child is hitting others and calling them names why on earth would their parent think they would be invited, SEN or not?

I feel sorry for all the children of the posters on this thread who would force their child to invite their child's bully to their own birthday party. Talk about failing your kids. It doesnt matter if the perpetrator has SEN, it doesnt undo the harm being a victim of bullying causes. Would all those posters encouraging the OP to invite the violent child be so keen to invite a violent adult to their own parties?

Totally agree - all this "well you clearly had space as you invited others not at the school" ?? Well, presumably those children were her DC's actual friends who they liked more than the ones in the class?

I would not make my child choose a class randomer they might not even like over an actual friend if I had a set number of spaces - they 100% get to choose!

My sympathies are with you, OP. I don't think you mentioned in your post if parents were expected to stay at the party. Who would have been left to supervise this particular child had they struggled with the theme of the party and didn't want to participate? What if they had started with the name calling and foul language? I also wouldn't be insisting my child invite someone who had hurt them and their friends.

She says 10 from school and some from different classes..., so I think most people take that as 10 from DC's class (of 14) and then others from other classes, not 10 from the whole school.

If there are only 10 places at the party then clearly you have to work out who is invited from the class and who isn’t. But there were a lot more than ten places so making the cut of four children from the class seems very pointed, and mean. I understand that the child with SEN has been unkind and that inviting him would be a push, but I think you could have approached it differently , explained to the mum that he was invited but that you expected her to also attend and to keep an eye on him and moderate his behaviour if necessary.

What were the reasons for not inviting the other three?

You're a real advocate for exclusion, aren't you?, given how many times you've posted on this one thread to push your message. I don't know which is sadder - this or the four children who were thoughtlessly left out.

Well guess what, sometimes you don't "make the cut"

Were any of these kids even their friend??

If it’s more than half the class, then yes that is pretty fecking dreadful OP. It doesn’t justify giving it full rantypants on SM, but I can kind of see where the other mum is coming from. It’s ALWAYS the SEND kids.

Although 2 hours on a coach full of noisy little darlings for a sport thing sounds like most SEND kids’ idea of hell on toast (and mine tbf), so perhaps they’ll be counting their blessings on the day itself.

It hurts so much to be one of the few excluded. It’s one of the biggest hurts for children

I'm a primary school teacher so I see the fall out of a few children being left out and obviously our whole ethos is about inclusion. I understand it's not always easy but I tell my own children it's either everybody or a small group.

OP said that places were limited. Her DC chose the X people he most wanted at the party - it included 10 people who were in his class and a bunch of others he likes more than the 4 from his class that he didn't invite.

I think she means she hired a sports coach for 2 hours to play the sport with them.

Personally my child had one of:

• the whole class
• all the children in class of same sex
• up to four close friends (so for my son that would have been four out of thirteen boys).

I can see how the misunderstanding has come about.

and the birthday child who doesn't want him there because he has hurt him? Why does another child's feelings come before their own when it's supposed to be their party?

I imagine the birthday child simply likes the other children he has invited more such as friends from activities etc. That's just how it goes.

Do you mean you have invited 10 out of 14 from the class OR that only 14 allowed at party and 10 of those are from the class?

10/14 is bad form. But YABU for saying “my child” a zillion times.

I am pretty confident that it has happened to every single child at one point or another. The difference is the parents reaction to that non-event.

I wouldnt have ever expected my child to invite someone that hurts them to a party, SEN or not. Yanbu

An awful lot of people can’t read properly.

There were 14 spaces for the party. 10 of these spaces were filled by children from school (remaining 4 were friends from activities). Of these 10 from school it was a mix of class friends and other children from the school. Therefore less than 10 from a class so given average class sizes, probably less than half the class. Of which one mum took offence.

When younger, with hall parties I was always the more the merrier. All the class, friends from other classes and activities. Everyone could bring siblings if they needed / wanted to, and they would also be fed and take a party bag home. But, I think when the kids get older and the parties get more expensive/ special interest, it’s natural to limit numbers.

YANBU OP, it’s natural for the other mum to worry that SEN means her child is being left out. It’s not reasonable for her to make a passive aggressive post on Facebook on it. Personally, I’d confront her about it and point out her entitled attitude may have rubbed off on her child and be why they weren’t invited.

I think from reading the replies that people think the ratio was bad. But im glad others are of my
mindset.
My childs first words coming out of school for months were whether or not this particular child had hurt them that day or not and that broke my heart. They were adamant they didn’t want to invite them and i had to support them on that. I do feel the mum thinks its because her child has SEN but it has more to do with the violence and bad language. Around the time of planning there was a bad incident and some bad language used in the same week. If it makes me a bad person to not want my children to be exposed to that then so be it. I have sympathy for the parents of SEN children but surely it can’t be used as an excuse for bad behaviour.
It wasnt an ideal party with numbers but they really wanted this type of party. Il definitely have a rethink on ratios next year its hard to get it right when theres other factors such as friends from activities/siblings etc

10 out of 14 is just mean. Sorry.

I read this as out of the 14 party kids, 10 were from school with some of that 10 being from different classes.
In which case, yanbu and she is totally out of line.
However, if I read ot wrong and the class has 14 kids, of which you snubbed 4... yabvu and she is right to be hurt on her kids behalf and defensive tho social media rants are still not the way.

Yeah OP you need to clarify the “10 out of 14” thing. But also she might not have been referring to this party?!

I think it was a bit mean to exclude 4 of the class. But completely unreasonable for the mum to post this in social media.