Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

Yes, all children would be invited!

Did you read the rest of my post?

Wow. and when the child hurts your child and spoils their birthday party?

So OP’s child should have to sacrifice their own happiness and emotional wellbeing on the celebration of their own special day by inviting a child who harms them just so that the other mother’s child feels inclusive? That’s what we teach our children? That their own comfort and safety is secondary to being seen to be “inclusive”?

I have been there, and the children are now best friends!

OP's child already has a best friend who goes to a different school. That child would have to be excluded if all of the class is invited.

It's also absolutely fine for a child to not want to be friends with someone who hurts them.

I think it’s very harsh to leave out 4 children

Just chipping in to say. Id hate it if my child was only invited because they were SEN rather than they were wanted.
Sometimes life is just a bit shit. If theres 10 spaces only 10 can go.
FB mum sounds a bloody nightmare, and all her bitchy cronies

As a SEN mum I was relieved not to go to parties it was usually to much for children. So I wonder if its all about her and not the child.

Saying that I agree that it doesn't seem very fair inviting 10 and leaving out 4, maybe a better balance of 7 or 8.
My daughter(not SEN) is friends with everyone in her class and had a whole class party at age 5. At age 6 we hosted it at home and decided on just a few friends(7 out of 32 in her class.) She did feel bad not inviting everyone but I couldn't cope with that many in my home. There was a mum who I was friends with, her daughter is in the same year but different class, that hasn't spoken to me since then(a year ago) because I didn't invite her daughter to the party but in all honesty she had told me she doesn't like socialising much and the mums from my daughters class don't know her. It was weird to me that she took it so personally.

Why is it worse to leave out a SEN child?

Surely the OP is addressing the behaviour by not inviting the child that hurts other children. Not by requiring them to be less disabled. One child’s SEN doesn’t trump another child’s right to safety.

I think kids (& adults) should get the birthday THEY want. If that’s a hall and games that everyone can be invited to, brilliant. If it’s five a side football and only 10 out of 15 boys can be invited, so be it 🤷‍♀️

Leaving out a small group of 4 children was a really unkind thing to do, and definitely isn't teaching your dc to be kind to everyone!

You need to either invite everyone or only invite a smaller group.

Lesson of life. If you are unpleasant and obnoxious to people in situations where they have no choice over being in the same group as you, then it should be no surprise that you will not be invited where they do have a choice. SEN is being used as an excuse in this situation. Why should a parent who is paying for a party (with their own hard earned money) for their own beloved child have to host another child who is vile and rude?

these things used to be much simpler. If you’re a bully, if you’re violent unpleasant, if you’re nasty: you wouldn’t get invited to things because people didn’t like you. When did that change? These are the very basics of socialisation and parents should make it one of the key things they teach their children.

I don’t think it’s worse? But I think it’s telling.

That is not kind or responsible to your own child - to expose them in their own home to a bully.

It hasn't universally changed - the vast majority people on this thread are validating the decision not to invite the bullying child; some are commenting on the ratio. Just about the majority are backing what the OP did in its entirety.

Well said. And incidentally special educational needs are not a reason to hit people.

I am sorry, but I disagree. This situation can be managed, when you involve the disruptive child's parents, and explain the situation you find yourself in. I did this, and as I said in a previous post, the child came to the party and his parents took responsibility for his behaviour, with the understanding if he misbehaved, he would be going home. He was as good as gold and my son ended up with a new best friend.

I think it depends on what sort of party. I've seen this approach work fine at village hall or soft play parties with the child's parent offering a lot of support. An activity party where you need to follow lots of instructions is different. Besides I would be less likely to trust this child's mother after her behaviour on social media.

That only works if parents are actually willing to take responsibility and if it's the kind of party where parents can tag along to.

Inviting all children in this case would also mean the child's actual best friend who goes to a different school getting excluded.

that you care more about other kids than the safety of your of child is both disgusting and worrying from a safeguarding point of view. what the actual hell

I have and I'm still stunned that you think the mother safeguarding her child and not inviting a bully is in the wrong.

Weird that you totally disregarded my “invite fewer children” alternative then. No one is saying you MUST invite a bully, they are saying manage it so 4 out of 10 children from a small class are not excluded. What is your opinion about the other 3 children not being included?

it's fine. they survive. it's not like one was singled out. It's on the parents to manage this. Invites were not even handed out in school ffs.