Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

Hahaha, that makes much more sense! Can you tell I have absolutely no clue about sport?!

10 out of 14 was out of order. I get that its who your son chose but kids need guidance on this stuff.

I also think that the mums Facebook post was stupid and attention seeking.

hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names.

my point exactly

Leaving 4 children out, at least one of which has SEN is a dick move OP. Around half is acceptable if you’re not inviting all or as others have said, just the girls or boys.

YANBU at all. Your child is allowed to choose a particular type of birthday party and choose who they'd like to attend. It would be very wrong to teach a child that they must invite someone who hurts them. The mum is also ridiculous for airing that on social media.

I don't think it's unreasonable to not invite the whole class but I also think that only leaving 4 children out of a class of 14 doesn't sit well with the parents of the 4 who didn't get invited.

However, I also don't think it's unreasonable to not invite someone who you don't actually like to your birthday party. It's OK to only have people who make you feel good and who you feel comfortable around. This child wasn't not invited because they have additional learning needs, they weren't invited because they're not friends with the birthday child.

If you worked somewhere with 13 other people and found out that 10 of the others had been invited to do something fun, you'd feel excluded and put out wouldn't you?

If you worked with 13 other people and 4 of them were invited to something fun you'd be in the majority and not feel singled out. You might still be a bit gutted to miss the fun thing but you'd understand that it's only the people who are closest to each other who've been invited.

We had a thing where once they were in school our kids could invite as many friends as their age that year (yes we were flexible, it was a guide) in primary but they were in classes of 30 children.

hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names.

you know that SEN and non-SEN parents don't want their own child to be hurt, don't you?

I read it as invited 10 children in total, and the 10 included children from other classes, so not only 4 of the class not going

Her post is for social media attention. Let her crack on.

Who are these posters trying to invent rules?

We teach our girls to stand up for themselves, and our boys too.
You invite who you want to invite. There's no such thing as "acceptable percentage"

It's so unfair to pretend that kids should suck it up and invite people they don't get on, instead of their own friends. Not everyone can invite the whole class, and it's fine.

Adults are such hypocrites, they won't invite someone they dislike in their own home or to their weddings, why should kids be different?

I agree, actually. I did the whole class thing, once, and one boy hit my daughter in the face. Funnily enough I never subscribed to that rule ever again

Of course you don’t have to invite the whole class if you don’t want to.

I’ve never agreed with this. It doesn’t do children any harm to realise they don’t get invited to everything or are not include in everything.

I wondered the same thing! A coach trip to get to a party!

You did nothing wrong. I'm sorry the mum and child felt left out but there was no reason to risk your child's party to that behavior. As a mum of a child with challenges *non violent, this happens sometimes it hurts but that's life. It would have been very unfair to have violence and swearing ruin your party.

10 out of 14 is pretty poor to be fair. I’m in a similar boat organising a party and I’m having a rethink as I know, roles reversed, we would feel pretty sad to be on the other side of this.
The boy / girl split matters too. If, for example, the 4 children were 3 girls and 1 boy… and you invited all the other boys that would only make it worse in my opinion.

Like everyone said - leaving out four from a class of 14 is just mean. You say you teach your children to be kind to others, well when you got the party list that was a teachable moment.

Having said that, I would not invite the child who hits either. And I did lose a friend as her child was violent to mine repeatedly and mine refused to see him anymore, and I supported him in that.

But nor would I have let my kids invite 10 out of 14.

Am I reading it's 10 children across all the classes not 10 out of a class of 14. If 10 out of the whole school and external classes yanbu. If 10 out of the 14 yabu and should have done a different sort of party and invited fewer. Although I can understand why your child doesn't want to invite a child that hurts them hence why different soft of party. However mum of the left out boy of potentially four shouldn't have thrown a wobbly online about it and tbh that looks very bad on her.

As others have said, you either invite the whole class or only a small handful. You can’t basically invite everyone but leave a small amount out, it isn’t fair.

If the OPs child invited some from either classes, that must mean at least two, so we're actually looking at eight or less from a class of fourteen. So that's half. Half the class wasn't invited.

OP invited 10 kids from across the school, not the class.

So pleased it’s not just me! I was imagining some expedition to a dry ski slope or some other specialist sporting place. With the poor OP having to deal with a coach load of bored children, manically trying to keep them entertained whilst also having to cope with the odd case of travel sickness!

You did nothing wrong OP. 10 out of 14 in class is ok. If your child is adamant that they don't want to invite someone, then that's ok too.

My children when in Reception years ago were allowed to invite whoever they wanted and as the parties were mostly held in the village hall, there wasn't a cap on numbers. We knew most of the children and their parents and from teaching in their school (albeit older classes) I could understand why they didn't want some pupils! Sorry, but that's the truth.

In those days, parents never used to stay, so I had to be confident that I could supervise AND that the children would behave.

If the Op is as clear about who was invited in RL as she is on this thread - I am surprised anyone knew whether they were or weren’t invited!

Who's paying? The child's parents? No one else has any say as to who is/is not invited. You don't do that for an adult conference/meeting/wedding reception/adult party. If that is what/who the child wants the invites go out and their parents/guardians decide to accept or decline. There is no way I would invite a very disruptive child unless that is what my child wants. Why does an SEN/disruptive unparented child trump my child's wishes.

Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names

I wouldn't invite any child whether SEN or not to a party of my DC if they hurt or used bad language towards them, it was an event where I wouldn't have wanted any child to be hurt or sworn at and a day for my DC to look forward to and not have to be worried the other DC would ruin their special day.

The other parent should be a shamed of herself using her DC in that way but I'd imagine if those reading it really know her they'll be taking her speel with a pinch of salt.