Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

I have SEN, my kids have SEN - I would invite all kids even if my kids weren't necessarily friends with them I didn't want them to feel excluded.

But those were also the kids which gave me the most stress at parties. Looking back I should have only invited the kids my kids liked.

I’m going against the grain here because I think it’s ok to exclude a child who hurts the birthday child. If they use bad language and generally cause upset, then regardless of SEN their parent needs to understand that reasons for the exclusion are valid and help their child understand them
too.

I say this as someone who’s dc had SEN and I know it hurts when they are excluded, but it is ok for them to learn that hurting other children has consequences.

@theneighbourgotmycakeaddress the behaviour? You want the kid to try being a bit less disabled?

10/14 is the issue. Had it been 6/14 or 10/30 it would have been fine.
If you care what she (or others who have seen or commented on her post) then tell her (in person) that you're sorry it felt like her child had been singled out and not invited, that it wasn't the case and there were several not invited, it was limited numbers and in order to invite friends from out of the class that your son is closer friends with, he couldn't invite the whole class.

Stick to whole class or smaller groups to avoid causing offence.

Inviting 10 out of 14 just makes you look bad OP. I’m sorry but that’s just horrible. As a PP said as an adult you wouldn’t do it in a work environment so why is it ok to do it to a child.

There is no SEN 'card' to be played, and a response like that, speaks volumes.

I hate birthday party politics and having had primary school politics for a number of years IMO you either should invite the whole class or maybe only a few from a class (defo less than half), or all girls or all boys.
These kids talk and I’ve seen some kids be really upset when the majority of the class is invited.

As a parent I’d say it’s more up to you to be sympathetic to kids feelings/potential upset as other children don’t really think about that when sorting their invite lists.
Having 10 out of a class of 14 is a bit unfair and I believe had the potential for upset.

It is not impossible for the majority of children with SEN to learn that they shouldn’t hurt people.

It does them a disservice and underestimates them to assume they can’t learn not to hurt.

I agree with the majority of posters - the 10 out of 14 is the issue. I don't agree with the mum posting on social media but I think that the ratio is a bit unfair to the kids who weren't invited.

I read it as there were 14 spots at the party and the OP's child filled 10 of those spots with school friends, including some from different classes. Hopefully they will be back to clarify soon...

She shouldn’t have posted online but inviting 10/14 was harsh especially when you had space for extras from other classes and activities outside of school. So it obviously was very much that you/DS didn’t want those 4 kids there and since it’s a tiny number they’re going to take it personally, because well, it is personal. A better rule of thumb is if it isn’t all the kids/all the boys then stick to half or less. If you’d done 7 out of 14 no one would be upset.

Leaving out only 4 from a small class wasn’t kind. Her DC is clearly upset about it (as probably are the other 3) which has in turn upset the DM.

Not much you can do about it now, but maybe think carefully if planning a party for next year.

Just rise above it @DippyDo3 In the grand scheme of things, it means nothing. There will be other parties for your DC and the other DC.

So when my kids say “I don’t want x coming to my party” I ask why. Normally it’s something like “Jessica played with Rachel and not me today so she isn’t coming!” The answer to that is yes she is, not everyone wants to play with you all the time.

However, sometimes they’ll tell me they don’t want a child coming because they’re mean and they have hurt/picked on them or others consistently. In that case, they’re not coming. I don’t care if they’re the only one left out, I’m not having my kids feeling unsafe or anxious about their birthdays to save the feelings of another child who consistently behaves like that.

I’ve had one mum confront be about excluding her son. He terrorised my son, until he eventually hit him back, after which he moved on to picking on another wee boy. I just told her he’s not brining his reign of terror to my son’s birthday and to argue with the wall. It was rude, she doesn’t like me, but that’s fine by me. I’ve had my kids be the only ones not invited, especially my son who has ASD. It sucks but I just explain to them you’re gonna be left out sometimes and that’s just life, then I distract them by doing something fun like baking with them or a cheap/free trip out. I think it’s important for them to know and understand not everyone is going to like you and that’s okay! You don’t have to like everyone either!

I think with 10/14 of the class invited, to avoid drama, you could have just invited the whole class - usually 25% can't come so any left over spors go to friends outside school.

Isn’t this very outing?

Guessing you and her had a bit of history before this?

I agree with those saying either half the class, or all. Just leaving out 4 does seem bad

I am generally for inviting who you want.
But inviting 10 out of 14 is never going to look great.

I think it’s hard to ever get it right. I don’t really prescribe to the invite the whole class rule (nursery maybe), but that’s because I remember my own class at school, some I liked, some I really didn’t and a few were bullies who I’d have hated to be there. But, I suppose once you get to 10 out of 14 then (unless there are bullies or similar that your child really does not want there) then it does start to feel a little cruel leaving them out.

Beyond that though, I can’t quite get over the 2 hour coach trip! Do you mean each way? 4 hours stuck in a coach with a dozen or so children?! Gosh you’re brave!!!

10/14 is on you I’m afraid. I have always been of the view it needs to be whole class, all of girls/boys or smaller like 6/7 kids. It’s really cruel if someone invites 8/10 girls for example. They all talk and they know about it.

We are finding this much trickier with my second. The class is evenly split by sex and so there are 15 girls with lots of party venues accommodating 10-12 kids. I have personally not chosen to do a 10/15 as it’s on the cusp of being divisive but others have. So I will most likely encourage something where it’s 5/6 or 15 next time round.

Leaving four kids out was a bit shit, op.

I imagine OP meant sports coach - ie an instructor, not a bus.

I don't think people realise. All we can do is show our children how to behave. I think kids should just have a hall and party games and include everyone.
(((Hugs to your little one)))

I'm going to put my hard hat on and say I'd be quite happy to exclude one child from a party if they were regularly hurting my DC, SEN or no SEN.

If it's my child's birthday party I want them to have fun, and not worry about whether that one kid is going to hit / push / bite / strangle them.

No child should have to put up with violence from another child, and they certainly shouldn't be forced to invite them to their birthday party.

Beyond that though, I can’t quite get over the 2 hour coach trip! Do you mean each way? 4 hours stuck in a coach with a dozen or so children?! Gosh you’re brave!!!

I assumed it was a sports coach teaching the kids some sports skills for a couple of hours.