DS needs 4–5 months of treatment in the US, complicated family situation

[kaatee]

Urgent advice needed because I honestly don't know what to do I'm really struggling with this and don’t know if I’m overthinking everything, so would really appreciate some honest opinions.

My son is 15 and was diagnosed with a disease about 3 weeks ago. I was obviously really scared at first but after speaking to his doctors and getting all the tests/reports done, they have reassured us that it isn’t dangerous to his life and he is safe, BUT he needs treatment fairly urgently otherwise it could become serious.

They have recommended a specialist hospital in Los Angeles. My ex husband and I have been in contact with them, they have seen all his reports and spoken to his doctors here and they are saying treatment will probably take around 4-5 months. They are expecting him to be absolutely fine after treatment, so thankfully the doctors aren't making us think the worst.

Money isn't really the issue, we can afford it. It’s the whole logistics of it which is making my head spin.

My ex husband and I have 50/50 custody of our three children. They are very close to both of us and honestly they aren't children who can just go and live with one parent for 5 months. They are used to having both of us around and are very attached to both of us.

So we are thinking that me and my ex husband would take all three children to LA. We would rent a house there and my son would have his treatment, while the other two would go to school there for the few months.

That part is pretty much what we are planning.

The problem is my husband and my stepchildren.

I am remarried. My husband has two children from his previous marriage, they are 15 and 13. Their mum sadly died, so they live with us full time. I’ve been in their lives for a long time and basically I’m their mum now. I do all the normal mum things with them and they are very attached to me.

My husband has a job here which he can't just leave for 4-5 months, so he can't come to LA with us.

And this is where I honestly don't know what the right thing is.

If I go to LA, it means leaving my husband and my two stepchildren here for nearly 5 months.

I feel horrible about that because these children have already lost their mum and I am the person they rely on every day. The thought of suddenly being away from them for that long makes me feel incredibly guilty.

But then my son needs me. And I can't really take only him because I share 50/50 custody with my ex husband and our other two children need us as well. They are just as attached to both of us.

My husband actually says I should go.

He says he will manage here with his children and that it makes more sense for them to stay in their home, continue school and have their normal routine rather than everyone being uprooted. He doesn't seem worried about me going with my ex husband because obviously this is about our son's medical treatment.

But I just feel torn.

On one side I have my son who needs treatment and two other children who need both their parents with them.

On the other side I have my husband and two stepchildren who are also my family and who depend on me.

And then there is the fact that I would be living in LA for 4-5 months with my ex husband and our three children while my husband stays here. I know why we're doing it and neither of us has an issue with it, but it is still a very unusual situation.

I keep thinking maybe I should find some way to take my stepchildren too, but then their dad has to stay here for work and they can't just be separated from him either. And moving five teenagers around the world for months sounds completely chaotic.

I honestly don't know what I'm asking here apart from maybe what would other people do?

Would you just accept that this is one of those situations where I need to go with my son and my ex husband and leave my husband and stepchildren at home?

Or would you be trying much harder to find a way to keep everyone together?

I’d go on my own. Your other two kids will be fine with your their dad. Maybe he could pop out with them a couple of times.

I am very sorry for your situation. I think though you should leave your other DC here and you and ex tag team do 4 weeks or 3 then fly back. But definitely don’t disrupt the SC too.

Presumably the other two aren’t babies/toddlers?

Could you speak with your step children and find out what their thoughts around it is? While yes 5 teenagers moving is a lot thr everyday wont be much more than your current everyday life.

Could the step children and your husband come to USA for some time for a holiday while you are there.
Could you set up regular check ins and stick with them
Could you go back for 1 month mid way through?

Not sure there is a correct answer here op in the end you will have to go with what frels the best way to do this even if you have doubts.

Pleased your son will recover.

I think you should listen to your husband about what is best for his children, your stepchildren. The consistency of their home, schools and wider community is important for them too.
I would worry that it would be unnecessarily stressful and an upheaval that they could do without to be plucked from their lives for that length of time.

I would suggest they come out and visit you for a holiday at some point during the period- unless that would be inappropriate given your son’s medical treatment. Or, you fly back to uk for a week half way through.

I think other two DC are coming with us, that's almost finalized

I’m sorry this has happened to you son and family, and I hope there is a positive medical outlook.
I don’t think this is a reasonable plan to either your DH or xH. I think your DCXH need to stay where they are. I would perhaps expect you and xH to travel alone to LA taking it in turns for 2-4 week stints, maybe going together with xH for the initial operation.

Honestly, I'd leave everybody home and just go with your son. You don't say how old your kids are but they might find going to a new school in a different country for five months even harder than being away from their mum for five months. It is a tough situation, but they will cope. You can visit, video call, write letters, fly them out for a bit if you can afford it. Five months will fly by, albeit I know it will feel like an age at the time. Good luck.

I wouldn’t disrupt any of the children tbh. 4-5 months is not long, it’s shorter than a lot of military deployments which thousands of families deal with, your ex and you split the time out there, the other sorts the kids at home. All the children are treated the same. You get your son sorted. You pick up where you left off.

Obviously we don’t know the full ins and outs but I’m taking at face value that it isn’t a life threatening condition and the treatment isn’t dangerous such that it requires a round the clock bedside vigil by both parents. Assuming that and based on what you’ve said I’d honestly try to make it work with no one at all being uprooted other than you and your ex husband. Could you do month about in LA? Or every 3 weeks? Your children will surely cope with one parent for a few weeks? I do understand not having a parent away for a very extended time. But uprooting schooling for a short time is also very disruptive.

How will this affect their exams? Is there any way only the ill DS could go to LA, with you and his dad taking turns to look after him? It seems to be quite a disruption to their education

Does your ex have stepchildren?
I think maybe your ex should take him out there full time, and you should fly out to join them periodically, eg fortnight there, fortnight home. Your other kids can take turns to come with yo to visit sibling & dad.

As others have said I wouldn't uproot the other children either and swap with your ex every few weeks.
You've got to consider that your son will be in the hospital having treatment and that's his focus. But the other kids would be in school, making friends and being educated and then you'd uproot them AGAIN to come home.

I’d go with your son for 2.5 months then swap over with his Dad.

I'd go with the son who needs treatment and tag team with ex husband swapping over every month. However that does mean needing a 3rd adult for your other 2 joint children while you and ex are travelling. Grandparent/aunt/uncle/your DH.
Your other kids and stepkids could join you there with your DH in school holiday times.
It will be disruptive, but so will your alternative.

Taking teens out of school for a few months of traumatic experience seems really stupid. I think you’re over thinking this. You and your ex should take turns being with your ill son and fly back and forth every two weeks.

Where is home?

honestly, it’s absolute madness to uproot everyone for a few months. What about school? Are you US citizens? If not, what visa are they going on?

I get that the LA hospital is a specialist, but are there no other hospitals perfectly capable of looking after your son, that are closer?

I’m not sure how to vote.

Your DH sounds very reasonable and accommodating, you chose well.

I would go with your plan, but make arrangements for DH and DSC to visit you a couple of times if possible, plus you have some trips home as and when DS treatment allows.

Good luck, I hope he makes a full recovery. 💐

I agree with the majority. It seems bonkers to take your other children out of school for this. I would take turns with ex to be in LA and other stays at home.

It would be even more crazy to take teen step children when they can stay with their father.

I assume you’ve checked the visa position here? Visitor visas are normally 6 months, what is the treatment runs over here?

I think the other children need to stay in the uk.
Visas and paperwork to get them into US schools will be a nightmare. Not to mention the disruption to their education.

I think you need to go with DS.

And your ex and DH deal with the other children between them. They need to support each other. Along side whatever extended family you have here.

Phone calls, facetime etc.

You're taking your ex husband and two other kids to LA for half a year? That's the mad bit, sorry. You need to leave the kids here with their dad, and if you're as wealthy as you must be with all these plans then you need to fly back once a month/6 weeks for a week and swap with your ex husband so you both see the other children and take your share of caring for your son.
Your current husband and step kids will be fine without you too.

I’d echo what’s been said about you tag teaming it with ex. The children are all of an age to understand circumstances and time. Think of it in weeks rather than months - 16-20 weeks then dependent on finances allowing whether you/ex can swap every 2 weeks or every 4 weeks (subject to affording flights) but already saved 2 flights not taking siblings. Then the other parent uses daily online calls for the children they are not with either son in LA or ones in UK.

All my kids have dual US–UK citizenship, so there's no problem with that

No! My ex and I are both going. It's not easy for one adult to manage everything alone.

We both think taking our other DC with us is the better option. We've already arranged schools and everything else, so there's no problem with that.

The problem is my stepkids and my husband. They're also my family, and I'm basically their mum, so I don't know what to do about them.

Im in the camp on leaving all kids at home.

My dad did 6 months work trips. Nothing upsetting about it.

What was upsetting was moving schools everytime it was an extended work trip and he wanted us all with him.

Unless your children are very young I wouldn’t take them; everyone will adapt, including the teenagers. I know it’s an emotional time for you but try to think about things in a more pragmatic way - this is ultimately about medical treatment for your son.