DS needs 4–5 months of treatment in the US, complicated family situation

[kaatee]

Urgent advice needed because I honestly don't know what to do I'm really struggling with this and don’t know if I’m overthinking everything, so would really appreciate some honest opinions.

My son is 15 and was diagnosed with a disease about 3 weeks ago. I was obviously really scared at first but after speaking to his doctors and getting all the tests/reports done, they have reassured us that it isn’t dangerous to his life and he is safe, BUT he needs treatment fairly urgently otherwise it could become serious.

They have recommended a specialist hospital in Los Angeles. My ex husband and I have been in contact with them, they have seen all his reports and spoken to his doctors here and they are saying treatment will probably take around 4-5 months. They are expecting him to be absolutely fine after treatment, so thankfully the doctors aren't making us think the worst.

Money isn't really the issue, we can afford it. It’s the whole logistics of it which is making my head spin.

My ex husband and I have 50/50 custody of our three children. They are very close to both of us and honestly they aren't children who can just go and live with one parent for 5 months. They are used to having both of us around and are very attached to both of us.

So we are thinking that me and my ex husband would take all three children to LA. We would rent a house there and my son would have his treatment, while the other two would go to school there for the few months.

That part is pretty much what we are planning.

The problem is my husband and my stepchildren.

I am remarried. My husband has two children from his previous marriage, they are 15 and 13. Their mum sadly died, so they live with us full time. I’ve been in their lives for a long time and basically I’m their mum now. I do all the normal mum things with them and they are very attached to me.

My husband has a job here which he can't just leave for 4-5 months, so he can't come to LA with us.

And this is where I honestly don't know what the right thing is.

If I go to LA, it means leaving my husband and my two stepchildren here for nearly 5 months.

I feel horrible about that because these children have already lost their mum and I am the person they rely on every day. The thought of suddenly being away from them for that long makes me feel incredibly guilty.

But then my son needs me. And I can't really take only him because I share 50/50 custody with my ex husband and our other two children need us as well. They are just as attached to both of us.

My husband actually says I should go.

He says he will manage here with his children and that it makes more sense for them to stay in their home, continue school and have their normal routine rather than everyone being uprooted. He doesn't seem worried about me going with my ex husband because obviously this is about our son's medical treatment.

But I just feel torn.

On one side I have my son who needs treatment and two other children who need both their parents with them.

On the other side I have my husband and two stepchildren who are also my family and who depend on me.

And then there is the fact that I would be living in LA for 4-5 months with my ex husband and our three children while my husband stays here. I know why we're doing it and neither of us has an issue with it, but it is still a very unusual situation.

I keep thinking maybe I should find some way to take my stepchildren too, but then their dad has to stay here for work and they can't just be separated from him either. And moving five teenagers around the world for months sounds completely chaotic.

I honestly don't know what I'm asking here apart from maybe what would other people do?

Would you just accept that this is one of those situations where I need to go with my son and my ex husband and leave my husband and stepchildren at home?

Or would you be trying much harder to find a way to keep everyone together?

Leave all the children at home and 1 parent goes for e.g. 1 month (or whatever timeframe you think reasonable) and then swap and swap again. (This way your concern about your step-children is addressed but you are still there for your poorly child, as is his dad)

If its four months its roughly 60 school days (deducting holidays for october and christmas) that is about 330 teachng hours - why disrupt everyone for that? Are the other kids going to keep poorly child company (will his treatment allow regular visitors, time at home in LA).

So pleased there is a treatment available and you have the means to support him through this. All the best with it.

What an unusual plan...are you rich folk?! I can't imagine how this is the solution for your shared children...never mind the step-children that you're also worrying about leaving!

Why isn't the solution for your ex-h to take your son? That way, your other two children can carry on their usual life and there is even less impact for your whole family (stepchildren and actual husband). You could visit every few weeks which would be much less disruptive for everyone. Which one of you is the US citizen? I assume one of you is.

I would leave all the children settled at home and you and ex-H take turns in being in LA/UK, swap over as often as you can afford flights. Ideally I'd do two weeks in LA and switch, but if the flights are too expensive then do a month each (or even six weeks). I wouldn't uproot the children and I wouldn't be away from the step-kids and DH for five months.

If that's unacceptable then you'll have to go with your kids and ex-H and then have the step-kids and DH visit every school holiday. In five months there will be at least a couple of school holidays so they don't need to be without you for five months.

I would leave all the children settled at home and you and ex-H take turns in being in LA/UK, swap over as often as you can afford flights. Ideally I'd do two weeks in LA and switch, but if the flights are too expensive then do a month each (or even six weeks). I wouldn't uproot the children and I wouldn't be away from the step-kids and DH for five months.

If that's unacceptable then you'll have to go with your kids and ex-H and then have the step-kids and DH visit every school holiday. In five months there will be at least a couple of school holidays so they don't need to be without you for five months.

Sorry, there is no way I would move children who don't need to be moved into another school in another country for such a short period.
When one sibling is ill and needs treatment, it is explained to the other children that everyone in the family has a part to play in this difficult time. The part the other kids have is to remain resilient, and to help whenever possible.
Grandparents, cousins, friends - all should be willing to assist in maintaining a stable home environment for these few months.

Go on your own, or your ex does. It's only a few months - everyone will be fine.

Uprooting everybody is bat shit crazy and more disruptive than one parent being away for a few months.

Leave all the kids at home why disrupt everyone? Kids and step kids can come out for holidays and you and ex can swap out monthly.

I do find all this confusing. Why can’t he be treated in this country?

I would leave your stepchildren at home with their DF and try to fly them out for a week in the holidays. They are old enough to understand about your DS medical treatment.

For the two children that you share
with DH, and on the basis that your SS condition is not life-threatening I would do month about, so one month you are in LA with your DS and ex is with your DC then the following month you swap with ex.

I think it's absolutely insane to take all the kids across the world to spend a few months in a new school with a completely different curriculum just to move them back again when they start settling in.

One goes with the kid needing treatment, the other stays with the other kids. Switch every month if you feel it's necessary, go for the school holidays with the kids so they can see their brother then bring them back again with the other parent.

It's be even more insane to take your husband and his kids across the world for one kids treatment.

Everyone's lives don't stop because one kid is ill.

@kaatee The stepchildren are at an age where you can speak to them about this, have you done that yet? I’m sure if they know everything that has happened with their stepbrother (who I’m assuming they must have a good relationship with after all of these years?), and you and your husband both sit down and talk to them about the whole situation, allow them to ask questions, reassure them that you’ll still be there for phone calls, FaceTime etc, then wouldn’t they understand your reasons for going? Would it even be possible to fly them over for a week or two during a school holiday? They should be old enough to understand what is going on is serious and that you’re not choosing to leave them? Have you had a fully open chat with them like this yet?

Can anyone think of a condition that "isn’t dangerous to his life and he is safe, BUT he needs treatment fairly urgently otherwise it could become serious."

And where the prospect of 4-5 months of treatment would have doctors saying "They are expecting him to be absolutely fine after treatment"?

And that treament is only available in US?

I suppose it could be one of those one in a million rarities, but I think an OP like this would usually mention it.

they have reassured us that it isn’t dangerous to his life and he is safe, BUT he needs treatment fairly urgently otherwise it could become serious
This in itself makes no sense. If a condition means that it can become serious without a specific treatment that is required urgently, the NHS would fund it.

For me I’d go, personally its a no brainier.

it’s a temporary situation for a long term solution, your husband and step-children can visit.

Your step children will be fine with their father who sounds very reasonable and kind. You're lucky to be in the position to be able to facilitate this and with a cooperative ex. Best wishes for your son's recovery.