AIBU to think there is mutual attraction with a married friend?

[Watermelon44]

Posting to see if anyone else has been in the same position, for context we are both married and in late 40’s with adult/older teen dc.

We have known each other through our children being friends for over 6;years now and our lives overlap a fair bit naturally, although less so now the kids are older.

We used to meet up as friends for drinks or walks regularly a few years ago a few times a week when our kids were doing training for their sport, sometimes in a group, sometimes 1-1 but purely platonically.

There has never been anything physical or anything inappropriate like flirting. About 4 years ago I started sensing a mutual attraction/charged atmosphere when we met up 1-1 although nothing was ever communicated or discussed.

After this I backed off from 1-1 meetings and kept it mainly group settings and everything settled down. Before this, we talked a lot about our upbringings, uni, careers etc and actually had a huge amount in common and just seemed very comfortable in each others company, like we’d known each other for years and I just found him enjoyable company. We did have slightly deeper chats sometimes about childhood stuff which I stopped when I backed off.

i would be lying if I said I didn’t find him attractive physically, but the personality compatibility was the main pull and he became one of my closest friends. When I backed off I did miss him, but that feeling settled down.

Fast forward a couple of years and our paths have crossed again over the summer. A few times instigated by him, a few coincidentally. It is mainly through the shared sport but also as my husband is friends with him, so impossible to avoid. We have met up this time mainly in family groups (not 1-1) about 5-6 times. He seems keen to meet up and possibly a bit lonely.

The chemistry is back with a vengeance, I have no idea if it’s mutual or all in my head, but we keep catching each other’s eyes and it makes me feel weird. He is very chatty and smiley to me but nothing inappropriate. My feelings are mostly linked to his body language and eye contact, but also the way the conversation steers towards little things we have talked about in the past, which I’m amazed he’s remembered.

it is occupying a lot of my time, and driving me a bit crazy trying to make sense of if there is mutual attraction or if I am imagining the whole thing. I have no idea what to do about it, obviously I can’t just ask him and I can’t step back any more!

Listen to "crush" by Jennifer Paige 300 times on repeat

Read Madam Bovary

Have some "me time" and think in microscopic, cinematic detail about what it would be like to have sex with the hot dad. Acknowledge you feel that way and enjoy it... On your own. Use your imagination (you blatantly have a good one based on your OP) and pretend you are having the hottest sex of your life with him

Listen to "crush" some more

Think what it is that you like about the hot dad. Really think. It's probably the fantasy, simply the fact he's not your husband that you see snoring/farting/have to do the meal plan with makes him hot. Think about how he is EXACTLY that snoring, farting man to another woman...

Read Dangerous Liaisons

Look at your husband. Really LOOK at him. See the face you fell in love with. Look at your kids. Mmmm they're so beautiful and perfect blended with his lovely kind face. Go out for dinner somewhere nice. He is so great. Think, briefly, over dessert how, if you went off with hot dad you couldn't enjoy dessert because you know someone would be see you and be like "ooooooh they broke up two marriages between them" ... Is it really worth throwing away what you have?

Read Anna Karenina

Listen to "crush" a bit more

Look out for hot guys in everyday life. There are loads. Just check out delivery guys and stuff. Anyone can be hot in the right lighting. What you have with your husband is special, that's why you married HIM.

Read All Fours

Have sex with your husband but really GO for it. Like get really into it.

Voilà !

Your crush will pass. It's just a crush! It's OK to have crushes!!!! We all do. Don't throw away a real and solid marriage because of it. Acknowledge your crush, say it is OK to feel that way, and then move on because you are a grown woman not a fifteen year old girl 💕

Jesus Christ, don't do this

Your attraction to him is obvious. The real question is whether you will act on it or not. There’s always room to pull back a bit further. It sounds as if you are gearing up a defense for future misdeeds. Be very careful, OP.

It’s horrific and is getting worse all the time. It’s worse now because I’m sleeping more lightly.

Its then really frustrating when he complains of being tired all the time because I am too but he doesn’t care enough to go and get checked.

He even laughs about it which drives me mad. I have sat and spoken to him very calmly and clearly about what a massive effect it has on me and how I struggle with work when I’m not getting much sleep but he doesn’t see it as a big problem at all. It has led to massive disrespect for him if I’m honest, he thinks I’m nagging now if I bring it up and won’t do anything to help it, like stop drinking alcohol or go to bed later so I can get to sleep,.

You can go and still not engage much with him without other people noticing. You are looking for excuses.

Where's your DH in all this? Are you saying you would take things further?

And then what?

Have you recorded his snoring and played it back to him?

I'd be telling him to sleep on the couch, or I'd be decamping to the spare room. Could not tolerate sleeping next to a snoring bastard who treated it all as a joke.

What does it matter if he likes you or not. Hopefully neither you will act on it. Your not some teenager but a middle aged woman. Who's in Charge of your feelings. Take a step back and act like a grown up.

But what good would that do, unless you’re planning an affair?

If you aren’t, and you say you’re not, it’s irrelevant whether he’s secretly besotted with you or thinks of you as ‘Brian’s wife who s a bit full on and keeps staring at me’.

This really great advice !!!!

And there we have it. The problems in the marriage that are causing you to look to this guy as some kind of fantasy escape and solution. But you've no idea what he's like. In real life, he might snore just as loudly and be every bit as boring and slumpy as your husband is being right now.

I do not have the solution for your marriage issues but I think some wise posters can suggest stuff. But I do know that starting an affair will only make it worse. If you can't work through the issues, you can free yourself, but this is not the answer. The road to hell feel like heaven and it will indeed be a road to hell.

I think it’s because it’s ‘forbidden’ that it potentially seems more attractive to fantasise about a relationship.

I would suggest keeping well away from him and focusing on your own marriage, even if that ends up being a decision to end it if you are not happy.

You can practice ignoring a feeling. You can back off. Your feelings and actions aren’t out of your control.

For gods sake grow up. You can’t always get what you want, you realise? Put your feelings away and move on. Show your husband some respect.

What do you think attraction ‘means’? He likes your looks, plus the version of you he’s created in his head, without ever living with you in a proper relationship he doesn’t really know you or you him. So basically his attraction to you is fantasy. The bit I can’t understand is why you care so much about someone else’s ’fantasy’ about you. So what??? Men as far as I can tell have fantasies about women they know all, the, time. Some hide it better than others. What’s key here is you. Why is your self esteem so triggered by a man’s possible attraction to you? Do you need men’s validation that badly?!!!!! How is your self worth? Your post here implies yours is very low. Your attraction to him is borne of this. Your value as a person doesn’t change because someone is attracted to you. Perhaps get some counselling.

You’re probably not imagining it but so what?

The real issue is you sound bored, frustrated and discontented in your own marriage. You talk a lot about not wanting to hurt the kids, but don’t seem bothered about your husband, and are relying on “probably” nothing happening.

I’d consider getting some counselling - whether individual or couples, so you can work out what’s really going on in your head.

It sounds like you need to consider whether you want to be married to your husband.
It doesn't sound like a good relationship.
If he isn't willing to work on things and improve your marriage it seems like it may not be salvageable.

And if you ever find out that the attraction is real and mutual, then what? As others have said, you're setting yourself up for a really big problem unless you step back from this brink.

I understand you want to talk it through. Sounds like this isnt the right place, going by the posts on here.

What happens if this other person turns out to be a snorer/farter/leaves the toilet dirty/watches porn (other terrible habits available). Worth blowing up the marriage for? What happens if there is an affair then OP gets dumped? Only one way to find out I suppose but I think most of us would advise against it.

Are you at all close to his wife? If you are, then you know how wrong all this is. If you’re not, then maybe you should be to help you realise your priorities.
To be honest, most of us have been there - when someone seems to like you, and you feel flattered and see them in different way and then it builds and builds with little looks and moments and excitement and thoughts in your head. It’s human nature to be distracted by that! Especially when you’ve been in a long-term relationship and that excitement isn’t there anymore. Part of the excitement is not knowing 100% what the other person thinks.
Yeah you could acknowledge it with him, but really there’s no need as I think it’s obvious something is there between you at the moment.
Who knows, maybe you and him are meant to be, but do keep in mind that you both probably felt like that with your current partners at one point… and something new like this will always seem more exciting, so it’s not really fair – and not actually realistic to think that this excitement would last with this guy. As others have said, the fallout from it all would be too massive.

You've built up a fantasy in your head over something you have absolutely no idea feels the same way, your basing it on a "mutual connection" which isn't actually known to be mutual and a bloke being nice to you... Come on!! "This is much deeper than just attraction.' wow.

Obviously it was a joke.

This is lust. Definitely not worth losing your family over. Do you love your husband? Still fancy him? If the answer to both is yes then move on.