AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's children more?

[GiveItOneMoreDay]

I have 3 children who are 19, 16 and 14. I take the youngest and middle child to school and pick them up each day which is a 45 minutes drive each way, as well as work full time Monday to Friday, finishing late to make up for the time I spend on the school run. My husband also works full time Monday to Friday. Weekdays are very busy for all of us but things are easier now the kids are older. Some weekends we drop the kids to places as there isn’t much public transport here but we have time for our hobbies and going out.

My sister has 3 children aged 20, (at university), 6 and 3. She gave up her job when she had her last child but now wants to return to her career which will require weekend work. The younger two will go to a childminder (oldest will go before and after school) on weekdays but she has asked me to have the children at weekends. I’ve said I will have them for either a Saturday or Sunday every other week or for a whole weekend once a month but I can’t have them every weekend. She is saying she won’t be able to go back to work if I don’t have them as she doesn’t have anyone else. I’ve suggested she looks for a different job or her partner changes his job or hours but she says that’s not possible.

By Friday I really need the weekend to relax. I’m in perimenopause and having lots of symptoms and don’t want to have to work all week and then have young children to look after every weekend. My husband and children don’t want them here every weekend either so we have offered what we can.

Am I being unreasonable to just need weekends to relax and do things for ourselves. Are there any childcare options for couples like my sister and partner who both work weekends?

Wow Yanbu.

I think one weekend every other weekend is very generous and more than I’d offer. If it was me it would be occasional/emergency only. Got too much of my own shit going on! Kids similar ages to your younger two

Her oldest is away at uni. My oldest lives at home but is also at uni and already works part time.

Frankly, I'd remind her of that and tell her she chose to have additional children later in life and she'll need to figure it out like you did. You have your own family and life to sort and won't be stepping in to sort hers as well.

She’s asking for too much from you. I’m perimenopausal too and I neeed the weekend to relax and recharge my batteries before work.she needs to look for a different job or ask her husband to change his shifts. What if you didn’t exist, she wouldn’t be able to do it anyway!

I think you’ve been far more accommodating than I would by what you’ve offered.
If she can’t cover her childcare when she is working she will need to decline the job offer.
Every working parent has this dilemma, it’s up to them to solve it, not expect others to

Agree with PPs - absolutely unbelievable that anyone should ask this of you. Looking after two small children that are not your own. EVERY weekend? I think you should tell sister not to be so utterly ridiculous. I can’t imagine the level of entitlement she must feel. Totally mad.

You have offered more than what is reasonable, personally with her reaction to your very generous offer I would tell her you have reconsidered and it is a hard no. She will be resentful and will keep demanding more if you even start this.

Your DSis needs to sort out some regular weekend childcare ,. I don't think she'd find a childminder who would do ad-hoc days , three Sarturdays out of four and every other Sunday kind of thing . They have a business and need to know their hours and capacity .
Same with any Nursery that offer weekends .

But she isn't looking for that , she wants you to step in for free . And you;d probably end up with overnight childcare because she'd be "late/exhausted/need to study/need to catch up with her DH"

Just as providing care for an elderly relative isn;t a given, then older siblings doing regular childcare shouldn't be either . Ok if her eldest says they'd love to but they;re at University .

And as an aside - when I see posters write on here that they want to live "rural or semi-rural" , no neighbours , middle of nowhere etc , I was in a small village with rubbish transport as a child/teen so I was so determined my DS would live where there are regular busses etc as it was a pain when I couldn't get a bus after 8pm !

I wouldn't offer anything.
Not a single day.
You have finally a bit of time at the weekends, after manically busy weeks, and she now wants you as her weekend childcare.

She is a complete CF and I wouldn't get in any way involved with this.

You will bitterly regret committing to doing something so thankless.

Also be wary of offering ‘emergencies’ because then the failure of a half-assed plan becomes an emergency and ‘but you said….’

Absolutely not. She’s being a cheeky fucker. You’ve been very generous in your offer.

Absolutely not, the cheeky fucker

You were kind to offer what you did. Expecting you to do more is very unfair. Your sister and her partner need to work it between them like the vast majority of parents do.

Absolutely no way you should even consider saying yes to this, it’s totally unreasonable of her to have even suggested it.

Not only because you are still needed for managing the logistics of hobbies and social lives of your younger two, alongside needing some time yourself and your husband.

Also 3 and 6 is the when hers are entering/ in the midst of ‘the birthday party years’ … exhausting Saturdays and Sundays of very young children high on sugar and excitement, stuffy rooms in community halls and soft play centres with equal amounts of shrieking laughter and tearful tantrums when someone else ‘wins’… there is just no way. No way at all I’d even consider it!

No way would I even consider this. I also wouldn't have offered what you already have as that will creep up in time.
wheres her partner at weekends?

this. I mean why would you? Did you make her have the kids?

Her childcare problems are not yours to solve and you have offered to have them sometimes.

You need to stick to your guns, she has a partner and they need to sort this out between them.

Absolutely not. You will never get that time back and she didn't do the same for you.

@GiveItOneMoreDay
She cannot be serious why should you look after her children?
You've been there, done that and are now perimenopausal too? 😬
It's hard to get work I know
But she will have to sort out different hours/childcare elsewhere
Don't be blackmailed by her if anything she's the one who should feel guilty and as
This is a thing that both you and DH feel the same about
It's a for sure a definite no

No way would I commit to this. It's too much, and you will need to keep it up for like 7 years or so until both children are old enough to stay by themselves. They can find a nanny or alternatively careers or take alternate shifts.

Even if that is the case and even if this is a possibility (for example - I live in a village so infrequent buses and miles from train station) the 16 and 14 year old are her kids and it’s her choice to drop them where they need to be. I actually quite like car rides with my two as we natter away.

Goodness, why wasn't your first answer "Hahahaha, nice try, Rachel, but no way!"

I used to tell people trying to dump childcare on me that I wasn't great at keeping my own two alive and uninjured, so probably best not to add more to the pack.

Her childcare is her responsibility. I think what you've offered is very generous.

Indeed, what about all the social activities like parties of young children?
Endless and exhausting.
You will be caught for this too.

Work will be much easier than doing childcare.

I cannot believe anyone would be so silly to commit long-term to being childcare like this.

Absolutely not should be your answer.
She and her partner need to sort tjis out between them.

She is so presumptuous.

Would your children offer to babysit? My niece was an amazing babysitter to my dd, and dd (now in her 20s) still talks about her big cousin babysitting fondly. Dniece would take her for a cheeky McD's happy meal. Dniece loved the extra money and I cherished the easy nature of my babysitting service.