Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

I think the general rule is the whole class, all the boys/girls or a few kids (definitely under half the class). it’s not really fair to just leave 4 out?

Most parties have limited numbers, so you always have to be careful how you allocate them.

I don’t think you have to invite a whole class, but 10 out of 14 is enough that it is a couple of children being excluded rather than a few children being selected.

A bit of both I think. She shouldn’t have taken it to social media and she obviously wasn’t correct stating her child was the only one not invited, but leaving out only 4 of 14 children wasn’t great. Half the class max or all of them.

The exact maths varies a bit with different opinions but 10/14 was never going to go down well.

It doesn't excuse this woman's social media campaign though.

Yes your child should be involved in choosing who attends their birthday but it is your responsibility to guide them in what is and isn’t appropriate, kind, fair.

Inviting 10 out of 14 children, especially when at least one of those left out has SEN, is not a good look at all and it was your job to manage this either by inviting fewer from the class or by ensuring the whole class was included.

Not sure how old your child is and whether this is the first party you have hosted but maybe something you should reflect on before next year.

I've seen these types of posts before and the general consensus is usually your kid can invite who they want so YANBU. I guess this is what you want to hear anyway.

But as the mother of a SEN kid who used to cry himself to sleep every night out of loneliness and was seriously attempting suicide by the age of 6 I hate this. As the parent of a kid who doesn't have these challenges you have no idea the pain these children and their families experience. I think at least if some people did they'd behave differently.

My rule always is and always has been for my kids - you invite the whole class (and if there's someone you don't like let's hope the feeling is mutual and they don't come) or just a few choice mates. This halfway some-but-not-all honestly just sucks. It really sucks and I think people who do it because that's what their little princeling wants are not people I want to be mates with.

10 out of 14 (and you left out one with SEN?) … hmmm. I do feel a bit sorry for the 4 left out yes. I think it was mean.

The whole class should have been invited, imo. It really does not seem a good thing to do, leaving just four children out. It seems odd, also to think that the Mother is trying to score points, by 'using her SEN child', on social media.

I think if there are only 14 kids in the class, I wouldn't have left out 4. If you invite 8 out of a class of 30, that's fine. The mum has overreacted, probably because her child was upset and none of us like to see our child feeling left out. Just ignore her post and move on - it will blow over.

I don't agree with the taking to social media by the other mum.

BUT I agree that you should not have left only 4 children from the class out! I think that is cruel and I would also be mad if my child had come home upset with being one of the only children not invited. The other children have probably all been talking about it in the class. The four left out must have felt horrible!

The unspoken rule here is generally 'fewer than half or everyone'. Basically you don't want the 'left out' group to be smaller than the 'invited' group. So ten out of a class of thirty is fine, but ten out of fourteen wouldn't go down well.

YABU.

The mum lost the moral high ground posting on social media, but imagine you worked in an office of 14 and 10 of the others were invited out for lunch, would you be upset at being excluded? Amplify that for a child.

I've never done a whole class party so always kept it at 8-10 friends rather than almost all of them.

Leaving out 4 from a class of 14 (how many boys left out versus girls?) is pretty bad form, especially as there was clearly space, which has been filled by other people. The line about inviting him if it was soft play doesn't fit with the fact you invited more than 14 people in total.

Instead of being defensive, can you understand why the parent and child are upset?

Your DC might get to choose, but you get to set the boundaries, so the blame and any guilt should end with you and not be passed on to the children. You should have given your DC some limitations when he made choices (either all boys, less than half the class or all...) to be totally fine with him inviting 10/14 is not teaching him to be kind at all.

Asking 10 out of 14 children in a class is bound to make some children feel excluded - I think that was mean and thoughtless. With a class that size, I'd say that your child should either pick 4 or 5 at the most, stick to just boys or girls, or invite the whole class.

I don't think the mother should have posted on social media, but I can see why she is upset for her child, I'm sure she'll be worried he'll be facing a whole lifetime of discrimination, and your actions have reinforced that belief.

10/14 kids seems unfair on the other children regardless of reasons behind it. If party numbers were limited, you should have selected fewer people so the MAJORITY of the class or at least half is not attending.

I think you should have invited the whole class - clearly had the space as you included non school friends so it’s not like you could only do 10 kids or something. I think it’s super uncomfortable for the 4 left out (though complaining on social media is annoying)

Agree with everyone else, not good to invite 10 out of 14 when there wasn't a total of 10 allowed and even worse to leave that child out. Have overruled my children many times about parties and none have been spoiled as a result.
The mother doesn't sound very pleasant either though but people can get very, very upset when their child is excluded.

My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support

It sounds like you dropped the ball on this occasion.

As a rule of thumb, unless you're inviting a whole class, if you don't want to upset children, the uninvited group should ideally not be the minority. And the smaller the minority they are, the more potential for upset there will be.

Echo everyone else. Leaving out just 4 is not on at all. Up to half, girls, boys or all is the ‘rule’. Her social media post isn’t on either.

She's being a cow but that sort of posts and behaviour will make sure her kid never gets invited anywhere.

You have done nothing wrong and it's ridiculous to expect kids to invite their bully or someone they don't like. When it's adults, they are told not to ruin their weddings by inviting people they dont' want.

My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes totally normal!

It's a party, not everyone can be invited to everything.

If someone is keeping a spreadsheet to count how many are invited, and how many are not they are being over-involved and should get a life. Playing the "SEN" card instead of addressing the behaviour is the reason why these kids don't get invited.

What a dick move, excluding 4 kids out of the 14.

You can invite who you want!! The whole class?? Parties are expensive! If 4 were left then that’s just unfortunate but Mumsnet is batshit sometimes!

I’d have also been telling the mum exactly what I thought too…..big enough to post lies on social media then she’s big enough to come talk to your face! I hate people like that!

If people could stop translating "not being invited" by "being EXCLUDED"
the world would be a better place. 😂

It's not about you, or the person not invited. Someone invited their favourites and you were not top of their list. Big deal.