AIBU to think there is mutual attraction with a married friend?

[Watermelon44]

Posting to see if anyone else has been in the same position, for context we are both married and in late 40’s with adult/older teen dc.

We have known each other through our children being friends for over 6;years now and our lives overlap a fair bit naturally, although less so now the kids are older.

We used to meet up as friends for drinks or walks regularly a few years ago a few times a week when our kids were doing training for their sport, sometimes in a group, sometimes 1-1 but purely platonically.

There has never been anything physical or anything inappropriate like flirting. About 4 years ago I started sensing a mutual attraction/charged atmosphere when we met up 1-1 although nothing was ever communicated or discussed.

After this I backed off from 1-1 meetings and kept it mainly group settings and everything settled down. Before this, we talked a lot about our upbringings, uni, careers etc and actually had a huge amount in common and just seemed very comfortable in each others company, like we’d known each other for years and I just found him enjoyable company. We did have slightly deeper chats sometimes about childhood stuff which I stopped when I backed off.

i would be lying if I said I didn’t find him attractive physically, but the personality compatibility was the main pull and he became one of my closest friends. When I backed off I did miss him, but that feeling settled down.

Fast forward a couple of years and our paths have crossed again over the summer. A few times instigated by him, a few coincidentally. It is mainly through the shared sport but also as my husband is friends with him, so impossible to avoid. We have met up this time mainly in family groups (not 1-1) about 5-6 times. He seems keen to meet up and possibly a bit lonely.

The chemistry is back with a vengeance, I have no idea if it’s mutual or all in my head, but we keep catching each other’s eyes and it makes me feel weird. He is very chatty and smiley to me but nothing inappropriate. My feelings are mostly linked to his body language and eye contact, but also the way the conversation steers towards little things we have talked about in the past, which I’m amazed he’s remembered.

it is occupying a lot of my time, and driving me a bit crazy trying to make sense of if there is mutual attraction or if I am imagining the whole thing. I have no idea what to do about it, obviously I can’t just ask him and I can’t step back any more!

Honestly I don’t know, maybe reassurance that I’m not going mad, maybe it is the ego thing.

If I found out he felt the same way it is unlikely to be acted on, we are both pretty good at self control and absolutely would prioritise the kids over anyone else

Your kids but no concern for either of your spouses. You sound self absorbed. Catch a grip.

Being married or in a LTR relationship doesn't turn off your ability to be attracted to other people. I've been married for nearly 25 years, and my DH and I have both met people with whom we could've had affairs/relationships with. If you value your marriage, you choose not to act on those feelings and they're likely to fade after a while.

It's possible that other people have already picked up on your mutual attraction so keep steering clear of him if you don't want to cause problems.

Oh come ON! There are a million excuses. Headache, don't like that restaurant, something on TV, catching up with an old friend, double-booked. Don't act like it's a climate conference and you're the chair! What you said above is purely an excuse not to stop seeing him. You always HAVE to go because if you didn't, people would notice and ask difficult questions, my arse.

I'm really not impressed with you sniffing around a married man. Some of us don't even have one husband, never mind two on the go. You obviously have no idea how lucky you are to be in a happy marriage. Or, if you're not happy, divorce your husband - but stay away from this man.

I agree the feeling was intense and came out of nowhere and was absolutely started by accidental eye contact at a social event around a table. It was intense and I wondered if something like this is felt mutually or just by one person. I suppose I’ll never know because I’m not likely to mention it.

“unlikely to be acted on”

This is the problem. You’re leaving yourself a little leeway.

Why aren’t you saying “absolutely would not be acted on”?

‘Probably’
shame on you.

Interesting you are late 40s, OP. I had a very similar situation with the husband in couple we’re friends with. Also met through our kids and began to see each other socially.

I developed a huge crush on the guy and I know the attraction was mutual. However, what I think was merely a fun flirtation for him became a massive, all-consuming head fuck for me. There was one evening at a party where he drunkenly kissed me (neither of our spouses were there) and I actually felt terrible about it (and still do tbh). Over time I’ve come to realise that he is a bit of a ‘cad’ - I’ve seen him be quite flirtatious with other women - but for me this was new and very destabilising.

I actually think a lot of it for me was the tumult of perimenopause. My hormones were all over the place - I felt like a teenager and often wonder if it was some sort of ‘fading fertility’ impulse, it’s really weird. In retrospect I am so happy that it stopped there, and I didn’t blow up my life over this. I advise that you don’t either!

I distanced myself from him and if anything he has come sniffing round me. I have never contacted him to meet up and never turned up when I knew it would only be me and him because I thought it was the sensible thing to do.

i have only seen him in bigger group settings over the last couple of years and despite this , this feeling has somehow resurfaced.

It does really sound like an ego thing. Step away, don't be a drama llama. Value your marriage and the commitment you made. Anything else is dishonourable lies to yourself and others.

Yes i wondered this too! It’s such an intense feeling!

You’d prioritise the kids but not the husband. It’s really telling how you talk about this. I’m not criticising. These things happen but stop lying to yourself at least.

How's your marriage OP?

Are you both investing in it? Spending quality time together etc?

Maybe try and redirect some of the energy you're putting into this in your husband's direction.

Affairs never end well. Either you blow two families apart or one of you ends it and it's awkward forever more. Can you imagine having to endure these family get togethers then? Doesn't bear thinking about.

Is it possible that this is limerence by the way? Somehow you need to find a way to burst this bubble because your fantasies simply aren't real.

Useful article about limerence:
share.google/OULICLpzZaRXAahNS

@Watermelon44 It sounds as if you're knocked sideways by this, because it's never happened to you before (since you've been married).

Honestly, it happens all the time to married people, but as most don't act on it, others assume that it's not occurring. It is! We're all human.

Don't beat yourself up about it, just don't act on it and it'll fade at some point.

Edit to say that as your children are young adults/older teens, you presumably have more time to spend with your DH. Work on your relationship, plan some fun evening and days out, etc. and get the spark back.

Absolutely, the kids are innocent in all this.

Spouses play their part in how marriages are. I can’t speak for his marriage because he never criticises his wife to me (and me likewise with my husband), but efforts and respect in marriages should be 2 way, and in my case isn’t always hugely respectful.

Thanks, yes I’m sure it will.

It has only happened before with him 4 years ago, a similar moment of chemistry from nowhere in a bar, nothing physical just eye contact. After that I distanced myself and it faded.

Never had any other issues like this in 25 years

It really is and I get how hard it is. I used to feel on a complete high in his company, but then really shit the following day. In the end I made a decision for us to stop socialising with the couple quite as much (tbh no-one really noticed, life is busy!)

We are still friends with the couple and a few years on, it’s totally fine. I’d be lying if I said I don’t still think he’s handsome, but I’m not about to blow up my life over it! I look back and feel quite ashamed/bemused as to how I was feeling - but it did calm down.

This. Give yourself a slap and grow up. People have crushes but acting on the just destroys lives of so many people. If you love your husband then either act like or have the guts to leave him before you act the fool.

I think we’ve all probably had similar. Going through the menopause I think the crush takes you back to your youth, mooning around listening to songs that remind you of him, daydreaming, fantasising takes you away from your boring life (no insult intended, work and daily life can be v boring). You have all the crazy intense feelings of being young and it can be very heady.

Try to see it for what it is, a bit tawdry and embarrassing really. Put the time daydreaming into your marriage. Do not think this is special and blow up your life, I promise it is not special, just a little sad.

I would say ok but not amazing. Dh always tired, not keen on going out or socialising, doesn’t like spending money….a bit old before time probably. Doesn’t really listen to me or like conversations, tends to get up and walk off in the middle of one or just yawns. Quite rude sometimes. When I try to bring up these things calmly and respectfully, eg maybe go and see gp about chronic tiredness and snoring (probably sleep apnoea) does not care or listen.

Ha ha yes it’s like that, probably bloody hormones

I feel so embarrassed by things I nearly did due to hormones 😂😂 I would have made SUCH a twat out of myself. Try to distract yourself as much as possible and invest that time into either you or your relationship 🙂

Yuk. What self-indulgent twaddle.
Dont be ridiculous. Of course you know what you should do about it - nothing, other than avoiding him where possible.

Have you really not read enough heart-rending posts on here by women whose husbands are having an affair with someone like you?

I'm not advising an affair but I'd have little patience with a husband who didn't give a fuck that his snoring was keeping me awake. Lying next to a snorer is torture 😤

In the nicest possible way, why does it matter if someone is attracted to you? When you made your vows did you assume you and your husband would never ever be fancied again? Being this caught up in a bit of attention says much more about you. It does seem like the people I have known who had affairs are always overly flattered they came across a person willing to cause chaos to be with them. It’s not romantic, it’s sad… then they do it all over again! I fully expect (rightly or wrongly) to have plenty of people fancy me until I’m 102 lol!