AIBU to think there is mutual attraction with a married friend?

[Watermelon44]

Posting to see if anyone else has been in the same position, for context we are both married and in late 40’s with adult/older teen dc.

We have known each other through our children being friends for over 6;years now and our lives overlap a fair bit naturally, although less so now the kids are older.

We used to meet up as friends for drinks or walks regularly a few years ago a few times a week when our kids were doing training for their sport, sometimes in a group, sometimes 1-1 but purely platonically.

There has never been anything physical or anything inappropriate like flirting. About 4 years ago I started sensing a mutual attraction/charged atmosphere when we met up 1-1 although nothing was ever communicated or discussed.

After this I backed off from 1-1 meetings and kept it mainly group settings and everything settled down. Before this, we talked a lot about our upbringings, uni, careers etc and actually had a huge amount in common and just seemed very comfortable in each others company, like we’d known each other for years and I just found him enjoyable company. We did have slightly deeper chats sometimes about childhood stuff which I stopped when I backed off.

i would be lying if I said I didn’t find him attractive physically, but the personality compatibility was the main pull and he became one of my closest friends. When I backed off I did miss him, but that feeling settled down.

Fast forward a couple of years and our paths have crossed again over the summer. A few times instigated by him, a few coincidentally. It is mainly through the shared sport but also as my husband is friends with him, so impossible to avoid. We have met up this time mainly in family groups (not 1-1) about 5-6 times. He seems keen to meet up and possibly a bit lonely.

The chemistry is back with a vengeance, I have no idea if it’s mutual or all in my head, but we keep catching each other’s eyes and it makes me feel weird. He is very chatty and smiley to me but nothing inappropriate. My feelings are mostly linked to his body language and eye contact, but also the way the conversation steers towards little things we have talked about in the past, which I’m amazed he’s remembered.

it is occupying a lot of my time, and driving me a bit crazy trying to make sense of if there is mutual attraction or if I am imagining the whole thing. I have no idea what to do about it, obviously I can’t just ask him and I can’t step back any more!

Does it matter either way? If you wouldn't act on it then just carry on doing what you are doing and think about other things. All this analysis is just fanning the flames.

This way madness lies. Are you unhappy with your husband? If you are, you need to end that first before considering anything else. You are risking so much for a nebulous maybe feeling that could easily be nothing

If you aren't happy with your husband, something is missing nonetheless. Seeking out whatever is missing with someone else will implode all of your lives. Can you work out what is missing and resolve with your husband?

Actually you can step back. There's no happy ending any other way.

You are indulging yourself with daydreams and playing with fire.

How would you feel if your DH was doing the same about this man’s wife?

He probably does fancy you. I would advise trying to keep away now before things get worse.

It doesn’t matter either way really so pointless over analysing this. You’re both married so it can’t go anywhere. I’d put it to bed and cut him out if you’re unable to see past the attraction. Pointless risking two marriages unless you’re both absolutely miserable and really want that. Even if that’s the case, I don’t recommend leaving a marriage for someone else.

When you know, you know. But are you prepared to blow up your life, and his, plus the families involved? Plus being poorer, risking contact with your kids, people gossiping etc. Or stay "good" and never know what it could have been. Very hard either way!

It’s likely to be stay good and never know….

It’s pretty difficult to ignore a feeling. It came out of nowhere at a social occasion we were at with our families.

I wasn’t looking for it or expecting it after him not occupying my thoughts for a couple of years.

We caught eyes, I had an intense feeling, couldn’t help it, wondered if mutual or just me.

I think most of us can relate to that!

I have stepped back as much as I can without people noticing, he has instigated a few group meetings which people would notice and ask difficult questions if I didn’t go

You can’t help having these feelings but you can absolutely help acting on them!

Yes, actually really missed him as a friend though because we really gelled but impossible to have that without increasing these feelings!

It's normal to be attracted to other people. You think that stops when you get into a relationship? We all experience it and we all just accept it for what it is.

If you and your partner are in a monogomous relationship then you are both saying you are not going to act of those attractions to other people. That's all.

Perhaps deep down I want to acknowledge it between us rather than carry it all on my own.

I had what I guess could be referred to as an EA with a married colleague a couple of years back. He left to return to his home country before it developed into anything else but yes, these things can and do happen in life and it’s hard. You just have to question whether it’s worth blowing your marriage up over really.

No

Either he doesn’t feel the same way and you will be humiliated, and he’ll tell his wife and all the women in the group will despise you.

Or

He feels the same way and you have already betrayed your husband and are on the road to wrecking your children’s lives.

If you do that, you're making it much harder to not act on it. Almost impossible I would say.

You’re married. That should be the start and end of it. You should not have contact with this man if doing so is bringing up inappropriate feelings. Far too many families have been destroyed by infidelity, which hurts kids no matter how old they are.

Just don't. It won't end well because you are probably right and it is mutual, but just leave it there as a bit of a buzz and that's it.

How do think affairs start OP? Exactly how you describe your situation. Once there is acknowledgement that feelings are mutual, it becomes almost impossible not to act in it.

So you don't seek it. You leave it as it is until your paths go separately again.

This is much deeper than just attraction. Obviously I am attracted to other people but not like this and that doesn’t impact me

You'd still be carrying it on your own. How's it going to be easier if you have a conversation agreeing you both want to start shagging? How will you support each other through that and stay on the right side of it?

Ever wondered how affairs start, OP? This is how.

What's happening in your marriage or life that's making you susceptible to this?

Your fawning about like a teenager. Grow up. You're married, why do you even care about this randomer. You write about him like some cringey romance novel

Do you love/care about your husband. Do you want your marriage to continue? Are you prepared to work at your marriage? If yes, then do not announce your feelings to this man. If no, then end your marriage and THEN announce your feelings. Unless you want to behave in a deceitful way then these are your options.