DS needs 4–5 months of treatment in the US, complicated family situation

[kaatee]

Urgent advice needed because I honestly don't know what to do I'm really struggling with this and don’t know if I’m overthinking everything, so would really appreciate some honest opinions.

My son is 15 and was diagnosed with a disease about 3 weeks ago. I was obviously really scared at first but after speaking to his doctors and getting all the tests/reports done, they have reassured us that it isn’t dangerous to his life and he is safe, BUT he needs treatment fairly urgently otherwise it could become serious.

They have recommended a specialist hospital in Los Angeles. My ex husband and I have been in contact with them, they have seen all his reports and spoken to his doctors here and they are saying treatment will probably take around 4-5 months. They are expecting him to be absolutely fine after treatment, so thankfully the doctors aren't making us think the worst.

Money isn't really the issue, we can afford it. It’s the whole logistics of it which is making my head spin.

My ex husband and I have 50/50 custody of our three children. They are very close to both of us and honestly they aren't children who can just go and live with one parent for 5 months. They are used to having both of us around and are very attached to both of us.

So we are thinking that me and my ex husband would take all three children to LA. We would rent a house there and my son would have his treatment, while the other two would go to school there for the few months.

That part is pretty much what we are planning.

The problem is my husband and my stepchildren.

I am remarried. My husband has two children from his previous marriage, they are 15 and 13. Their mum sadly died, so they live with us full time. I’ve been in their lives for a long time and basically I’m their mum now. I do all the normal mum things with them and they are very attached to me.

My husband has a job here which he can't just leave for 4-5 months, so he can't come to LA with us.

And this is where I honestly don't know what the right thing is.

If I go to LA, it means leaving my husband and my two stepchildren here for nearly 5 months.

I feel horrible about that because these children have already lost their mum and I am the person they rely on every day. The thought of suddenly being away from them for that long makes me feel incredibly guilty.

But then my son needs me. And I can't really take only him because I share 50/50 custody with my ex husband and our other two children need us as well. They are just as attached to both of us.

My husband actually says I should go.

He says he will manage here with his children and that it makes more sense for them to stay in their home, continue school and have their normal routine rather than everyone being uprooted. He doesn't seem worried about me going with my ex husband because obviously this is about our son's medical treatment.

But I just feel torn.

On one side I have my son who needs treatment and two other children who need both their parents with them.

On the other side I have my husband and two stepchildren who are also my family and who depend on me.

And then there is the fact that I would be living in LA for 4-5 months with my ex husband and our three children while my husband stays here. I know why we're doing it and neither of us has an issue with it, but it is still a very unusual situation.

I keep thinking maybe I should find some way to take my stepchildren too, but then their dad has to stay here for work and they can't just be separated from him either. And moving five teenagers around the world for months sounds completely chaotic.

I honestly don't know what I'm asking here apart from maybe what would other people do?

Would you just accept that this is one of those situations where I need to go with my son and my ex husband and leave my husband and stepchildren at home?

Or would you be trying much harder to find a way to keep everyone together?

The doctors recommended a specialist hospital in LA? Really? And you didn't say, actually that won't work for our family, what are the other options? Because I find it hard to believe there aren't any.

This is crazy. The sensible thing to do is for all the other children to stay at home and you & exH do 3 weeks at a time in LA. The DC must be used to going at least a couple of weeks without seeing one of you when you go on holiday.

This is a very odd situation. Can you tell us what condition your DS has that isn’t dangerous but can only be treated in LA?

Leave everyone at home and go with your son

Im sorry to hear your DS is unwell. But "needs" USA treatment? What is the NHS clinical guidance? Why don't they do this operation?
There is almost never a need for US based treatment unless its a trial or last hope type scenario. Neither of which your post implies. There are doctors who prey on panic vulnerable and rich parents, please be careful.

I wouldn't take your kids, just the ill child. You'll disrupt their education and also they may well lose their school places here (unless they're in private and you pay to keep them open) and gamble on there being space for them to return.

You or your ex takes him, and the other stays back, so the kids left behind have one parent. It's not ideal, but daily video calls and flying everyone over at half term and at Christmas will help.

It also avoids your step kids having to lose their mother figure, whilst your DC get to stay with you.

I understand you have got school places in the US, but are you sure you’ll have places to come back to when the DC return?

Personally I wouldn’t uproot any of the other kids either as I would assume US school life is very differeny as will be the curriculum and their education will be quite disrupted.

I would leave all the kids at home. It’s too much upheaval for a relatively short space of time. Moneys obviously not an issue so I would tag team with your children’s father, with the help of your current husband to bridge the gap when you’re both flying. fly back every 3 weeks or so and swap. Pay a nanny/ housekeeper at home to help with the childcare/ logistics/ cooking/ cleaning.

Bring all the children out for half- terms/ Xmas etc. the time will go quickly.

They are very close to both of us and honestly they aren't children who can just go and live with one parent for 5 months

Well I am not sure any child fits this spec but your kids will cope, just like other children all over the world. At least there is an end point when both parents will be back.

Sorry to hear this, it must be a nightmare for you. I would say though that it sounds very much like your need to be with them, rather than what's actually best for them. If you must take your own DC (and I don't see why you would but you seem adamant) don't take you SC too. It's madness! Even though it's understandably hard for you.

And how much loving care will your children get in LA while you're at the hospital worrying about your son? In a strange country, new schools and friends? No, you haven't thought this through but as you are adamant... nobody on here agrees with you. I hope it all pans out well and your son recovers.

You seem to be purposefully over complicating the whole situation .
you are sinking your other kids will want to come with you - have you even asked them ?

your post sounds all about you and what you want - which tbh sounds totally bonkers .

leave your kids here where they live and put your focus on your son who is unwell.

This is a really poor decision on all fronts OP.

Your other children will be fine it’s not fair to upend their lives like this over one child.

Can’t you and exH take it in turns to be with your son? Lots of upheaval for your kids. What school years are they in?
might be really difficult to just slot in to an American school. Can you all get the appropriate visas ?

I agree. I feel this is more about each parents unwillingness to be away from the other children for periods of time rather than what’s best for the children.

Of course the other children will be fine without the other parent for periods.

I agree with most posters about the simple way forward being just your unwell son and a parent going, but it’s not what you asked.

I’m sorry you are going through this and wish your son and all of you the very best. Regarding your step children I would leave them - you sound like a wonderful mother with a great bond with them but ultimately they have that with their father - if not stronger. They will be better off with him vs disruption of the move with the focus also very understandably being on your unwell son.

I wonder if in this maelstrom of stress and understandable focus on you son and children you have gone into turbo mother mode and are trying to make everyone and everything alright on your own. Their dad can do this and he is better placed.

Good luck you sound great and they’re all lucky to have you.

This is one of the most confusing threads I’ve read for ages. Why would you not just have one parent fly out with DS and then alternate every few weeks? Surely you'd want to focus on DS treatment and not getting other kids settled into school for 2 months. Strange.

Why on earth would you disrupt everyones lives in this way when you could just take the son that needs to go? It seems incredibly selfish.

OP - your husband’s kids are 13 and 15, not 3 and 5- explain the situation, call frequently - they will understand. You say money for 5month treatment in US is not a problem, so it follows- you can fly back for a couple of weekends or they can come out at half-term for a holiday and to see you all - if any of that is needed. The problem, to me, would be, if you all went to US and completely fell off the face of the earth- not a call, not a message, not a thought to the teens at home - that could make them feel abandoned and less important, so just keep in touch.

Sounds awfully dramatic. The narrative that no one can manage without you or each other. All shipping off to LA. This would be incredibly disruptive of their schooling. The curriculum is different. They will be miss big chunks of learning and socially with their friends too. It’s like a film script.

You’ve already arranged everything, including schools in the US?
Deciding what ‘to do about’ your DH and stepchildren sounds like a bit of an afterthought.

If the only decision to be made is whether they go or stay, I suggest you ask them! Let them decide. No need for you to ‘do’ anything with them. You’ve made your plans, let them make theirs.

OP ‘AIBU’?
everyone - yes
OP - nope , still going ahead.

That's what I think

I am of the view that all kids should be at home. And only take the one who needs treatment and one adult at a time..

But if that isn't the option your husband and step kids will be ok too. They will miss you but sort out a flight etc and get them out a couple of times.

Everyone is being supportive so take the help and good will and see it as a positive

Best solution is for you and your ex to take turns. I don't see how you can take your other kids and be fair to them. You will be very focused on the treatment and time and focus on them is going to be tough. The disruption to their lives is also unnecessary.

I have a medically intense child who was diagnosed around the same age as your son. I know what it's like. It would take both parents if you take all the kids and you'd still have to take turns in the hospital. It's much better to just stick with one parent being fully focused on your son and one parent on the other children. This is temporary.

I find it hard to believe there's a condition that can only be treated in LA, unless you're taking part in some medical trial, but obviously you know your situation.

How will this fit with the stage of schooling they are at?
You can't arrange US schools without a residence, same as the UK, so you might find they are in different schools to the ones you'd like, or to each other. You're also going to need proof of vaccination, including ones you don't usually get here e.g. chickenpox.