AIBU to think there is mutual attraction with a married friend?

[Watermelon44]

Posting to see if anyone else has been in the same position, for context we are both married and in late 40’s with adult/older teen dc.

We have known each other through our children being friends for over 6;years now and our lives overlap a fair bit naturally, although less so now the kids are older.

We used to meet up as friends for drinks or walks regularly a few years ago a few times a week when our kids were doing training for their sport, sometimes in a group, sometimes 1-1 but purely platonically.

There has never been anything physical or anything inappropriate like flirting. About 4 years ago I started sensing a mutual attraction/charged atmosphere when we met up 1-1 although nothing was ever communicated or discussed.

After this I backed off from 1-1 meetings and kept it mainly group settings and everything settled down. Before this, we talked a lot about our upbringings, uni, careers etc and actually had a huge amount in common and just seemed very comfortable in each others company, like we’d known each other for years and I just found him enjoyable company. We did have slightly deeper chats sometimes about childhood stuff which I stopped when I backed off.

i would be lying if I said I didn’t find him attractive physically, but the personality compatibility was the main pull and he became one of my closest friends. When I backed off I did miss him, but that feeling settled down.

Fast forward a couple of years and our paths have crossed again over the summer. A few times instigated by him, a few coincidentally. It is mainly through the shared sport but also as my husband is friends with him, so impossible to avoid. We have met up this time mainly in family groups (not 1-1) about 5-6 times. He seems keen to meet up and possibly a bit lonely.

The chemistry is back with a vengeance, I have no idea if it’s mutual or all in my head, but we keep catching each other’s eyes and it makes me feel weird. He is very chatty and smiley to me but nothing inappropriate. My feelings are mostly linked to his body language and eye contact, but also the way the conversation steers towards little things we have talked about in the past, which I’m amazed he’s remembered.

it is occupying a lot of my time, and driving me a bit crazy trying to make sense of if there is mutual attraction or if I am imagining the whole thing. I have no idea what to do about it, obviously I can’t just ask him and I can’t step back any more!

You are playing with fire. Its very easy to slip over the line from speculation to fantasy to flirtation to testing the waters to imploding lives. Get a grip.

You have convinced yourself this is "deep" and not just "attraction" like no one entering an affair has ever thought this before 🙄

You’re both flattered by the attraction and the attention from each other, but those aren’t grounds for blowing up two families. If you had an affair then you’d create devastation in the lives around you, your children, your parents, your siblings, that would kill any feelings for him stone dead. It just isn’t worth it.
Imagine him having a shit and you walking into the bathroom after him, imagine him flinging his wet towel on the floor after a shower, those are all real parts of him too, not just the perfect image he’s projecting in short bursts.

How would you feel if he said he fancies you like mad? How would you feel if he denies anything and says it friendzone only? What is it you want from a married mad who’s friends with your husband?

You're married. He's married. End of story.

Don't let it become fantasy in your head. Don't entertain any thought of it.

Do not destroy the lives of your children, his children and your partners because of some need to ease the boredom of your life - get a hobby instead.

‘Carrying it all on my own’. For heaven’s sake. It’s a crush. It’s not exactly a crushing weight. Get a grip and grow up, you sound 15.

This is how affairs start OP. Ask yourself if you want to cause an awful amount of pain to your husband, your children, his wife and his children - because that's where you're heading.

If you have to see him at group events, stop with the lingering looks and private chats and treat him with a polite distance. But your best bet is to gradually fade out of the activity that is bringing you together.

Get a fucking grip. Do you want to blow up your family?

You are either unhappy with your husband and need to separate and focus on your children or stop behaving like a love sick teenager.

Why though? The only thing that'll do is blow up your marriage and potentially his.

You need to stop and consider is this a silly crush or are you u happy / settling in your current marriage. Irrespective of whether you act on this or not, your husband deserves a wife who is fully present in your marriage.

Put down the Mills and Boon!
Work on your marriage. If that's not going anywhere, then have the respect to your hubby to end things before you go looking. That's what someone with decency would have.

I doubt this bloke who you have a crush on would blow up his marriage, prob just wants a shag, if it's no all one-sided attraction anyway.

Is there something lacking in your marriage for you to give this man so much attention?

It's not. It's really, really not. It's just nature's way and this is why thousands of people cheat on their partners. If it was that rare, it wouldn't be happening to so many other people would it. You're not loves young dream, I promise you.

Then let them notice and ask their difficult questions! People have survived worse. Come up with excuses. Join a bell ringing or knitting group or something, find new circles and new things to do.

Or act on the attraction and watch the drama unfold on multiple lives. Totally up to you.

It’s not appropriate and you know that OP.

He will be loving the ego massage you’re giving him with the attention, do you really want to risk your marriage for the sake of someone’s else’s ego trip?

As others have said upthread, imagine if it was your husband entertaining this prospect and the harm it would do. Do what is right and pull back. Lighting the match burns everyone down.

Be careful. My sister hasn't spoken to our mum for over 35 years because she had an affair.

Being harsh, grow the fuck up. It's a crush and is symptomatic of something lacking somewhere in your life. He is not the answer. You will destroy lives by "not wanting to carry this on your own"

Bur sure, carry on and wreak havoc, embarrass yourself, cause immense pain to two families because "feelings"

This is how teenagers behave and you need to get the fuck over yourself.

He is your husbands friend now nd your listing after him
Ick

Oh deary deary me. Nothing wrong with having these sorts of feelings but what to do about them. If your marriage is good then nothing.

Look up “limerance”

OP, whatever you're thinking of, just don't do it. Maybe it'll feel good for a bit (maybe, or it might turn out to come up a total turd once you actually make it reality) but it will cause a world of pain to people who don't deserve it that lasts much longer than whatever this thing you're making up would do. How many people do this kind of thing and 20 years later are so glad they did and encourage others to do the same?

If something is wrong with your marriage, look at that. What's actually wrong there that you're looking elsewhere?

Do not make any plans until you sleep with him first. If he is substandard in the bedroom you will probably get over it pretty quickly. If he's great then go for it I say!

You want permission to shag him. Go ahead but no good will come of it whatsoever.
You won't be the first or last person to have their head turned by someone else but if you've got any sense or respect you don't go there. Value what you have.
You'll just have to live with it tough.

I agree with the poster that said how would you like it if your husband was posting this?

The admission of feelings is a well documented step into an affair.

If there really are lingering looks this man is no friend to either of you. Who needs friends like that.

In case anyone needed to be told, don't take this poster seriously. He's on other threads too. He's put more thought into the character than they usually do these days and probably does deserve a bit of kudos for that, but it's not at the point where we should feed it.

To be brutally honest this is you starting to justify taking this further. How can any of us know whether he fancies you? It sounds like it, but that’s based on what you have told us. You starting a thread is a variation on mentionitis. You can wax lyrical about the attraction, all you have in common, never felt like this etc whilst also explaining why you can’t pull back. You can by the way, if other folk comment so what? If you need to invent a reason do so. Better still tell your DH you’ve got a bit of a crush, laugh about it and bring it out in the open. Far easier to stop contact for a while. All of this is possible. Not easy, not exciting, but doable if you want to .

Alternatively crack on. Have an affair with your DH’s pal, and member of a friend group. It’s bound to end well after all. I am not moralising here just suggesting that you’re honest with yourself, as opposed to thinking you’re a victim of fate, and uncontrollable passion.

As an aside, it’s possible he has form for this, so that’s something to consider too.