AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's children more?

[GiveItOneMoreDay]

I have 3 children who are 19, 16 and 14. I take the youngest and middle child to school and pick them up each day which is a 45 minutes drive each way, as well as work full time Monday to Friday, finishing late to make up for the time I spend on the school run. My husband also works full time Monday to Friday. Weekdays are very busy for all of us but things are easier now the kids are older. Some weekends we drop the kids to places as there isn’t much public transport here but we have time for our hobbies and going out.

My sister has 3 children aged 20, (at university), 6 and 3. She gave up her job when she had her last child but now wants to return to her career which will require weekend work. The younger two will go to a childminder (oldest will go before and after school) on weekdays but she has asked me to have the children at weekends. I’ve said I will have them for either a Saturday or Sunday every other week or for a whole weekend once a month but I can’t have them every weekend. She is saying she won’t be able to go back to work if I don’t have them as she doesn’t have anyone else. I’ve suggested she looks for a different job or her partner changes his job or hours but she says that’s not possible.

By Friday I really need the weekend to relax. I’m in perimenopause and having lots of symptoms and don’t want to have to work all week and then have young children to look after every weekend. My husband and children don’t want them here every weekend either so we have offered what we can.

Am I being unreasonable to just need weekends to relax and do things for ourselves. Are there any childcare options for couples like my sister and partner who both work weekends?

Yeah this is too much. You’ve done your time at the early motherhood coalface.

Stick to your guns, you already have a really demanding life and thos could burn you out.

If its medicine or nursing or policing there are non clinical/ non frontline roles she could look into. In most roles Her or her partner could work request flexible working patterns which mean they are off if the other is working.

I wouldn’t look after someone else’s children on my weekend no. I have three of my own and work with children! She’s going to have to find something else. What job is it?

I wouldn’t be offering anything other than emergency cover. My kids are at University and no way would I want to look after such young children again.

I would absolutely not be doing this.

not in a month of Sundays.

Oh my gosh you are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. Is she having a laugh? It’s very unfair of her to try to manipulate you into agreeing to her demands by making you feel guilty. She clearly (stupidly?) decided to start again by having two young children after a very large age gap. That’s her problem to solve. Perimenopause is no joke and you are still knee deep in being project manager for your own three children. Bless you. Honestly, take some time for yourself because no one else will put you first. Your sister and her partner are being so entitled. And cruel by even dragging you into this scenario. Unless your sister did years of free childcare for you once?

You are not being unreasonable. She is, for asking!

Agree. Not a chance in hell.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You’re being very kind offering the support you have offered.

Of course you are not. I think your offer is generous and don’t let her guilt trip you. I’d never ask someone to do this.

Surely she and her partner thought about this before having the 2 DC

Of course you're not being unreasonable OP.

You've generously offered what help you feel able to help with.

It's not your job to facilitate your sisters return to work, that's for her & her partner to work out.

It's perfectly possible for her partner to change jobs, just as it's perfectly possible for her to find a role that doesn't involve weekend work. It's simply that having YOU to take on her childcare every weekend would make her & her partners life easier, and a lot cheaper too!

Not your circus OP, stick to your guns on this.

What you’ve offered is really generous

Surely she can pay the extra for a weekend childminder? In a few years she’ll need a cheaper babysitter.

She’s asking way too much of you. Your offer was generous, most wouldn’t want to commit to that. I agree with you, she needs to find a different job. Weekend hours don’t fit with family life.

She wants you to have her young kids every weekend? All weekend?
Absolutely no way, and you’ve been more than generous with your counter offer- she should be falling over herself with gratitude to accept that imo. Stick to your guns and don’t allow her to guilt trip you. Leave the parents to figure it out (like the rest of us have to).

She needs a different job.

where is the partner at weekends?

M

Oh god op I’m at your stage minus the 14 year old the thought of having to go back to the childcare years every other weekend makes me want to cry. Worst nightmare!! God no.

She is choosing to go back to work into a pattern that she cannot commit to with her responsibilities at this point. It’s not everyone else’s role to enable this at their own expense.

God no, it’s for her and her partner to work out their jobs/shifts. I hate it when someone tries to make their problem, your problem

There's 4 teens and young adults between you, would none of them be up for some babysitting money?

I don't know that I would even offer what you have. Every weekend is WAY too much. They will need to find another solution.

Absolutely no way. It would be like working 7 days a week, I’d fall apart. If there is no job she can do in the universe that isn’t weekend work and her partner won’t/cant cover the time, she can’t work.

You're already offering more than I would in the same circumstances. This is not your problem to resolve. Your sis and her DH need to come up with another solution themselves.

You are making a very generous offer.

Advise her to pay her oldest child one or two weekends per month and to advertise for another carer to fill the same position.

Long term your sister and her husband need to change their shifts.