Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

Bad, but normal and happens all the time.

Nope! My child gets to invite who they want within the numbers allocated. My children have been the ones not invited before and we just breeze it out with a quick explanation that they chose other people. It’s literally never been a big deal.

I wouldn’t leave out a few friends my DC actually did want to invite so as not to hurt the feelings of a child who is physically violent to mine. I wouldn’t allow them to gloat about it or rub it in to those not invited because that would be unkind. Just not inviting children they’re not really friends with is not unkind.

My childs first words coming out of school for months were whether or not this particular child had hurt them that day or not and that broke my heart. They were adamant they didn’t want to invite them and i had to support them on that.

That's just heartbreaking isn't it.

I feel the mother's action in attacking you on sm was a bullying behaviour - and perhaps the apple doesn't fall far from the tree?

If it was me, I would be going in all guns blazing telling her that her child needs to moderate his behaviour if he wants to be invited to stuff ... but that's probably not a good idea 😁

Is not an adult we are talking about, they are children. I remember when I was young and was excluded from parties, the hurt that I felt at that age I can not compare with anything from my adult life. Leaving 4 kids out from a whole class is outright cruel. Remember the children can not regulate their emotions like we can.

If you invited 10 out of 14- the you are absolutely the asshole

Normally I'd say you were unfair, but no one should be forced to invite a bully to their birthday party.

I think you are slightly being U. 10 out of 14 is enough for the other four children to feel pretty dejected. I would not have broadcast it on social media though and I have been in the same position as that parent.

Exactly.

We have to let our kids choose their friends sooner or later.

I wouldn’t invite a child who was bullying mine, and I say that as a parent of a SEN child who has been excluded for being very introverted.

In general though I think you’d be better off going for 50/50 on the ratios if inviting children beyond the class.

Yeah it’s poor form. It happens in my kids school too from time to time and it’s hard not to loose respect for the parents. My kids have passed comment on the cruelty of it and they’re pretty young so be assured even the parents of the invited children are probably quietly judging you too.

And she doesn't have to invite that child. She just has to cut back the guest list so it isn't pointed.

One of the problems for all is us these days is that everyone goes round thinking "why should I ..." above all else, and society is consequently becoming pretty unpleasant.

Which means other children missing out who OP's child actually want there. Doesn't sound very fair to them or OP's child.

I’m sorry but yeah you broke some kind of unsaid rule. You can invite a few or all but not most and only leave out 4. If that is really tire and it wasn’t the one sen child like the mum claims. You also lost all sympathy and respect from me when you went on to describe the SEN child in a negative way. If you had just said the Child is SEN and mum is trying to angle it for that being the reason he’s been left out I could have given benefit of doubt but the fact you went on to say child hits and swears like it’s the reason he didn’t get invited. While claiming it to purely be just unfortunate that you are limited on numbers. If the kid is nasty and that’s the reason he didn’t get invited then just own it and say that.

Personally I couldn’t have left 4 children out. My heart is sad for them.
Not a great move from the mum to go to post about it but she was probably sad too.

Missing out is something we all need to learn to cope with. A child who cannot handle ever missing out is a brat.

Being an excluded minority is something we surely condemn as a society, no?

No I wasn't. Re read my post and point out where you think I wrote that. I'll wait.

Leaving 4 out is awful and that’s down to you not your child for allowing it!

I know it was unavoidable, you say, but just to leave out a couple is hurtful.

At primary school I was the ONLY one in the entire class not invited to a girl's party, and we got on very well. I still remember it 45 years later. She had no reason to exclude me. She just fancied being mean.

The mother was very wrong to make a post about it. Wtf? Why do so many adults behave like silly children? What literally was the need for a post about it? Why can't some people grow up? What would these people do without Facebook?

I think to exclude 4 feels too few people. I would be uncomftable doing this.

Except for the children in the class apparently.

They are missing out too because there simply aren't enough numbers or in one child's case, they hurt the birthday child.

The birthday child ultimately wanted other children there instead. Including their best friend who goes to a different school.

All children need to learn to cope with the fact that they won't be invited to every party and that they aren't entitled to attend a party just because it happens to be a child in their class.

how ridiculous

No one can invite everyone to everything. People should be ashamed to raise entitled kids and teaching them to become upset by complete non-events.

I don’t think the child should have been forced to invite everyone. I think he should have been told to pick 5/6/7 but no more than that. The 4 kids left out will be feeling terrible about it - leaving aside the bully, there are 3 others.

My kids are 10/13 and I had a whole class party once. When my daughter turned 4. Never ever again. They invited somewhere between 4-9 kids depending on the activity, but they’re in classes of 30/32 so different situation anyway.

I didn’t say they only left out one? I said once it gets more than half, you typically invite all. They invited more than 70percent. And the kids left out included the child with SEN. Have a look at some of dr Martha’s info about how kids make decisions about this kind of thing and who is likely to be excluded.

again, it’s her choice to do as she wishes - but equally other people are entitled to evaluate her behaviour and decide whether she is the kind of person they wish to associate with or not.

I can understand excluding the bully, regardless of SEN. But what about the other 3? Are they just the quieter kids in the class? I agree with most other posters that you should have limited the number to 6 or 7 from DC’s class if inviting everyone wasn’t possible.

This. Honestly it isn't cool really. I wouldn't let my kid do it as this will have long term consequences in how other see you and your child