DS needs 4–5 months of treatment in the US, complicated family situation

[kaatee]

Urgent advice needed because I honestly don't know what to do I'm really struggling with this and don’t know if I’m overthinking everything, so would really appreciate some honest opinions.

My son is 15 and was diagnosed with a disease about 3 weeks ago. I was obviously really scared at first but after speaking to his doctors and getting all the tests/reports done, they have reassured us that it isn’t dangerous to his life and he is safe, BUT he needs treatment fairly urgently otherwise it could become serious.

They have recommended a specialist hospital in Los Angeles. My ex husband and I have been in contact with them, they have seen all his reports and spoken to his doctors here and they are saying treatment will probably take around 4-5 months. They are expecting him to be absolutely fine after treatment, so thankfully the doctors aren't making us think the worst.

Money isn't really the issue, we can afford it. It’s the whole logistics of it which is making my head spin.

My ex husband and I have 50/50 custody of our three children. They are very close to both of us and honestly they aren't children who can just go and live with one parent for 5 months. They are used to having both of us around and are very attached to both of us.

So we are thinking that me and my ex husband would take all three children to LA. We would rent a house there and my son would have his treatment, while the other two would go to school there for the few months.

That part is pretty much what we are planning.

The problem is my husband and my stepchildren.

I am remarried. My husband has two children from his previous marriage, they are 15 and 13. Their mum sadly died, so they live with us full time. I’ve been in their lives for a long time and basically I’m their mum now. I do all the normal mum things with them and they are very attached to me.

My husband has a job here which he can't just leave for 4-5 months, so he can't come to LA with us.

And this is where I honestly don't know what the right thing is.

If I go to LA, it means leaving my husband and my two stepchildren here for nearly 5 months.

I feel horrible about that because these children have already lost their mum and I am the person they rely on every day. The thought of suddenly being away from them for that long makes me feel incredibly guilty.

But then my son needs me. And I can't really take only him because I share 50/50 custody with my ex husband and our other two children need us as well. They are just as attached to both of us.

My husband actually says I should go.

He says he will manage here with his children and that it makes more sense for them to stay in their home, continue school and have their normal routine rather than everyone being uprooted. He doesn't seem worried about me going with my ex husband because obviously this is about our son's medical treatment.

But I just feel torn.

On one side I have my son who needs treatment and two other children who need both their parents with them.

On the other side I have my husband and two stepchildren who are also my family and who depend on me.

And then there is the fact that I would be living in LA for 4-5 months with my ex husband and our three children while my husband stays here. I know why we're doing it and neither of us has an issue with it, but it is still a very unusual situation.

I keep thinking maybe I should find some way to take my stepchildren too, but then their dad has to stay here for work and they can't just be separated from him either. And moving five teenagers around the world for months sounds completely chaotic.

I honestly don't know what I'm asking here apart from maybe what would other people do?

Would you just accept that this is one of those situations where I need to go with my son and my ex husband and leave my husband and stepchildren at home?

Or would you be trying much harder to find a way to keep everyone together?

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that if your husband and step children are okay with it, then I'd take everyone over.

Families are about teamwork, and the team always looks out for the weakest member. In this case this is your poorly son who needs treatment. The minor upheaval that your other children will face is trumped by that imo. It will teach them an important lesson in making sacrifices for those you care about.

At the very least, it will be a bit of an adventure for your step children, even more so if your husband can swing it so that he can come along and do things with them whilst you're there. Are your ex husband and step children close?

My opinion would be that everyone needs to band together to support your poorly son.

I wish him the speediest full recovery. What a trying time for you and your family; but together you can and will get through it.

Edited for typos.

You are overthinking it. Your husband is supporting you, his kids have him - he is their actual parent, not you. Just go, and be with your son. He needs you. It's not like you're abandoning your step kids forever, you'll be back in a few months.

DO you have any form of medical insurance for the US? We looked into going there for some treatment for my son, and without insurance you have to pay for everything - every time a doctor pops in the room.Every time they take blood, or change a dressing. Every time a nurse gives pills or you get an IV. Every night obviously. There are multiple costs just for one day being an inpatient. We were only hoping to be there for about 2 months, but it the costs would have spiralled so quickly.
I'm sure you've worked this out, but I'm confused how it's possible without insurance.

Leave all the children with your DH.

You and ExH go with your son to LA to set up treatment and logistics such as accommodation. After a couple of weeks and treatment is underway, one of you comes home for a few weeks and then swap over.

I think it's quite selfish to take your other children (including your SC) and you really need to consider just how much time you'll be able to devote to them if, as you say, your DS and his treatment will require both his parents there.

Your other children and stepchildren already have the burden of worrying about their brother, please don't add to that burden by taking them away from familiar routines, environments and friends.

I just don't get (and we'll as the other things that don't quite make sense) why you'd taken the step children, when that would mean separation from their actual parent for months. Also, it's really not your call, it's your husband's. It seems completely bonkers to uproot any of them, but especially the teenage step kids.

Yes to the extra treatments. My daughter has a serious health condition, which in America would have included an extra 18 months of treatment on top of what she had here.

That treatment would likely have made it very ill, potentially impacting her long term. We take a slightly more conservative approach here, have just as good outcomes, and I'm very relieved she wasn't put through unnecessary treatment.

Schooling in the US is very different unless they are already in an American school here or you are putting them in an international one in LA. It will be madness to swap systems for a 4/5 month period. You'd need to do it for at least an academic year.
If your husband said he will cope then he will cope. Don't make him come with his kids. That seems mad.

Absolutely go as planned with your ex and 3 children.
However, it would be good if your DH and step children could come out for say Christmas holidays and whether you could fly home for their half terms? At least this would mean they have some contact with you. Also, with modern technology, you can have lots of contact in-between times.
It maybe worth getting your stepchildren some counselling to help process this separation from you after loosing their own mum.
Hope all goes well.

She says money is no object so I assume she is extremely wealthy

I would absolutely tag team as I wouldn’t want my teens to go to school in a totally different system and be that behind on their return. Unless of course you found a British equivalent private school?

I would feel 0 guilt about leaving my husband and step kids. In this scenario my husband and I would certainly keep one of us and our son at home while the other went across (and maybe swap a couple times?) so can’t see any reason to disrupt everyone.

you have some serious money behind you to make this the obvious solution for everyone so I feel certain you’ll be able to make this work - you can go back and forth a few times or bring them out for a holiday once or twice. I would guess they wouldn’t even want to come along and miss their schooling and friends (and exams?)

Your husband is right. Just go.

Face time regularly the steps kids have their dad and will be fine kept in routine

Do you need a to take a step back?

It seems extreme that within 3 weeks of a diagnosis for a non life threatening condition , the answer is to uproot all these children for treatment in a foreign country.

There is the welfare of more than one child to consider here.

I'm sure you've done your research but someone is making a lot of money from you and your son's illness.

If you really do need to take him, and money is no object, wouldn't it be better to continue the 50/50 arrangement and have the adults travel back and forth?

Is it routine/common for doctors in the UK to recommend prolonged treatment in another country? Seems odd.

It's mad enough to uproot your two other children, nevermind disrupting the step children's lives too. They should stay here with their dad.

honestly I think you go on your own, and each man cares for their kids. of course that isn't easy or nice, but sometimes life is shit and you just have to manage. perhaps ex could tap out with you part way through or bring kids out in the holidays. DH could do similar as you're saying money isn't an issue.
do neither you not ex need to work? I get you have your husband to support you financially but what a out ex? what will happen to his home?
the practicalities are also crap but they are important

Yes, I have some thoughts, some more scientifically oriented than others. As a very broad rule, doctors don't like to make that sort of promise for unusual conditions. There certainly could be good reasons to come here for treatment; the best treatment in the US really is world class. I live near the NIH clinical centre and international patients do go there, though it's all for clinical trials.

Pulling a 15yo for a few months though? Having been through secondary school in England and now on my third in a US high school, the idea is mind blowingly terrible. For a primary school child it might be a fun adventure with no long term harm done. A 15yo should be in Year 10 and working on GCSEs. Absolutely nothing lines up at this stage.

This is even more batshit the more I think about it - the 15 year old SC is presumably in Y11, you cannot take them out of school for 5 months.

Are your other bio children in exam years too?

you leave them with their perfectly capable father. the 25 year old is GCSE year! it isn't fair to pull them out of that for their siblings.

how old are your other kids? I get that decision is already made but if it screws up their exams and life choices, they may be very angry that they were made to pull up their lives because you and Dad decided to

I think people are finding it hard to understand why you won't just go on your own.

This seems like a whole lot of unnecessary drama and disruption.

What do all the kids WANT to do?

I'm sorry to hear your son is ill. May I ask what kind of disease can only be treated in the US? Are you sure you're not being ripped off/preyed upon here? The NHS will treat most things, or the private system here is also worthwhile....

It doesn't seem very practical or fair to uproot your son's siblings to the US, take them out of school, their hobbies, their friends, their homes, for only a few months. It would be much better for them to stay at home and keep the stability, they will absolutely be better off. What are they going to do in the US, sit around while their brother is in the hospital and their parents are stressed? It sounds awful.

You and your ex-husband should go individually and split the time up. Sorry to say it but this plan is crazy.

Im sorry to hear your DS is unwell. But "needs" USA treatment? What is the NHS clinical guidance? Why don't they do this operation?
There is almost never a need for US based treatment unless its a trial or last hope type scenario. Neither of which your post implies. There are doctors who prey on panic vulnerable and rich parents, please be careful
This was my immediate reaction too. It just doesn't sound right. Treatments that have low chance of success or experimental and therefore not available on the NHS are usually very suspicious in a market that targets the well off.

Saying that, it sounds like OP is way further than considering whether this is genuine, so I don't think there is any point mentioning it.

You say all the DC are teens. Unless they're young teens, this will affect their GCSE and A level years. The same goes for the 15 year old stepchild who presumably is in y11.

I definitely wouldn't be uprooting any DC in Y10-13 for 5 months.

Yes, someone is making a lot if money out of convincing OP this is the only way.

Why i would make a shit step mother is because this wouldn’t make me hesitate for even a millisecond. I would be by my teen son’s side without a backward glance at anyone else’s children.

I so far don’t relate to your “dilemma” @kaatee that we might as well be different species. I wouldn’t think twice. My son. The end.