AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's children more?

[GiveItOneMoreDay]

I have 3 children who are 19, 16 and 14. I take the youngest and middle child to school and pick them up each day which is a 45 minutes drive each way, as well as work full time Monday to Friday, finishing late to make up for the time I spend on the school run. My husband also works full time Monday to Friday. Weekdays are very busy for all of us but things are easier now the kids are older. Some weekends we drop the kids to places as there isn’t much public transport here but we have time for our hobbies and going out.

My sister has 3 children aged 20, (at university), 6 and 3. She gave up her job when she had her last child but now wants to return to her career which will require weekend work. The younger two will go to a childminder (oldest will go before and after school) on weekdays but she has asked me to have the children at weekends. I’ve said I will have them for either a Saturday or Sunday every other week or for a whole weekend once a month but I can’t have them every weekend. She is saying she won’t be able to go back to work if I don’t have them as she doesn’t have anyone else. I’ve suggested she looks for a different job or her partner changes his job or hours but she says that’s not possible.

By Friday I really need the weekend to relax. I’m in perimenopause and having lots of symptoms and don’t want to have to work all week and then have young children to look after every weekend. My husband and children don’t want them here every weekend either so we have offered what we can.

Am I being unreasonable to just need weekends to relax and do things for ourselves. Are there any childcare options for couples like my sister and partner who both work weekends?

When would you get anu down time for yourself or time to spend with your own husband and family?
Your sister and partner need to either pay someone for weekend care or re-evaluate both of their jobs and lifestyle.

DH sibling and partner chop and change jobs then announce to mil/fil that they need them to take and collect from school most of the week, take neice to her hobbies twice a week and have her all holidays and mil/fil actually do it !

Whereas DH and I 'cut our cloth' . I changed jobs to work a few evenings and his parents looked after our children 1 afternoon a week so we could both work that day, but during school holidays we used our annual leave to cover that one afternoon in holidays.

More importantly when would your sister and her DH actually see their children??

What with the children's father be doing at weekends?

Offering a day every other weekend was generous enough.

You've raised three kids, now you get to relax a bit that they are independent, and they will be interested in entirely different activities as their ages are so different to your sister's.
Might be different if the kids were all similar ages. A 3yo needs very different activities and possibly nappy changes and all sorts of extra help. Does she not have any friends with 3yos and they could rotate and have 3yo on different days and she can return the favour in the week?

No you should not agree to that. She presumably didn’t look after yours. Why doesn’t she pay her oldest child to babysit?

It seems the norm these days to expect other people to bring up your children. You will have to tell her straight, they are her children and they need to come before her needs. You have more than reasonable with your offer.

You’ve offered more than enough! You really, really don’t have to do any of it. Your sister is completely disrespecting your wants and needs and is trying to manipulate you to get her own way. And it’s not as if she’s ever done anything similar for you. Please stand up for yourself. She made her own decisions for her own life, and she has to learn to manage without emotionally blackmailing her own sister.

Why doesn’t her husband look after his children?

YANBU your sister is a cheeky cow. Also you don’t owe her an explanation - it’s irrelevant you are perimenopausal. Women need to stop thinking we have to explain ourselves. No is a fully formed answer.

"she has asked me to have the children at weekends"

No. Absolutely not. You have raised your three and earned the weekends free.
They will have to make another plan.

It's up to her and her husband to sort out. I wouldn't mind once a month - one day only. Don't budge

A private nanny or childminder is what she needs. Don’t do this OP she’s got a cheek asking you and putting pressure on you. Also you may become resentful towards her if you do because it won’t be just the odd day will it?

If she can’t afford or find childcare then she needs to look for another job.

No way. I wouldn't even offer every other weekend.

Neither would I.

So sorry accidentally hit unreasonable when I swiped. YANBU the young children were her choice as is the job and you are being more than generous already. Hold your boundaries! X

Your offer is extremely generous, I'd only be offering emergency care in case of illness! You have offered what you feel you are able to cope with. At the end of the day, the decision isn't solely yours...you have a husband and 3 children yourself, who share your home and rightly have a say.

Your sister and her partner chose to have 2 children, therefore it's their responsibility to come up with a plan, for childcare. Why can't your sister work during the week? Are both children at school? Or is it only the 6 year old? Why can't the younger child go into nursery/pre-school/childminder, until they start school?! Does your sister's partner work weekends too? If her partner works weekends, then your sister needs to work during the week. Or her partner needs to help facilitate looking after his children by asking for flexible working.

All weekend, every weekend, indefinitely?! Can’t believe anyone would dream of asking this 🤯

She should have considered all of that before having such a massive gap between kids. This isn’t your issue to sort.

Of course YANBU. You're already offering a lot, and don't have to do any of it. This is on her and her partner to take care of the children they chose to have. Hold firm.

You've been more than generous in offering to have them at all. She or her husband will have to rearrange their hours - not your problem so don't feel guilty at all

Offering what you have was kind of you but she is taking the piss asking for more.

i wouldn’t offer childcare for anyone at the weekend (unless it was a one off or an emergency) as I work bloody hard during the week and the weekend is time for me and dh (our children are both adults).

she needs to find a different job that works around her and her partners job so she isn’t relying on others for childcare. I worked evenings for many years to work around my dh’s job, my friend did night shift as both our dh’s were home to look after our children.

YANBU. It’s an insane ask! Your offer was more than generous. Is your sister generally quite an entitled person? Are you a bit of a people pleaser? I’m trying to understand the dynamic where she’d feel comfortable and justified pushing this in this way, as it’s hard to imagine!

You're doing 3 hours of driving a day on top of a full time job? This sounds horrendous just on its own. Is it an independent school or do your children have SEN?

I think weekend babysitting does exist, I'm sure your sister could try sitters.co.uk or similar, or even a childcare student from a local college or a nanny looking for extra hours.

I would like to know who the 1% is that voted the OP is being unreasonable 😂.

Your sister is a cheeky fucker. Was she golden child, by any chance?

Can her eldest and your eldest not split it between them for extra monkey?

as a one off sure you should help but not every weekend for free.