AIBU to think there is mutual attraction with a married friend?

[Watermelon44]

Posting to see if anyone else has been in the same position, for context we are both married and in late 40’s with adult/older teen dc.

We have known each other through our children being friends for over 6;years now and our lives overlap a fair bit naturally, although less so now the kids are older.

We used to meet up as friends for drinks or walks regularly a few years ago a few times a week when our kids were doing training for their sport, sometimes in a group, sometimes 1-1 but purely platonically.

There has never been anything physical or anything inappropriate like flirting. About 4 years ago I started sensing a mutual attraction/charged atmosphere when we met up 1-1 although nothing was ever communicated or discussed.

After this I backed off from 1-1 meetings and kept it mainly group settings and everything settled down. Before this, we talked a lot about our upbringings, uni, careers etc and actually had a huge amount in common and just seemed very comfortable in each others company, like we’d known each other for years and I just found him enjoyable company. We did have slightly deeper chats sometimes about childhood stuff which I stopped when I backed off.

i would be lying if I said I didn’t find him attractive physically, but the personality compatibility was the main pull and he became one of my closest friends. When I backed off I did miss him, but that feeling settled down.

Fast forward a couple of years and our paths have crossed again over the summer. A few times instigated by him, a few coincidentally. It is mainly through the shared sport but also as my husband is friends with him, so impossible to avoid. We have met up this time mainly in family groups (not 1-1) about 5-6 times. He seems keen to meet up and possibly a bit lonely.

The chemistry is back with a vengeance, I have no idea if it’s mutual or all in my head, but we keep catching each other’s eyes and it makes me feel weird. He is very chatty and smiley to me but nothing inappropriate. My feelings are mostly linked to his body language and eye contact, but also the way the conversation steers towards little things we have talked about in the past, which I’m amazed he’s remembered.

it is occupying a lot of my time, and driving me a bit crazy trying to make sense of if there is mutual attraction or if I am imagining the whole thing. I have no idea what to do about it, obviously I can’t just ask him and I can’t step back any more!

You sound half infatuated teenage girl and half just a raging wannabe cheater who just wants to get their leg over.

Do your DH a favour and set him free.

And FFS leave your friend and his marriage alone!

Selfish.

FFS.
Their may indeed be some attraction between you both but you are both married.
He has made no attempt to further this "relationship "
It appears you are the one longing to extend this friendship.
Indeed you sound like a schoolgirl with a silly crush
It's time to grow up!!!!

It requires imagination when it comes to thinking about the reality of what the future might be like for you and your families, rather than using your imagination to persuade yourself this is some uncontrollable grand romance the likes of which has never been seen before.

It’s remarkable how the most common and tawdry of situations assumes an air of rarity in the minds of the star crossed lovers, so important and special do they imagine themselves to be.

So go ahead, OP. Set your life on fire. It’ll all be the same arguments about taking the bins out in 5 years time.

Or you could just enjoy the feeling of fancying someone and being fancied back and leave it there.

I think affairs are symptomatic of problems in the marriage. Do you feel loved? Respected? Cherished? Fancied? Seen? Do you still find your husband attractive? Do you still respect him?

I came extremely close to having an affair. I didn't but it made me really look at myself and my marriage and end it. I was deeply unhappy and hadn't been admitting it to myself.

So. My point is that if all is rosy in your marriage you would probably not be feeling like this. Deal with your marriage one way or the other.

And all these posters going on about wrecking your children's lives by ending your marriage. What a load of crap. I was pleased my parents got divorced as they were not happy. I'd hate to think that my mum stayed in a relationship she wasn't happy in just for me.

You are indulging it here for a dopamine hit every time someone replies.
Stop this.
Focus on your marriage
Divorce is utterly utterly shit for all involved.
Even more so if infidelity is involved.
Do both families have kids?
If so. Respectfully grow up.

Grow up FGS. This all has such a teenage "divine passion" vibe

Unless you are both willing to throw your lives in the air, and go off together, I'd leave it be. 😉

What does it matter if there is attraction on either or both sides. You shouldn’t be even thinking of going there. Betraying your husband and friend and potentially wrecking 2 families. Throw yourself into your marriage or find a hobby.

Not always for some people it's an ego thing, the thrill of the chase so to speak.

If it's any help, I once had an absolutely raging case of lust for a very good friend's partner. But the more time I spent with her telling me all his bad points and just how shittily he had behaved towards her on occasion, the more it wore off. I had romanticised him based on the fact he was very good looking, unfortunately it really was a case of 'handsome is as handsome does' and by the time all our children had left school and we lost touch, I'd gone right off him.

Catch yourself on, woman!

Ahhh, my favourite - 'friendship' between a man and a with the main pull being personality compatibility.

Strange, but when I went to parks with other female parents, super enjoyable company, massive compatibility pull to such a degree that we went to museums and theatre together - I was never tempted to stick my tongue down their throat....

Off I go back to my XIX century with idiotic ideas that men and women can't be friends.

Sorry, OP, this comment is not for you, but for those MNers who always tell me either to get to fuck or to the century before last.

Only if you want to throw a grenade in your lives

It feels like you want to glamourise this attraction to add some spice to your life. It can be appealing, but it's also dangerous and disloyal to your husband. How would you feel if you came across something he'd written that was the mirror of all you've shared here? Would you not be hurt that he was spending hours daydreaming about another woman and whether or not his attraction to her was mutual? What's the point? You need to decide what you want and fully commit to that. Stop indulging in fantasies, to put it bluntly.

You are attracted to his best self. The reality would ne very different, dont waste your current relationship by overthinking this crush. You were right to create some distance, I would do that as much as is practical. In group settings try and chat to someone else.

You sound really pathetic.

Assuming you're happy in your marriage imo the best thing you can do is enjoy the mutual attraction and channel that energy into your marriage.

The main thing that keeps me on the straight and narrow of married life (apart from the fact I love my dh and he's a good man) is imagining my children finding out I'd had an affair and how they'd lose respect for me.

If you take it further you will fuck up two families, including two sets of children. Would it be worth it?

You need to back off. Yes it’s natural to be attracted to people but you’re expressing g this as so much more.
your options are -
— back off on the grounds that your relationship comes first.

• end your relationship and pursue if this man is available

Yes this I agree with which is why I would probably not act on it. Mainly i just want to know if he is, or if i have manufactured it in my head

But what does it matter if you are happy in your relationship and love your husband? What purpose does knowing whether he has a crush on you or not actually serve other than either egotistical or you might actually consider acting upon it... in which case I'd hope you'd be considerate enough of your husband to not string him along.

Like what do you actually want to achieve?

This can be an effect of menopause/perimenopause as well. A surge of hormones causing ‘crushes’. There is nothing special about this situation and it won’t end well if you pursue it. You do not need to know how he feels - for all you know he might fancy everyone.
take the opportunity to work in your own relationship instead.

I really wouldn't go there OP because if you find out he feels the same attraction it could well escalate from looks, to random touching etc etc and that way adultery lies.

You've kept your distance before OP, you now need to exercise that self restraint again.

It's not easy and you have my sympathy.