AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's children more?

[GiveItOneMoreDay]

I have 3 children who are 19, 16 and 14. I take the youngest and middle child to school and pick them up each day which is a 45 minutes drive each way, as well as work full time Monday to Friday, finishing late to make up for the time I spend on the school run. My husband also works full time Monday to Friday. Weekdays are very busy for all of us but things are easier now the kids are older. Some weekends we drop the kids to places as there isn’t much public transport here but we have time for our hobbies and going out.

My sister has 3 children aged 20, (at university), 6 and 3. She gave up her job when she had her last child but now wants to return to her career which will require weekend work. The younger two will go to a childminder (oldest will go before and after school) on weekdays but she has asked me to have the children at weekends. I’ve said I will have them for either a Saturday or Sunday every other week or for a whole weekend once a month but I can’t have them every weekend. She is saying she won’t be able to go back to work if I don’t have them as she doesn’t have anyone else. I’ve suggested she looks for a different job or her partner changes his job or hours but she says that’s not possible.

By Friday I really need the weekend to relax. I’m in perimenopause and having lots of symptoms and don’t want to have to work all week and then have young children to look after every weekend. My husband and children don’t want them here every weekend either so we have offered what we can.

Am I being unreasonable to just need weekends to relax and do things for ourselves. Are there any childcare options for couples like my sister and partner who both work weekends?

@GiveItOneMoreDay you are being more than reasonable.

Your sister needs to rethink her career. Or her partner needs to rethink his career.

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. You are working at the limits of what you can cope with just keeping all the plates spinning for your own immediate family. Your offer of 2 weekend days a month is very kind and generous and your sister is being extremely rude and entitled to be expecting more.

This isn't your problem to solve, it's ok to say no. She's a grownup and has a partner who is also presumably a capable adult. and its up to them to structure their lives within the boundaries of the resources they have. Couples with children cannot both have jobs that require weekend work unless they can negotiate mirror shifts because weekend childcare is generally not available. There are lots of jobs with no weekend work or where weekend work can be negotiated. It's not up to you to help them find a solution.

You’ve already offered more than most people would.

There are weekend Nannies and babysitters they can hire (try childcare.co.uk, plenty of people like teachers and nursery staff are on there looking for extra jobs on weekends, you can filter by days available).

Or they can switch their jobs or shifts around like most couples do.

But honestly she’s really cheeky and pushy to do more than ask once and graciously accept your answer.

You will seriously burn out and become ill if you try to do this.

Forget about perimenopause, your own kids, blah blah….the fact is, you already have a FT job, so you would now be working 7 days a week! Fulltime! Every single day of your life! How can she think that’s sustainable?

Of course not, that's far too much of her to expect.

Did your sister do anything comparable for you when your children were small? If not, you don't owe her anything.

if her husband works full time presumably weekdays can he have them weekends?

most people work these out between their own families not rely on anyone else to help?

it's quite a commitment to ask someone to indefinitely have your kids every weekend.

Tell her to figure it out with her husband.

Even if the sister did look after OP’s kids when they were small that doesn’t mean OP had to reciprocate now.

I looked after my nieces loads when they were little as I had a flexible job and no kids of my own then. I didn’t expect my brother to return the favour years later when I had young kids but he still had his own kids to raise and a full time job!

Literally can't believe she asked this of you!

You have been super generous offering two full weekend days a month, I wouldn't have even offered that.

I do look after my sister's three young children but only on an ad-hoc basis. Usually it's no more than 3 hours at a time and she rarely asks for weekends as she knows how much we value that downtime. Also I only work part time not full time!

Your sister is very, very cheeky and I don't like that it sounds like she's trying to emotionally blackmail you into agreeing to this too.

16 & 14 should be on public transport

What does that have to do with the price of fish?

Unless she did something equivalent for you when yours were younger YANBU at all.

Edited as just reread OP and see partner works weekends too. Seems rough on the kids to not have any days with their parents outside school holidays.

Could your sister get an au pair, OP? No way can you look after her children every weekend

You read the thread and that's what you chose to comment on? If the OP is rural, there won't be any public transport for the kids to take. Not everyone lives in a town or city with busses and trains aplenty, you know

I wouldn’t even have offered as much as you have. I think that’s extremely good of you and she’s being ungrateful to expect more.

No way. She’s cheeky and manipulative trying to guilt you into this sort of massive commitment. Where is the father of these children, why isn’t he stepping up? Also your 14 and 16 year olds will be embarking on GCSE and A’Level studies and will need a calm household at weekends to study, not one filled with demanding infants and stressed out parents.

Thanks for the replies. I feel better knowing people think I’ve offered enough. She has only ever had my children for occasional nights out and emergencies when they were younger, not regular childcare for work.

Your offer was really generous!

😂

YANBU unreasonable at all. You’ve been fairly generous with your offer. I’m baffled that she thinks it’s fine for you basically to give up all your free time?? It they don’t have adequate childcare they will have to rethink work/look at flexible work requests so they can look after their own children.

Your sister is being a cheeky sod!!

Your offer is far more reasonable than she apparently deserves.

She needs to find a job that doesn't involve weekends

I have my niece's and nephews over most weekends, and I still wouldn't do it.

Totally different providing childcare to having kids over. If my plans change no one minds- you would have to book time off

I wouldn't agree to do any.

Childminder or nanny over the weekend - what she is saying is you are her only FREE option.
Not a hope in hells chance I would be doing that!

she said they live where there isn't local transport.

No. It is too much. Looking after someone else's kids is a far cry from looking after your own. It's much more demanding. It's unfortunate but your sister will just have to sort something that suits her family - like the rest of us!