DS needs 4–5 months of treatment in the US, complicated family situation

[kaatee]

Urgent advice needed because I honestly don't know what to do I'm really struggling with this and don’t know if I’m overthinking everything, so would really appreciate some honest opinions.

My son is 15 and was diagnosed with a disease about 3 weeks ago. I was obviously really scared at first but after speaking to his doctors and getting all the tests/reports done, they have reassured us that it isn’t dangerous to his life and he is safe, BUT he needs treatment fairly urgently otherwise it could become serious.

They have recommended a specialist hospital in Los Angeles. My ex husband and I have been in contact with them, they have seen all his reports and spoken to his doctors here and they are saying treatment will probably take around 4-5 months. They are expecting him to be absolutely fine after treatment, so thankfully the doctors aren't making us think the worst.

Money isn't really the issue, we can afford it. It’s the whole logistics of it which is making my head spin.

My ex husband and I have 50/50 custody of our three children. They are very close to both of us and honestly they aren't children who can just go and live with one parent for 5 months. They are used to having both of us around and are very attached to both of us.

So we are thinking that me and my ex husband would take all three children to LA. We would rent a house there and my son would have his treatment, while the other two would go to school there for the few months.

That part is pretty much what we are planning.

The problem is my husband and my stepchildren.

I am remarried. My husband has two children from his previous marriage, they are 15 and 13. Their mum sadly died, so they live with us full time. I’ve been in their lives for a long time and basically I’m their mum now. I do all the normal mum things with them and they are very attached to me.

My husband has a job here which he can't just leave for 4-5 months, so he can't come to LA with us.

And this is where I honestly don't know what the right thing is.

If I go to LA, it means leaving my husband and my two stepchildren here for nearly 5 months.

I feel horrible about that because these children have already lost their mum and I am the person they rely on every day. The thought of suddenly being away from them for that long makes me feel incredibly guilty.

But then my son needs me. And I can't really take only him because I share 50/50 custody with my ex husband and our other two children need us as well. They are just as attached to both of us.

My husband actually says I should go.

He says he will manage here with his children and that it makes more sense for them to stay in their home, continue school and have their normal routine rather than everyone being uprooted. He doesn't seem worried about me going with my ex husband because obviously this is about our son's medical treatment.

But I just feel torn.

On one side I have my son who needs treatment and two other children who need both their parents with them.

On the other side I have my husband and two stepchildren who are also my family and who depend on me.

And then there is the fact that I would be living in LA for 4-5 months with my ex husband and our three children while my husband stays here. I know why we're doing it and neither of us has an issue with it, but it is still a very unusual situation.

I keep thinking maybe I should find some way to take my stepchildren too, but then their dad has to stay here for work and they can't just be separated from him either. And moving five teenagers around the world for months sounds completely chaotic.

I honestly don't know what I'm asking here apart from maybe what would other people do?

Would you just accept that this is one of those situations where I need to go with my son and my ex husband and leave my husband and stepchildren at home?

Or would you be trying much harder to find a way to keep everyone together?

It can't be a clinical trial though, because those involve at least some uncertainty (or it wouldn't be a trial still) and the doctors have assured the OP that their son will be fine after the treatment.

Something's not adding up here.

It’s bonkers that you’re all going. What a huge upheaval for everyone at a time when things feel stressful anyway. You and EXDH should tag team it.

All of the immediate family are dual national.

I am hearing a lot of "NHS is best, UK education system is also unbeatable" on this thread.
I have a much closer perspective to you as a dual national with dual national kids.
Some medical things are different in the two countries. Not better or worse just different. One of them is that they are much more gung ho about doing loads of extra treatment in the US.
I'd want to know if this extra treatment was something that the UK leading specialist teams recommend. For example, Great Ormond St. I had major surgery in the US and they recommended further surgery very soon. It hasn't been done in the UK as I came back but I'm now 3 years on, haven't needed it and the doctors here are very impressed with how well I've recovered. Think hard about whether this is really something that has a proven track record.

I think it's sounding very tempting to you to take all the children for an experience of US schooling. But you haven't said what stages they are at so unless the two younger ones are primary age or maybe Y7/Y8 then taking them out for part of a school year is not doing them any favours.

Definitely not the step children. But not your own teenage children either. Rethink this. What will you do if they don't get into the schools you've planned? What if they don't get back into their UK schools?

So the school here will keep their place?

Absolutely second this.
as a medical parent I have lost count of the number of times we have had to split the children so one of us can be in hospital or isolating with the ill child. It sucks but with careful planning, clear explanations to the other kids and regular check ins, it will be doable. No difference in treatement between bio/step children. I’d split the time in US between you and exDH and get through it all by knowing it’s going to be finished in 4-5 months, not ongoing for years and that is a huge + to have an end in sight.

I know you don’t want to hear this but please don’t take your other children. You won’t have the emotional bandwidth to prioritise supporting them in a new country and school system. Just as they settle in they’ll be back to the uk and have missed key social and educational months.
I really do think you and ex need to take turns in the US one at a time with the other staying in the uk with the other children. Maybe a couple of weeks each at first then a month each at a time.

I'm sorry and hope the treatment goes well , honestly I think you go out there with your family, as has been said people do manage these sorts of separations. My dad worked abroad for long stretches when I was a teenager and it was fine.

Does everyone potentially going have US citizenship, including the stepchildren? Whoever does not will need a B-2 visitor visa to stay for more than 90 days, and cannot attend public school. Going to school in the US for five months probably doesn't make sense anyway - perhaps if your children are younger, but it would be a setback/interruption for the 13yo and especially the 15yo since the systems are so different and the UK is so focused on specific exams that the US does not have. If they do go, remote/online learning via a British institution would probably be smarter (unless you've managed to enroll them in an IB programme).

Hope it all goes well, another vote for the least disruptive route. Take your son and get his treatment; this is the thing that matters. The families will both be ok

This is a mad plan. You should go with your DS and everyone else stays home. Uprooting everyone is ridiculous.
The kids will be fine without you, they can come and visit.

How lucky that your children have citizenship in the very country you need to seek treatment in! But presumably that can’t possibly also apply to your stepchildren?

Id go and if money isn't a problem, fly back to the UK for 5 days or so each month.

I think you’re already doing the right thing. Listen to your husband him and his children will be ok.

Welcome to mumsnet. What a busy three weeks you’ve had… Diagnosis of non-life threatening condition, identification of hospital offering treatment clearly not available in UK, detailed reports done by clinicians here, sent to LA and LA have decided on that basis alone, without seeing patient in person, to treat, and schools and a home found. Amazing progress in such a short time.

You have been TOLD what to do by your step children's father. Yes the stepkids will miss you, it would be surprising if they didn't but there is one child who needs you most. You have got a safe sensible plan which all the adults agree on. This isn't the 80's, you can text you can whatsapp, you can facetime.

So sorry you are going through this but wonderful that there seems to be a solution in LA.

I am surprised people seem focused on any of the children’s education as you are clear that you have found schools for them and family togetherness is very important.

I would suggest you do as your husband suggests and leave the step children but try to do a few trips back for just 5 days to see them (this is the shortest amount of time I think realistic to come back from LA) - this will keep the connection which I think is super important at your step children’s age.

Maybe they can also have one trip out there in holidays which I am sure they would love?

good luck with it all and whatever you do you will feel guilty but you are doing your best with this difficult situation so be kind to yourself x

The only treatment available is in LA? No doctor here can treat this? What illness does your dh have if you don’t mind saying? Why can’t one of you go with your dh and the others all stay here in the UK? It honestly seems madness.

The current plan is the best possible - your other teens will get a great experience (double check that the school place will be there for them when you come back), and you will be able to split the treatment stuff with your EX.

If possible, invite your step children&husband for holidays and don't overthink it.

First of all, I wish you all the best for your son's treatment. I think you're over thinking this.

The priority has to be your ill son. He needs treatment and he needs both his parents. So you and ex should go.

Your step-children will have their loving dad with them, they may even develop a closer bond by being left together. Maybe they could all fly over for Christmas as it sounds you and ex are all amicable.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

I think you need to listen to your husband. Stick with your plan. Parent your kids as best as you can while you are out there. I think you are right to go as a family as you may need support. Your step children are teens they can be self sufficient after school. Keep communication up. Call them daily check in on them as you would at home. Your ds needs to be your priority. Maybe they can come out and stay in a school holiday if that’s possible? I think you are carrying a lot of guilt for a lot of people but this needs to work for you too op. You don’t need more people to care for in an already tough situation.

This is completely a non issue. Your son is ill and needs treatment so you go. I have no idea why you are taking the whole family. Why disrupt their education. Makes no sense. One parent goes the other stays to look after the other kids. It’s not ideal but it is what it is.

OP this is a difficult situation but there are a few practical things you really need to consider.

You can't just easily enrol kids into school. Even if they have citizenship this will take time. Your step kids can't just go to school in the US. Your kids will need to establish residency, transfer school records and vaccination records etc. You must secure a physical address in the U.S. school district where you want to enroll your children. Districts require proof of residency, such as a utility bill, lease agreement, or mortgage statement. 1]

U.S. public schools have strict state-mandated vaccine requirements that you must meet before attending. Do you know if all of the kids meet those requirements?

Your oldest stepchild is in first year GCSE - this is not the time to be uprooting for 4-5 months.

You are taking way too much on your shoulders in terms of responsibility.

Why can't you and your ex share the travel - two or three weeks on or off at a time?

Illness trumps happiness. Your step kids will be fine. They are old enough and you can speak every day.

It will take months to uproot your life and move there for 5 months - finding a place to live isn't instant. You may be in hotels for a while and that isn't a place for kids.

I think you need to take a step back and work through some of these things before committing.

Don’t make this a whole circus. Just go you and your son so you can focus on his needs.

I'm so sorry for your situation. What is clear is there seems to be a huge amount of love and lots of reasonable and caring people who have their priorities in order.
Go and be with your son. Sit down with your step children and explain that you are torn because you love them so much. Just ask them about how they feel and give them space to voice if they think the situation is unfair, but explain your reasoning. They are also an age where they probably don't want to be away from friends and school is important to prepare them for exams.
If they are angry or hurt at any time, let them have their feelings and reassure them you love them, which you obviously do.
Talk to them about realistic ways you can be accessible to them, considering you may be unavailable for periods of time due to the treatment your son needs. It's okay to explain this as you would do the same if they were ill. What I would advise against is setting yourself up here, so avoid saying they can call at any time if the treatment schedule would mean they can't always reach you if they ring you.
Do remember that technology makes the world a much smaller place. If you have something you can do online together that's fun, I would do that, too.
I reckon get them over for a visit or two, especially if money isn't the issue.
Ask friends or family members to check in and support where possible - and ask the school if there's any extra support they can put in place.
Go easy on yourself xx

this is nuts. You go with son, stay in LA for a fortnight, come back to be with your other kids while ex does a fortnight in LA - rinse repeat for five months. All this upheaval is unnecessary.