AIBU to think there is mutual attraction with a married friend?

[Watermelon44]

Posting to see if anyone else has been in the same position, for context we are both married and in late 40’s with adult/older teen dc.

We have known each other through our children being friends for over 6;years now and our lives overlap a fair bit naturally, although less so now the kids are older.

We used to meet up as friends for drinks or walks regularly a few years ago a few times a week when our kids were doing training for their sport, sometimes in a group, sometimes 1-1 but purely platonically.

There has never been anything physical or anything inappropriate like flirting. About 4 years ago I started sensing a mutual attraction/charged atmosphere when we met up 1-1 although nothing was ever communicated or discussed.

After this I backed off from 1-1 meetings and kept it mainly group settings and everything settled down. Before this, we talked a lot about our upbringings, uni, careers etc and actually had a huge amount in common and just seemed very comfortable in each others company, like we’d known each other for years and I just found him enjoyable company. We did have slightly deeper chats sometimes about childhood stuff which I stopped when I backed off.

i would be lying if I said I didn’t find him attractive physically, but the personality compatibility was the main pull and he became one of my closest friends. When I backed off I did miss him, but that feeling settled down.

Fast forward a couple of years and our paths have crossed again over the summer. A few times instigated by him, a few coincidentally. It is mainly through the shared sport but also as my husband is friends with him, so impossible to avoid. We have met up this time mainly in family groups (not 1-1) about 5-6 times. He seems keen to meet up and possibly a bit lonely.

The chemistry is back with a vengeance, I have no idea if it’s mutual or all in my head, but we keep catching each other’s eyes and it makes me feel weird. He is very chatty and smiley to me but nothing inappropriate. My feelings are mostly linked to his body language and eye contact, but also the way the conversation steers towards little things we have talked about in the past, which I’m amazed he’s remembered.

it is occupying a lot of my time, and driving me a bit crazy trying to make sense of if there is mutual attraction or if I am imagining the whole thing. I have no idea what to do about it, obviously I can’t just ask him and I can’t step back any more!

Is that first paragraph you quoting some poem I should know, or did you just write it. It's the best summary of this very common situation I have seen written.

Are you sure you’re pretty good at self control? ‘You can’t ignore feelings’ well yes you can actually. I think mutually agreeing you’re attracted to each other is a recipe for disaster, unless you do actually want to blow up your marriage.

The posts are saying an affair will impact on their children's lives, not ending the marriage. Affairs involve deceit and complicity in dishonesty which seeps into the dynamics of family life. It has a huge impact on children when they realise a parent lied to their other parent, lied to create time and opportunities away from the family to carry on the affair, socialised with an affair partner with 'their' secret. Making fools of everyone. Then seeing the hurt and chaos of separation as a consequence. This really does have huge impacts on children. This is her husband's friend who she will be seeing socially in a group. How does that make people feel when they find out. How much bitterness and hurt is that brining into the family, children included.
Completely different to their parents sitting down and telling them their relationship isn't making them happy and they are separating. Children can deal with that OK.

If you are attracted to this man and not happy with your husband, then you are playing with fire by maintaining contact. You absolutely could back off more, you don’t want to.

I understand this as had a similar situation when I was married to my first husband (that I didn’t act on, but it was the catalyst to make me realise how unhappy I was at home if I was contemplating relationships with other people).

The fact is if you’re happy at home, you’re not thinking about other people. Fancying yes, but not what you’re describing.

The fact that you’re more concerned with whether or not this bloke fancies you back than you seem to be about your marriage is telling. Focus on that first.