DS needs 4–5 months of treatment in the US, complicated family situation

[kaatee]

Urgent advice needed because I honestly don't know what to do I'm really struggling with this and don’t know if I’m overthinking everything, so would really appreciate some honest opinions.

My son is 15 and was diagnosed with a disease about 3 weeks ago. I was obviously really scared at first but after speaking to his doctors and getting all the tests/reports done, they have reassured us that it isn’t dangerous to his life and he is safe, BUT he needs treatment fairly urgently otherwise it could become serious.

They have recommended a specialist hospital in Los Angeles. My ex husband and I have been in contact with them, they have seen all his reports and spoken to his doctors here and they are saying treatment will probably take around 4-5 months. They are expecting him to be absolutely fine after treatment, so thankfully the doctors aren't making us think the worst.

Money isn't really the issue, we can afford it. It’s the whole logistics of it which is making my head spin.

My ex husband and I have 50/50 custody of our three children. They are very close to both of us and honestly they aren't children who can just go and live with one parent for 5 months. They are used to having both of us around and are very attached to both of us.

So we are thinking that me and my ex husband would take all three children to LA. We would rent a house there and my son would have his treatment, while the other two would go to school there for the few months.

That part is pretty much what we are planning.

The problem is my husband and my stepchildren.

I am remarried. My husband has two children from his previous marriage, they are 15 and 13. Their mum sadly died, so they live with us full time. I’ve been in their lives for a long time and basically I’m their mum now. I do all the normal mum things with them and they are very attached to me.

My husband has a job here which he can't just leave for 4-5 months, so he can't come to LA with us.

And this is where I honestly don't know what the right thing is.

If I go to LA, it means leaving my husband and my two stepchildren here for nearly 5 months.

I feel horrible about that because these children have already lost their mum and I am the person they rely on every day. The thought of suddenly being away from them for that long makes me feel incredibly guilty.

But then my son needs me. And I can't really take only him because I share 50/50 custody with my ex husband and our other two children need us as well. They are just as attached to both of us.

My husband actually says I should go.

He says he will manage here with his children and that it makes more sense for them to stay in their home, continue school and have their normal routine rather than everyone being uprooted. He doesn't seem worried about me going with my ex husband because obviously this is about our son's medical treatment.

But I just feel torn.

On one side I have my son who needs treatment and two other children who need both their parents with them.

On the other side I have my husband and two stepchildren who are also my family and who depend on me.

And then there is the fact that I would be living in LA for 4-5 months with my ex husband and our three children while my husband stays here. I know why we're doing it and neither of us has an issue with it, but it is still a very unusual situation.

I keep thinking maybe I should find some way to take my stepchildren too, but then their dad has to stay here for work and they can't just be separated from him either. And moving five teenagers around the world for months sounds completely chaotic.

I honestly don't know what I'm asking here apart from maybe what would other people do?

Would you just accept that this is one of those situations where I need to go with my son and my ex husband and leave my husband and stepchildren at home?

Or would you be trying much harder to find a way to keep everyone together?

How old are your DC? I know you say you think this is the better option, but are you considering how they will feel about being fish out of water so to speak for five months, and then having to leave any new friends they might make?

What do your DC want to do? Do they want to stay or come with you?

The differences between the US and UK schooling are significant, and if they are teenagers, this will affect their exams/qualifications.

How old are they?

I would have gone one month each then swapping over and leave all the other kids here.
we have relocated to another country with two kids and settling them into school takes months. It’s a huge culture shock even though we were international school. They may or may not like like their classmates or school and the teachers don’t know them.
I think it’s quite stressful relocating with kids and when one of your focus is on a sick child and hospital treatments etc, it’s going to be really hard.
then you are adding stepchildren, the work situation into the mix and things start to get really messy.

I think you’ll struggle to get an answer on this post then because clearly the majority (so far at least) disagree with that approach.

You cant seriously want to throw kids into a school in American for 6.months

The disruption to your other kids' educations will be significant and not in their best interests. So, I agree with previous posters that one parent only goes to LA. As you also have step children I do think perhaps your ex should go with your son.

I’d leave everyone at home (sc with your husband and 2 kids with ex) and you and son go. Others join you in school holidays if they can.

I would be quite wary about uprooting the children. The 4-5 months away will become about the hospital. Yes they will have both parents around but the disruption to their lives will be significant when you are really dealing with your other son and that’s where your attention will be. I think your husband is being sensible in that regard.

If your going for 4-5 months than I would arrange for your husband and step kids (if you can afford it) to come and visit over October half term and Christmas. You could even pop back for a week a few time too

It will far too disruptive taking all the children, tag team leaving the kids in the uk and just take them out plus your husband and step kids when it’s school holidays

Is there no uk based hospital where he can get the treatment?

Its madness to take your bio kids, never mind uprooting your SCs. Since DH is on board and they are teens and not small children who you can have a rational, reasonable conversation with, I'm struggling to see your dilemna tbh. Your ill DS wont need you every minute of everyday so you'll be able to fly home to see SCs, money doesnt seem to be an issue.

I think leaving all children home and you and your ex taking turns with son in LA is fair to everyone. Setting up home for 5 months with your ex and kids is sending a terrible message to your stepchildren.
It's 5 months, surley not worth uprooting kids and starting a new school for such a short time.

You sound like you have already made your mind up so not sure why you asked.

Dont take the step children. They will cope for 5 months. Video calls and messages will help.
You wont be able to parent them all and focus on your sick child's medical needs. They will be more settled at home with your dh .

I’m not convinced this is genuine tbh. I think OP is trying to stoke a step children debate.

I wouldn’t uproot your kids like that, that’ll be really hard for them. One of you take your son and the other has the 2 kids at home. Maybe your husband takes your son to America and you stay at home with your kids and step kids but go and visit once a month. It’s not fair to swap school for 5 months for the other kids

I think it's sounds like your original plan is the best of a bad situation. Call your step kids regularly. If money isn't an object fly them out for the school holidays so they have a trip to the US and get to see you.

Well she’s failed then because the majority of comments are focused on the arrangements with her biological children.

You've said that it's too much for one parent to manage being with your ill son and it needs both and your ex there. But I think you are underestimating the impact that settling your other 2 DC into temporary lives there for 4-5 months will have - that will wipe out (and then some) the additional help from having 2 parents there.

It honestly sounds as if you and ex have made your minds up - settled the relocation for the 5 of you including schooling - and now gone "oh".

Your DH has given you the out to go with your ex and kids. So if you are set on the 5 of you going then just go. You can't uproot an extra 2 children and take them away from their dad (15 year old approaching exams).

Most posters here think that is nuts.

I think you'd be better sending ill DS with ex alone with you travelling out for a week at a time or so or switching.

I wouldn’t be taking 3 kids. The best solution imo is to tag team with your ex husband. One of you goes for 4-6 weeks flies home and then the other parent goes out. That will be far less disruption for all the kids including your step kids.

I think the challenge is that all the decisions seem to be made emotionally rather than pragmatically. It is far more sensible for one adult to be with your DS in the US, and for you and your ex-husband to swap every 3-4 weeks. Unless there is a drip feed coming about how all your family and friends are over in the US, and your other kids used to go to school there, then uprooting them unnecessarily for their brother has the potential to badly backfire. It all sounds a bit enmeshed if I’m honest. I’ve spent weeks in hospital with a demanding and ill toddler, the idea a parent couldn’t cope solo with an older child for their 3 week stint when they have 0 other responsibilities seems a bit far fetched

Is this something diagnosed privately? I'm curious as to why you can't get it treated in the UK, as that would be logistically much easier?

If a treatment is only available in another country and is needed, the NHS will often give the treatment abroad. So for a long time (brevity we got our own) we were flying kids to the us for proton breach therapy for certain brain tumours.

Your DC may lose their school places here and you will have to find them schools when they come back.

I think you've made a good plan and even your DH is encouraging you!
Go, get your son the treatment he needs and get home. 4-5 months is nothing in the span of a lifetime.
Out of interest, have you enrolled your kids into an international school?

I would go out with my son and take turns with my ex (swapping every month or so). Then your DC and step DC never have to be more than a few weeks without each parent.