AIBU to think there is mutual attraction with a married friend?

[Watermelon44]

Posting to see if anyone else has been in the same position, for context we are both married and in late 40’s with adult/older teen dc.

We have known each other through our children being friends for over 6;years now and our lives overlap a fair bit naturally, although less so now the kids are older.

We used to meet up as friends for drinks or walks regularly a few years ago a few times a week when our kids were doing training for their sport, sometimes in a group, sometimes 1-1 but purely platonically.

There has never been anything physical or anything inappropriate like flirting. About 4 years ago I started sensing a mutual attraction/charged atmosphere when we met up 1-1 although nothing was ever communicated or discussed.

After this I backed off from 1-1 meetings and kept it mainly group settings and everything settled down. Before this, we talked a lot about our upbringings, uni, careers etc and actually had a huge amount in common and just seemed very comfortable in each others company, like we’d known each other for years and I just found him enjoyable company. We did have slightly deeper chats sometimes about childhood stuff which I stopped when I backed off.

i would be lying if I said I didn’t find him attractive physically, but the personality compatibility was the main pull and he became one of my closest friends. When I backed off I did miss him, but that feeling settled down.

Fast forward a couple of years and our paths have crossed again over the summer. A few times instigated by him, a few coincidentally. It is mainly through the shared sport but also as my husband is friends with him, so impossible to avoid. We have met up this time mainly in family groups (not 1-1) about 5-6 times. He seems keen to meet up and possibly a bit lonely.

The chemistry is back with a vengeance, I have no idea if it’s mutual or all in my head, but we keep catching each other’s eyes and it makes me feel weird. He is very chatty and smiley to me but nothing inappropriate. My feelings are mostly linked to his body language and eye contact, but also the way the conversation steers towards little things we have talked about in the past, which I’m amazed he’s remembered.

it is occupying a lot of my time, and driving me a bit crazy trying to make sense of if there is mutual attraction or if I am imagining the whole thing. I have no idea what to do about it, obviously I can’t just ask him and I can’t step back any more!

I mean if you want to totally fuck up your life OP then crack on.

I think this is the key to it isn’t it. If your marriage isn’t great and your husband seems unbothered then your head turns more easily. Personally, I’d had said more about this at the beginning of the thread to give more context. But your husband seems to be playing a dangerous game.

Strongly suggest you drop it and take up different interests.

It’s not necessarily a big problem in the marriage that’s causing this though. The OP has been with her DH for 25 years - the snoring and grumpy middle aged man thing is pretty common, let’s be honest!

When I was in a similar situation to the OP I don’t think it was rooted in terrible relationship dissatisfaction. I wasn’t unhappy, but of course the thrill of a new attraction feels very different to day to day life with your partner of decades. In my own experience, it absolutely blindsided me - and it did feel like it was all coming from me, if that makes sense? Not the fault of my marriage or my DH (who never knew anything about it, thank god!)

The point is, it will pass.

You're married, he's married so you don"t go there. End of.

We're taught menopause / perimenopause = lack of sex drive but it can do quite the opposite and make you irrationally horny. Coupled with a DH who's turning into an old man and is a bit of an arse, can't really blame you for having a few spicy day dreams about a man who you find attractive, you have a lot in common with and who seems to genuinely want to spend time with you.

For god's sake don't ask the dude if he feels the same though, I get that your hormones are making you feel like the protagonist in a Judy Bloom novel but you're 40 odd so you're not. Stop it.

I don't think it sounded like boredom from the mundane. To me it sounded like her husband is thoughtless and mean spirited and doesn't treat her well.

That's a good idea @Shloopie, it's easy to dismiss snoring as minor when you haven't heard it yourself. It's horrible for partners.

Yes and made him download an app. He won’t use the app now because he won’t pay for it. He won’t go downstairs and we have no spare room.

I have stepped right back and only see him in groups, I don’t instigate chats 1-1, I stay with others. He talks to me specifically in a group and we have accidentally had locked eyes

This is where my head goes when I worry about coming across like this accidentally

why? because you want the flattery of knowing someone elss fancies you? because you want the frisson of the forbidden?

ask yourself how else you could deliver some excitement into your life without cheating

😂

Most likely yes

Actually I have a few interests and other (female) friends so I am not sat pining for him.

Yes good advice thanks

To be fair my dh knows we have had a close friendship over the years, when I have met him over the past years I have always been open about seeing him and what we’ve talked about.

No, I’ve met her a few times but she doesn’t ever come to any of the social gatherings and if she drives the kids she sits in the car.

I obviously know his kids well which is what would stop me pursuing anything with him beyond friendship.

I think that the word for this situation is limerence.
To get rid of limerence, you must break the cycle of obsessive thoughts by cutting off contact, stopping daydreams, and shifting your focus back to yourself. Limerence is an addiction to a fantasy and to the uncertainty of a person's affection, not real love

He sounds like a prick. Giving his mate’s wife the glad eye. Doesn’t bring his wife out for social evenings with other couples. Doesn’t bode well. Any of this.

This is very sensible advice to the OP.

I'm married, I've fancied other men - and I've had married men tell me they fancy me in the past (though I've always shut it down).

Part of being married is that you shut down these things, even if you really like someone, because you love your partner more.

So I don't think it really matters whether he feels the same way or not OP. You need to start avoiding him again.

You write this like you need to avoid him because of his feelings but if ive read this right youre family friends with shared interests and hes caught your eye and been smiley?

And from that YOU have a feeling.

He hasnt flirted, said anything, done anything... and you dont want to have an affair with him so why does it matter if he feels a spark or not?

Because i promise you if he revealed a spark you wouldnt let this go. Its already such a non thing you could let it go but youre analysing his body language and pulling away and then seeing him and in your head its all intense. And he may just not have noticed. Which should be good but you wont see it that way. Or he might like you and then youre playing with fire.

You need to let this fantasy go

Tread very carefully. If you speak to this other man about your feelings and you are right, this could end up as a full blown affair.
I too experienced something similar, confessed to the person and it ultimately ended my marriage and the mutual friendships we held between us. It was a mess. Be very careful

You're bored in your marriage, you're hitting perimenopause so hormones are rollicking, and you're attracted to this guy.

Thinking about him so much just reinforces those neural pathways you've set up. You saying you want to know if he's attracted to you is a way of rationalizing pursuing this. You need to break this habit, not take it further.

Don't say anything. Stop ruminating about your attraction. Grey rock him, avoid seeing him. If he sets up situations, don't go. Find other things to do and people to see.

Your husband should be seen by a GP and assessed for sleep apnea. Tell him it's time to get a big life insurance policy because you want to be a rich widow since he won't take care of his health. 😛

This