Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

You did nothing wrong and SEN is not a blanket excuse for being a mean child who you didn't want at the party. Just keep your chin up and move on, the mother is nuts.

The mother is an extremely difficult and troubled person.

And so is the child.

That's the obvious linkage here.

Bloody hell 🙄

Outright cruel? You really need to get a sense of perspective.

Agree it's irrelevant that the child is SEN. Sen means special educational needs and does not mean the child gets to hit people and still be invited to their house.

SEN is not disabled. And disabled also doesn't mean hitting is ok. This is basic stuff.

I think leaving just 4 out of a class is a really horrible and unkind thing to do, I can't imagine doing that to a class of children. Surely as an adult you would know how that would make them feel.

Ime (2 children in primary school currently). It's either full class parties, just boys/girls or a very small group so less than half. I've never known anyone do what you have done.

This year DS has chosen 2 friends to do an activity with, and DD is having 2 friends from school and 2 from outside of school.

I'm not sure I follow. Who enforces the "you have to invite the whole class" rule? Does that person have access to the parent's bank accounts? How does a school compel parents to host and pay for whole class parties? What authoritarian nonsense is this?

Very well said. Everything I wanted to articulate put across very clearly.

Personally I wouldn’t deliberately exclude a child because their mom had a different viewpoint to me - seems quite cruel. But each to their own.

I expect the poster means that teachers will only let children pass out invitations during school if the whole class is included. Quite a few schools have that rule due to having to deal with the upset/ arguments etc otherwise.

Obviously if it is all arranged outside of school then it's nothing to do with them.

So 4 not invited from the class? This is absolutely fine. The mum is obviously mistaken thinking it was just her DC not invited. You could approach her to explain you know about the SM post and you just want to clear the air if its about your DC party, it was purely down to numbers and budget and hers wasnt the only one not invited, and youre sorry if she got that impression.

Id be tempted to ignore her though tbh. Youve done nothing wrong at all.

10 out of a class of 14 is nasty and cruel.

Maybe an unpopular opinion but I don't think you've done the wrong thing. It's just because your child has a very small class that it's an issue. Everyone saying he excluded 4 kids 'including the one with SEN' is assuming he sees that as a reason not to invite them but maybe they're just not friends. I'm not sure I would want my child to be invited just because they're SEN if they're not friends - it might be even more isolating if no one plays with them at the party 😢 If I was in your shoes though, I would reach out to the parent and just explain. Say you've seen their post and are really sorry they felt this way but there were limited numbers so you asked your son to choose and there were other children in the class that weren't invited. That parent may have been told by their child that they were the only one so it's just nice to clarify so the mum can talk to their son and say he wasn't the only one.

My daughter didn't get invited to a nursery party recently and I was a little miffed for her when all the invites were handed out a pick up but she'd never mentioned this kid before. They weren't friends. So it was only a brief passing irrational thought I had... A few weeks later, after they were the only two kids in holiday club and they started playing together everyday, his dad said 'we're having a party, can I send you an invite'.

@DippyDo3 yanbu, this invite the whole class is ridiculous. It was not common in my kids day, if you are loaded an can afford it good for you, if not never feel pressure to do something you don't want to or is not in your budget and there was nothing wrong with your ratio. Hope your son had a great party with his friends. If my child was been hurt by another kid they woukd definitely not be invited to a party.

10 out of 14 of excluding the kid with SEN is pretty shitty

I'd ignore her and give it no credence or oxygen. Your son can choose who he wants to be friends with and who to invite to his party. Maybe this will be a learning experience for the other boy, that bullying and being a jerk to others has consequences.

I wouldn't have excluded 4/14 children. A smaller number of children from the class would have been reasonable.

The child in question hurts her son and other children, and you think they should be invited?!

its telling how people chose to ignore the bit where the kid with SEN regularly hurts children in class. I would not invite him either, and it’s bonkers that people think a child should tolerate someone at their birthday party who hurts them on a regular.

Viewpoint? Its not about a viewpoint.

Why should kids invite kids they don’t like or who have hurt them in the past us adults certainly wouldn’t.Thats life it’s not always fair. It’s your child’s party and they should choose who they want and it’s just bad luck. Your child may be in the same boat and not get invited to a party so they have to take on the chin.

So you would invite a child to your child's party who hurts them?

Excluding children from a class when the majority have been invited is bad form.

How could you possibly think this was the right thing to do? All the children should have been invited. Put yourself in the position of the 4 children, who were not invited. As a parent, I would be very upset if my child was excluded and treated differently to the majority of his/her classmates. Horrible way to treat children!