Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

10 out of 14 is a bit of a high number when you’re not inviting all.

Perceived wisdom seems to be - all kids, all of one sex, or fewer than half the children.

On a personal note, I was excluded from a girls party once. I was only teen girl excluded. My mum said I must have done something. Years later I helped the girl who's party it was with her car. She apologized to me and said her mum didn't want to invite me as she didn't like my mum. I spent years telling myself that I was a worthless person over that exclusion. I would say my mother was a narcissist but yeah little things like that can be huge for kids.

Parties are difficult and numbers limited . I think at the end of the day it’s your child and your choice. I don’t think the mother who posted on social media was right to do that and would be very annoyed about it, it’s irrelevant that her child is SEN and if given your child’s experience we even should they invite them.

OK, so the OP does something that is very likely to upset four children. But those children are told effectively to suck it up and learn a valuable life’s lesson from the experience.

The mum of one of those children posts on social media about her DC being excluded. The OP is upset by this. But instead of sucking it up she reaches out to strangers online for support and validation - which she receives from some.

What I don’t understand is, why is the OP concerned about what the other mum says? Is it because others are empathising with said mum and the OP feels that this may lead to her own ‘exclusion’. It’s a bit late in the day (I mean, the OP is beyond primary school age) but isn’t this part of the life’s lesson that the four children are being asked to learn?

You don't seem to care about the feelings of the kids who are actually friends with the birthday child who would have to be left off this "sculpted" list you think is kinder.

I imagine it's because what the other mum is saying isn't even true. Her child isn't the only one who wasn't invited and it isn't because her child has SEN.

Tbh, if the child is violent towards others, as indicated in your post, no way would I be guilt tripped into inviting them. You have a responsibility to ensure the safety of the other DCs at the party, if their parents aren’t in attendance, so why should you have the added job of making sure the child doesn’t hit out and attack other party attendees?

To be honest if less than half the class is going, I don't feel that worried about the ones not invited. But when it becomes a case of "everyone except a, b, c" I find that a very different sort of exclusion.

This is why so few kids have social skills these days. Parents don’t have the strength of character to stick to accepted good manners and invite less than half the group or all; kids feel it’s fine for them to have a great time even if it’s caused other children distress and upset (even leaving aside the with the SEN child, the other three children left out will have been upset by this as well). Parenting like this is a recipe for creating an entitled, selfish child - which will be the OP’s truly deserved reward from their behaviour here.

So the OP wouldn't mind if the mum corrected herself and reported instead that her child was in the minority group that got excluded?

But it will be all the kid's friends except a, b and c. This focus on a class as the only social group that matters in terms of "exclusion" is myopic and unreasonable.

It’s interesting to me - as a SEND parent - that so many parents of NT children object to what is seen as the disruptive and resource-intensive presence of SEND children in the mainstream classroom. By this rationale, it’s fair enough if a disregulated child whose needs are not being met is excluded or upset. I understand why that is, but I also see how much those children can struggle in a bog-standard classroom. Behaviour is communication, as we all know!

The government is pushing through legislation that is likely to increase the number of these children being shoehorned into MS classrooms, with unsupported teachers expected to get on with it. Please don’t leave the objections to the SEND parents - our kids are largely being fucked over anyway, but yours will be too if this ludicrous pound shop SEND strategy goes ahead.

Not strictly relevant to the thread, but some of the comments got me thinking. As you were. 😊

Who knows. Maybe not, especially if she also mentions that her child hurts OP's child which I'm sure was also very conveniently left out.

Really unkind thing to do. Invite them all if less than half 100%.
You say ‘My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support.’ Clearly not true. SEN may not be an excuse for bad behaviour but it can be a reason and explanation. This child could be getting told each time it’s wrong and have consequences but SEN children do not learn and respond to these in the same way other children do. Everyone’s inclusive until it comes down to it and you have supported your child in excluding this boy because of behaviour more than likely linked to his SEN. Instead of explaining why he may act like this and it’s not nice no but his brain works differently to ours and as long as apologies are made we move on. But hey let’s just hope none of the four excluded have a party at some point and your sons the only one left out because they don’t want to invite him and their parents support their decision. Valueable life lessons could have been made here teaching about inclusivity but nope another child over indulged to choose what they want to do no matter how it makes others feel.

another child over indulged to choose what they want to do no matter how it makes others feel.

I'm afraid that's how I see it as well OP.

@Notyourregularmom the child in question has been violent towards the op’s child.

At some point, a line has to be drawn between being “kind and inclusive” and not teaching your child to be a doormat.

I think their own birthday party is a reasonable one.

A child isn't over indulged because they don't want to get physically assaulted at their own birthday party.

What about the other three though! I think having read the replies you are now trying to make this about the child with SEN when it’s just a dick move to invite 10 out of 14 children.

It's difficult but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to choose who to invite although I can see how it would be upsetting. But I think it's important to give children some agency over this. There's been children who my children have chosen not to invite and I think that's fine and need to respect it (although never been most of a group that's invited). I would invite children with SEN if my children wanted them - and actually I don't know exactly what children have SEN. I think a girl that was at my son's party probably does but she was fine. I think for the boy who has a 1:1 in my son's class I would invite him but I would ask his mum to stay.
Will probably never do a whole class party - my son would hate it and my daughter's birthday is just before school starts.
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Physically assaulted at there own party. Listen to what your saying about a child with needs. Considering op said the first thing her child would say would be if this child had hurt him or not says it all if this child was physically harming her child to a point of it being bad she wouldn’t be hearing it from her child it would be a call from the school. This woman has excluded four child and is using that as a way to make her feel better and people to tell her she’s not wrong. If she was fine with what she had done and knew she wasn’t wrong she wouldn’t be on the internet asking strangers for reassurance.

In regards to the child who has SEN I think @Notyourregularmom captures my thoughts very well.

Throughout this whole discourse the thing I find the most disheartening, besides what the OP deems acceptable and unacceptable behaviour, is that adults who have children themselves still have to be taught the principle of basic values such as 'understanding', 'compassion', 'inclusion' and 'kindness'.

My pre-schooler appears to have a better grasp (and I'm being quite serious).

Are you sure the post was about your child's party? The mum said her son was the only one excluded. You didn't invite 4 (not great, imo, but nowhere near as bad as 1). Maybe it was about another child's party where this child really was the only one not invited.

I get not inviting bullies but can also imagine how hard it must be to be a mum of a child never invited because of SEND.
My family moved to the opposite end of the country not long before my 9th birthday. Because I was the new girl my mum let me have a big party and said I could invite all the girls and 4 boys (no idea why the arbitrary token boy invite tbh!) I didn't even know all the boys by that point so I just invited the ones who sat on my table at school. One of them had SEND. I have no idea what it was but I remember his mum staying for the party so it must have been significant. When they went home he said 'thank you for having me, I've never been to a party before.' Being a tactless newly 9 year old who couldn't read between the lines I asked him why and he just said 'nobody's ever asked me.' I wasn't being kind in asking him, I invited him because I knew his name and had spoken to him. He might not even have been accurate and might have been to lots of infant school parties that he couldn't remember. But the adult me is glad he got to come.

So a little bit of physical harm is fine then? What on earth. It doesn't matter how much or how little it is or even that the child has SEN, they hurt OP's child and OP's child doesn't want them there.

It's understandable that OP's child doesn't want to be hurt/anxious/worried about this child at their own birthday party.

I think it’s unkind to invite 10 classmates and leave out 4. In your shoes, i would have tried to avoid that situation arising.

You mean except for the child who's birthday it actually is? I don't see any understanding, compassion or kindness from some pp's.

They should just accept getting hurt by a child at their own birthday party apparently.