DS needs 4–5 months of treatment in the US, complicated family situation

[kaatee]

Urgent advice needed because I honestly don't know what to do I'm really struggling with this and don’t know if I’m overthinking everything, so would really appreciate some honest opinions.

My son is 15 and was diagnosed with a disease about 3 weeks ago. I was obviously really scared at first but after speaking to his doctors and getting all the tests/reports done, they have reassured us that it isn’t dangerous to his life and he is safe, BUT he needs treatment fairly urgently otherwise it could become serious.

They have recommended a specialist hospital in Los Angeles. My ex husband and I have been in contact with them, they have seen all his reports and spoken to his doctors here and they are saying treatment will probably take around 4-5 months. They are expecting him to be absolutely fine after treatment, so thankfully the doctors aren't making us think the worst.

Money isn't really the issue, we can afford it. It’s the whole logistics of it which is making my head spin.

My ex husband and I have 50/50 custody of our three children. They are very close to both of us and honestly they aren't children who can just go and live with one parent for 5 months. They are used to having both of us around and are very attached to both of us.

So we are thinking that me and my ex husband would take all three children to LA. We would rent a house there and my son would have his treatment, while the other two would go to school there for the few months.

That part is pretty much what we are planning.

The problem is my husband and my stepchildren.

I am remarried. My husband has two children from his previous marriage, they are 15 and 13. Their mum sadly died, so they live with us full time. I’ve been in their lives for a long time and basically I’m their mum now. I do all the normal mum things with them and they are very attached to me.

My husband has a job here which he can't just leave for 4-5 months, so he can't come to LA with us.

And this is where I honestly don't know what the right thing is.

If I go to LA, it means leaving my husband and my two stepchildren here for nearly 5 months.

I feel horrible about that because these children have already lost their mum and I am the person they rely on every day. The thought of suddenly being away from them for that long makes me feel incredibly guilty.

But then my son needs me. And I can't really take only him because I share 50/50 custody with my ex husband and our other two children need us as well. They are just as attached to both of us.

My husband actually says I should go.

He says he will manage here with his children and that it makes more sense for them to stay in their home, continue school and have their normal routine rather than everyone being uprooted. He doesn't seem worried about me going with my ex husband because obviously this is about our son's medical treatment.

But I just feel torn.

On one side I have my son who needs treatment and two other children who need both their parents with them.

On the other side I have my husband and two stepchildren who are also my family and who depend on me.

And then there is the fact that I would be living in LA for 4-5 months with my ex husband and our three children while my husband stays here. I know why we're doing it and neither of us has an issue with it, but it is still a very unusual situation.

I keep thinking maybe I should find some way to take my stepchildren too, but then their dad has to stay here for work and they can't just be separated from him either. And moving five teenagers around the world for months sounds completely chaotic.

I honestly don't know what I'm asking here apart from maybe what would other people do?

Would you just accept that this is one of those situations where I need to go with my son and my ex husband and leave my husband and stepchildren at home?

Or would you be trying much harder to find a way to keep everyone together?

Well what are you suggesting OP? Taking them to LA as well?

Another vote for leaving all kids at home and doing shifts with your ex husband, with other kids coming to visit on a regular basis (if you can afford that).

Not sure what your relationship is like with your ex, but I wouldn't want to be full time living with mine for an extended period tbh. Would be willing to overlap for short periods to support DC though,but not months and months

Listen, your step kids will miss you, and it will be hard for them.

But they are also old enough to understand the situation, to understand that your son needs this treatment and needs both his parents with him for support and that therefore obviously his siblings have to go.

You will FaceTime with them, you can chat and exchange messages every day, and they can visit in their school holidays.

But your stepchildren need to stay here with their father while you focus on your son for a few months. They can’t disrupt their education right now.

Maybe plan a special big trip with them for after all of this, so you all have something to look forward to.

It’s lovely that you care so much about your stepchildren, but leaving them for now is the right choice.

I did wonder too.
It does sound odd tbh OP.

What ages are the kids? The US education system is unlikely to mesh with UK so what is the point of continuing to go to school.

There are a some rare treatments that only one or two specialised centres (like UCLA hospital) would be able to offer. It would be unusual, though, for these treatments to be a solution to something that a doctor could say with assurance would be fine or cured afterwards.

In the case that this complicated story is real, just take the son needing treatment and switch back and forth. Your plan is crazy.

Is this really about the kids' needs or your needs OP? I totally understand the strong desire to be with your child while they are sick and having treatment. Wild horses wouldn't drag me away from my child when he's in hospital or not doing so well. However, your situation is more complicated and you need to ask yourself if you are going to have to deal with some separation during treatment for the best interests of all the other children. Alternating with your ex might be the best option. It will hurt but sometimes we need to carry that as parents.

It sounds like you are scared of both being away from your son and managing on your own in Los Angeles with him.
But if you and your ex husband manage this so you swap between supporting him in LA and supporting your kids to stay at home with their familiar routines that will be much better and gentler for the children.

It will be a shock at first as you are a close family but this is for a health issue and will be short term, the children will get their heads around that. Lots of families have circumstances where a parent has to be abroad for a bit and they still stay close.

The option you have chosen seems best for you, not the kids. Although your husband has agreed it will also damage your marriage and relationship with your step children. You’ll have work to do trying to sort that out when you get back.

it will probably also mess with your children’s heads a lot that you and ex are setting up house for 5 months just as it was. It will be very difficult for them to slot back into the previous arrangement when they return.

Whereas if one parent goes with son and maybe tag teams it you can focus on time with your son, getting him settled and orientated in LA, it could even be a fun bonding time for you both as you explore the new environment together. Or if he is mainly at the hospital, you can explore and enjoy being a tourist, with lots of face time with the family at home.
Thats my take on it

It’s pretty obvious that one parent should go with the ill child and swap over half way through or whatever. What is the illness he has been diagnosed with, out of interest?

To be honest if I was your current husband I’d feel a little put out if you and your ex husband and all the children were going to move to America for half a year. I wouldn’t understand why you don’t just go alone and swap over when needed.

What do the step kids want?

Could your exH stay out there the whole time, and you could just come back every 6 weeks to spend time with step kids/DH and time it to take them back out there with you during half term and Christmas school hols? And DH could join for Christmas?

> treatment will probably take around 4-5 months

Biggest problem is that you will only be able to get a 3 month visa (I have no idea how that affects him if under medical care) so it will be 2-3 months each for you and your husband

British doctors said he needs to go to LA? NHS doctors?

If the treatment is needed, he should be getting it at home, for free. It seems something isn't quite adding up here.

American medicine is run for profit; they're strongly motivated to push people into non-essential treatments (and to try to make people from other countries believe that there are magic cures for things that are somehow only available in the US and not anywhere else, that incurable conditions can be cured but only if you hand over a large amount of money etc).

British medicine is just as good as American. Who told you to send him - an NHS doctor, or a private one who perhaps has links to this foreign clinic?

why do you think she needs a visa? She’s a US citizen, and no doubt the son is too.

The NHS have recommended treatment in the USA? Why isn't it available in the UK? Are they helping you with costs and planning?

Leave all the extra kids at home. You fly out for a month, then swap with his dad for a month and alternate through this process.

No need to add to accommodation costs or disrupt school, friendships and activities for siblings who can be adequately cared for by a parent here in the UK. Focus on the unwell child

Have everyone together for Christmas if you can afford it and manage it.

None of the DC sound very young, so I think it's a case of it being extenuating circumstances and everybody just accepts that they're going to have to be inconvenienced for a while. The very simplest solution would be to leave all DC in the UK and you and ex H tag team backwards and forwards to LA a few weeks at a time each.

It sounds like the OP is from the US so maybe had a hand in suggesting the LA solution, as I expect it's a pretty unusual thing that the NHS would just have come up with.

I don't really know what you want people to say op, taking your other two children and uprooting their entire lives for 5 months is an insane idea.

I don't really know what your aibu is, of course you shouldn't take your step children, you shouldn't take your own children.

You are making a problem out of nothing. Your ex agreed, your kids agreed, your husband and stepchildren agreed. What is the issue?
"But they need me" - evidently, they all think they will be fine with this arrangement for 5 months. You are the one who needs them and feels out of control so you need to deal with the real reason for your doubts rather than outsource it to other people who already all agreed that they are absolutely fine.

Don’t take your children out of school for 5months they need the routine not moving schools for months whilst there DB is having treatment. I understand as a mum you want to go I would too but I think in everyone’s best interest maybe your ex should go and you should stay and go over for a visit during half term or whatever.

She's not mentioned the nhs, could be that she's gone completely private.

It might be worth exploring nhs options if so

I live in the US and I think uprooting all the children for months is madness. I have heard of a few conditions where treatment in the US was the best option, once for a rare condition, and a few for clinical trials (as well as one case where the Canadian government actually paid for it, long story). The schools don't match up at all and it's not worth the upheaval unless you were planning to home educate and keep them up with their British schools. You'll be running back and forth to hospital. You'll have to rent a house which is expensive and all the major hospitals are in the most expensive part of LA. If it's just you you can see if the Ronald McDonald house can put you up, they are amazing.

Sorry to hear about your son, OP. To me the best solution sounds like it would be for all children to remain in the UK, and you and your ex husband to do eg a month at a time living abroad supporting your son while he receives treatment.

I would do 2 week shifts as that will be better for everyone except the person on the 2 week shift.

Oh maybe…

I can’t see the logic of all your kids going. If it were me, I would go alone with the child that needs treatment. Then all your other children and stepchildren have a parent at home. The Dads will just have to cope.

OR… you can switch places with your DH half way through. He flies out to LA to meet you, you fly back. You could do this a few times to break it up.

Enrolling kids in an American school for a few months is a bonkers idea.

If this were me, we'd have one parent and the 15 year old go for the hospital situation for the months it's needed and everyone else stays in the UK. Financially we'd not have any other choice and I've no idea where we'd find money for even 2 return flights to LA. That way, one parent can focus on the child having the treatment and the other parent helps the other two have as close to their normal routine as possible. It would mean a few months pause on the 50:50 agreement but for a very good reason, especially as it sounds like your communication is good. Also that way your stepchildren don't feel as othered and left out and there'd still be chances for them to see your other children, their step siblings.

It's hard not knowing the ages of the other children involved.

Within my family I have a cousin who needed long term treatment for something as a teenager and as tehy don't live on the mainland near a hospital, her parents had to spend a lot of time travelling or staying away from home. The best thing and the most challenging thing was keeping her younger sister in some kind of normal routine with her lifelong friends and school and hobbies and sports, which sort of got bumbled together with their older sibling, neighbours, other family when able to get a week off work here and there. It would've been easier logistically for all of them to move to the mainland but it wasn't the best thing for the youngest to be taken away from all her other support systems and routines and comforts.

It sounds like you've got your mind made up and all things in place for the younger siblings in your situation so this is no judgement on the really difficult decisions you've had to make quickly, I just wanted to give an alternative example where a different decision was made.

I hope all the treatment goes well and your son has a good recovery.