AIBU to think there is mutual attraction with a married friend?

[Watermelon44]

Posting to see if anyone else has been in the same position, for context we are both married and in late 40’s with adult/older teen dc.

We have known each other through our children being friends for over 6;years now and our lives overlap a fair bit naturally, although less so now the kids are older.

We used to meet up as friends for drinks or walks regularly a few years ago a few times a week when our kids were doing training for their sport, sometimes in a group, sometimes 1-1 but purely platonically.

There has never been anything physical or anything inappropriate like flirting. About 4 years ago I started sensing a mutual attraction/charged atmosphere when we met up 1-1 although nothing was ever communicated or discussed.

After this I backed off from 1-1 meetings and kept it mainly group settings and everything settled down. Before this, we talked a lot about our upbringings, uni, careers etc and actually had a huge amount in common and just seemed very comfortable in each others company, like we’d known each other for years and I just found him enjoyable company. We did have slightly deeper chats sometimes about childhood stuff which I stopped when I backed off.

i would be lying if I said I didn’t find him attractive physically, but the personality compatibility was the main pull and he became one of my closest friends. When I backed off I did miss him, but that feeling settled down.

Fast forward a couple of years and our paths have crossed again over the summer. A few times instigated by him, a few coincidentally. It is mainly through the shared sport but also as my husband is friends with him, so impossible to avoid. We have met up this time mainly in family groups (not 1-1) about 5-6 times. He seems keen to meet up and possibly a bit lonely.

The chemistry is back with a vengeance, I have no idea if it’s mutual or all in my head, but we keep catching each other’s eyes and it makes me feel weird. He is very chatty and smiley to me but nothing inappropriate. My feelings are mostly linked to his body language and eye contact, but also the way the conversation steers towards little things we have talked about in the past, which I’m amazed he’s remembered.

it is occupying a lot of my time, and driving me a bit crazy trying to make sense of if there is mutual attraction or if I am imagining the whole thing. I have no idea what to do about it, obviously I can’t just ask him and I can’t step back any more!

Ask your husband, see what he thinks.

probably not act on it.
Let me tell you a story about my life.
I had a crush on a married man. I even indulged it by posting on here. I dressed up on nights out with work. It consumed me.
My ex H picked up on the altered vibe and thought I was attracted (to someone else we both knew) for what it's worth. Ex H left me out of the blue as he felt unloved and then said he'd lost all love for me.
I was blindsided
Don't be me.
I'm with someone else completely now.

But I still regret that fixation I had with this other married man at the time. Can't see it now at all. In fact I have not seen the guy for years.
Divorce is utterly horrific. Especially if you didn't want it.

I'd ask yourself why you want to know if he's attracted to you, and be really honest with yourself. Do you want the ego boost? Do you think there's part of you that would be inclined to act on it if he said yes? And then maybe think about what the honest answer says about your relationship with your husband.

Next thing you know it’ll be ‘it just happened’… stop looking for validation and focus on your husband.

And the point of your post is
A..do you want permission to start an affair or
B..blow your life up and start an affair and both leave your current partners

Its ok to fancy someone else but dont blow your life up

Why does it matter?

Are you willing to blow up the lives of two families for chemistry?

Or are you both in dead marriages and willing to act with integrity and decency and end them before doing anything about the chemistry?

If the chemistry fizzled out would you be ok with the fact you'd ended your marriage for it?

He fancies you.
But, I think deep down you know that and simply would like the opportunity to talk about him.
so your options are - have an affair, just be a bit flirty still and it will probably fizzle out, or back off.
its perfectly normal to have the odd crush and personally theres nothing wrong with that - adds a bit of excitement. But you need to try to stop it developing into anything wirh more meaning, for you or for both of you. That way madness lies.

Good. That's for the best.

X

Sometimes in life this happens, both single (I think) so slightly different but it happened to me recently, out of nowhere with someone, intense prolonged eye contact triggered a right little crush I don’t know if they felt it but I let it just pan out avoided them for a while and now they’re just someone who I find attractive now nothing more.

put your efforts into your husband this guy you have no idea what he’s like to live with, be with ect.

His attraction to you or otherwise is irrelevant.

If you are unhappy in your relationship end it. If you are happy then respect your relationship and stop entertaining these thoughts/daydreams.

No-one on mumsnet can tell you the answer to this. I guess you're looking for encouragement like 'why don't you ask him' type thing. But that's tantamount to avoiding responsibility for your decisions. If you ask him one thing could lead to another, which is what you want, I assume.

It's like when people use the excuse of being drunk for doing something, when they'd got drunk in order to be in a state where they could make careless decisions. If you want an affair, at least be honest with yourself. If you ask him, this is at least a possibility so be honest that by asking him, this is what you are encouraging.

Be for real. The only reason you'd want to know for certain if he's attracted to you is if wanted to take a step closer to a physical relationship with this man. Slightly bored middle aged people start affairs this way all the time.

Why do you need to know if the attraction is mutual? Is it just for the ego boost? Or would you contemplate having an affair if you knew he felt the same way?
Nothing good can come from having that conversation with him.
If feel something is lacking in your marriage then you need to work on that first before opening a dangerous can of worms.
My advice would be to keep your distance as much as you can and only meet in group settings. Also, don't get sucked into exchanging private messages with him; only communicate via group chats.
I know it's hard to ignore a strong attraction to someone but you really need to try if you don't want to put your marriage at risk.

Hopefully not as difficult as "do you want to sign these divorce papers?"

If you're single and they're single why did you avoid them?

<nosy>

What you have to ask yourself is if there is mutual attraction would you act on it? If no, then treat as a crush and irrelevant. Carry on but being clearly platonic and aim to always be with DH or as a group.

If yes, then you know the drill and what is at stake.

sometimes it’s just nice to be admired.

You’re playing with fire, but this thread is just you asking permission to crack on with wherever this may lead.

Why tf are you entertaining this and building it up in your head? Is your marriage on the rocks already or have you just decided you’ve spotted a chance to drive it there?

He’d probably shag you. Why don’t you ask him?

It's all about you, not your husband, your children, his wife, his children, your wider families, your friendships, your social circle.

If you are not happy leave your marriage and your family and live on your own. You can them give him the opportunity to do likewise.

How long do you think it will be before others start noticing your behaviour if you continue as you do now?

Some people overreact to this in two ways that are more connected than you think - whether you're judging people for fancying someone outside of their marriage as a moral failure or whether it's you and you think what you and Dave from Accounts is cosmic and unusually special, you're still acting like this is some rare event. It isn't! It's really normal.

LOADS of people have developed feelings outside their marriage. The trick is not to act on it. I've got one. He's a good friend. We're never in a million zillion years going to act on it. And we don't need to acknowledge it because I think nonverbal communication is quite effective and we are already on the same page - namely that it would be really destructive, so it has to stay as a "well, yeah, if we'd met and circumstances were different" type thing.

This is helpful actually

Yes I think this is where it is with us to be honest, I think the non verbal communication is clear enough and neither of us would be keen to affect our children in a negative way.

You need to completely forget about this man. You are playing with fire. Have as little to do with him as possible. You are both married with kids and if you carry on with this, you are going to blow up two families and create a nuclear bomb of hurt that will affect you for the rest of your life and everyone else's lives, too. For what? A fleeting attraction? A bit of lust soon spent? I cannot stress enough how utterly stupid you're being.

You can act all doe eyed and innocent all you like. You know it's wrong