Kids birthday party aibu

[DippyDo3]

I organised a party for my child a while back. My childs school is a small class with a mix of children. I asked my child who they wanted to invite, they also attend out of school activities and have friends from these activities. Numbers for the party were limited and the party involved a coach for 2 hours for a particular sport. My child picked 10 out of 14 children from school and some from different classes as they play with their older siblings friends too and some children from the out of school activites. Invites were sent to parents individually. Ive since found out that one of the mums of a child in the school class who wasn’t invited has made a social media post on her work page stating her child was the only child left out of a party and she is devastated that an adult would be so cruel. Her child has SEN and hurts not only my child but other children in the class and uses foul language to call them names. My children are taught to be kind to all children especially children that may be struggling or need extra support. However it was my child's decision who they wanted to invite based on who they are friends with as they couldn't pick everyone. I appreciate it is never nice to learn your child hasn’t been invited but this particular child wasn't singled out as the only child there was others in the class my child chose not to invite based on their friendships. Its always awkward when numbers are limited. Had it been at soft play with high numbers everyone would have been invited but my child wanted this particular party.
Seeing the social media post has shocked me as to comments on there are pretty vile given the facts of the story were false, im wondering AIBU or has the mother been upset and used her anger and her child with SEN for attention and social media likes.

You're clinging to that point, but in fact no-one is arguing about that.

I haven't seen many posts that said the child ought to have been invited. What most people are saying is that you don't pointedly exclude.

Of course not. That’s not what I’m saying at all. But some people are accepting of disability when it has no impact on them, as soon as it does no inclusivity not acceptance no compassion. Just exclusion and classed as bad people. What about the three other children who haven’t got send and haven’t hurt this child they have also been left out. She’s just happy to use this child SEN to justify her leaving him out all because she has been called out on someone’s facebook. Behaviour is communication. This child’s behaviour will be impacted due to his SEN. So she has excluded him because of his SEN.

What about them? OP's child has other friends from outside of the class including a best friend who they wanted to invite more. You can't get invited to every party, that's just the way it is.

You can be accepting of disability but also draw a line when it comes to your child getting hurt.

she doesn’t have to invite that child. She could have lowered the % of kids in the class and told her child to only pick 7. She had plenty of other kids coming too and then no one is being left out as the invited/not invited groups are equal.

How do you know 100% that it was your party she was talking about?

How is that fair on the 2 kids now not going just because it makes the percentage "fair"?

People saying that you should have cut the numbers

Excluding her actual friends and upsetting them? That's not cruel?

Exactly.

There were only 6 boys in DS's primary class.

After a few years together, he hated a couple of them.

No way was I ruining his birthday parties by inviting kids he has murders with daily just so Mum didn't throw a paddy and start gobbing off on socials!

Sometimes kids miss out and they need to get over it.

A little life lesson in treating people nicely on the day to day, perhaps?

The op won’t be back. I would never let a child invite 10 and leave 4 out. This one’s even worse as they invited more, just from other year levels. So they really really wanted to leave those 4 out. Part of parenting is bringing your child up to recognise people around them matter, and the op isn’t doing this.

Sen kids aren’t usually intentionally treating others badly. It doesn’t mean you can’t protect your kids from it, but you certainly should be adamant they aren’t maliciously hurting people.

To leave 4 children out was cruel, what that will have done to those children is more than dreadfully unkind. How would yr child have felt if circumstances had been reversed, and he was the one left out?

Yes it was yr child’s party, but it was on you to guide and take the opportunity for him to learn about kindness and inclusion.

That seems to be exactly what Notyourregularmom was arguing in the post SouthLondonMum22 was responding to.

@Notyourregularmom
But hey let’s just hope none of the four excluded have a party at some point and your sons the only one left out because they don’t want to invite him and their parents support their decision.

Why would this be a problem? Surely you just remind DC that they don't even like the party child that much and ask why they would expect to be invited. I'm not saying they won't still be disappointed, but it's a life lesson and a great opportunity to teach how to deal with FOMO (a lesson it seems a lot of adults should have spent more time on as kids). I've had two kids go through school with several experiences like this and it's really not a huge deal unless you make it into one. If they thought they were good friends with the party child, it's a lot harder, but still an opportunity to promote resilience and how to deal with friends who aren't.

I don’t really care if the kid has a SEN (excuse) or not - if the child is deliberately hurting others and is disruptive and just not very nice then it’s not fair on your child to have to accept that at their birthday party. Sometimes in life they should have the choice not to have to be around others like that since they have no choice about having to go to school alongside them

Because this is how we learn that not everything - even a birthday party - is just all about us. To live in a genuine community, we have to consider the feelings of others, even those we don't like.

Everyone's focussed on the child who hurts other children, but what about the other three? What did they do wrong to be excluded? Perhaps they were simply unpopular.

This thread seems to be divided between the mothers who would happily exclude just a few children from the class on the grounds that their child should have whatever they want on their birthday, and the mothers who wouldn't do that, usually because they've seen the effect of such exclusion on a child.

In that scenario I would have gone for less than half the class.

The ratio's not irrelevant... inviting 10 out of 14 is obviously going to cause those 4 to feel left out.

The social media post is ridiculous, but then it must be very difficult to be the parent of a child with SEN who struggles with friendships etc. I can see how they would feel sensitive about being left out. Obviously doesn't excuse that response, but I do empathise.

This is a very good point. If the DC is part of a group of 10 friends at school but only invited 7 to the party, 3 have been excluded. That’s worse than the 4 from 14 in the class because they’re actually supposed to be DC’s friends.

Your child made their choice. They didn’t want a child who has been violent and who uses foul language. How is this behaviour tolerated in school? The mother needs to discipline her misbehaving child.

Well of course, but being a very public shit stirrer would not endear SEN DC's mum to anyone. This is probably why no one invites her kid anywhere.

This is on them, not you. Your child wanted a specific party, limited numbers and as it's their birthday, they get to pick who they want there. It really is that simple. As a parent our job is to help kids navigate disappointment, enable their resilience and prepare them for adulthood. This is not cool. I'd be embarrassed if that were me. Making a total show of herself.

how we learn that not everything - even a birthday party - is just all about us

Fine to teach this lesson to a confident and popular child if it is something they need to learn.
Not fine to teach this lesson to a shy and less popular child, especially a girl. If she is taught never to be 'selfish', never to put herself first, you are raising a doormat who will get into no end of unhealthy relationships.

(not relevant to the party OP, just a general observation).

I disagree about resilience. At this age group they are not aware of how cruel their words are. My daughter didn't make the cut for a party at class. The party girl wanted her to go but clearly not enough spaces so no fault of my daughters. The invites were handed out in front of her and she was teased all day by the others when she didn't get one. She cried alot. I don't think that situation helped her resilience but it knocked her fragile self worth. I told her the parents couldn't afford to invite everyone and it was a hard choice for the party girl. In the adult world we atleast keep invites private and don't tease each other when exclusions happen. As adults we should manage and limit situations like this. We should be teaching empathy and kindness and inclusion. 10 out of 14 was a bad idea and it should have been 50% or less going. I imagine the sen mum has experienced lots of exclusion prior and it was just this occassion that tipped her over the edge. She is the one left to mop up other peoples bad judgement and 10 out of 14 is a tough one to explain.

still have to be taught the principle of basic values such as 'understanding', 'compassion', 'inclusion' and 'kindness'.

Inclusion is not a moral absolute. It is not in the category of virtues such as compassion and kindness.
What about the basic values of self-protection, freedom of choice, strong boundaries, and discernment?

There is no moral imperative to be 'inclusive'. That is a policy, not a virtue.
Kindness in this case would mean not teasing or taunting the child you chose not to invite, but instead being tactful and discreet. Kindness does not compel you to invite them.

You can have understanding and compassion for the individual with SEN, but still choose to exclude them for the benefit of yourself and the people around you. This is not wrong.