AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's children more?

[GiveItOneMoreDay]

I have 3 children who are 19, 16 and 14. I take the youngest and middle child to school and pick them up each day which is a 45 minutes drive each way, as well as work full time Monday to Friday, finishing late to make up for the time I spend on the school run. My husband also works full time Monday to Friday. Weekdays are very busy for all of us but things are easier now the kids are older. Some weekends we drop the kids to places as there isn’t much public transport here but we have time for our hobbies and going out.

My sister has 3 children aged 20, (at university), 6 and 3. She gave up her job when she had her last child but now wants to return to her career which will require weekend work. The younger two will go to a childminder (oldest will go before and after school) on weekdays but she has asked me to have the children at weekends. I’ve said I will have them for either a Saturday or Sunday every other week or for a whole weekend once a month but I can’t have them every weekend. She is saying she won’t be able to go back to work if I don’t have them as she doesn’t have anyone else. I’ve suggested she looks for a different job or her partner changes his job or hours but she says that’s not possible.

By Friday I really need the weekend to relax. I’m in perimenopause and having lots of symptoms and don’t want to have to work all week and then have young children to look after every weekend. My husband and children don’t want them here every weekend either so we have offered what we can.

Am I being unreasonable to just need weekends to relax and do things for ourselves. Are there any childcare options for couples like my sister and partner who both work weekends?

I find it genuinely fascinating how many of these comments have cropped up. I can only assume a lot of mumsnetters have always lived in cities/towns with decent public transport, and believe that is universal?

For a lot of us there is simply no public transport available that would get our kids to schools, even to their geographically closest schools.

I find it genuinely fascinating how many of these comments have cropped up. I can only assume a lot of mumsnetters have always lived in cities/towns with decent public transport, and believe that is universal?

For a lot of us there is simply no public transport available that would get our kids to schools, even to their geographically closest schools.

That's easier said than done when you need weekend childcare. In some areas this is non-existent as childminders tend to work Monday to Friday.

They would have to find some sort of babysitter or nanny that works weekends, and this often comes at a premium for all day care so could be far more than they earn in a day.

Good for you-report back how it goes!

it's not strictly true

Obviously you need someone you can trust and is safe, that goes without saying, so it takes some research

but for example there are many mums whose husband works all week but is home at the weekend, and these mums are desperate to earn a living and would be delighted to work weekends.

if the sister is really keen to work and is struggling, nothing stops her from becoming a weekend childminder either.

I’m sure there are childminders that work weekends

Your offer is generous, because as said, it might be a eight year commitment and continue after your youngest has flown the nest. I've just looked up weekend nannies in my area and I was surprised that there were so many, £12 an hour. Has her partner got family that could do one day? That would really cut down on costs.

You've offered an alternative solution. Not your problem . She should have thought of childcare before she took the job.

Absolutely YANBU!

She wants to work weekends so that she can have weekdays off, I take it? So why should you look after her kids during your time off? Or is it to avoid paying for childcare?

She needs to work hours that fit with her family arrangements.

I also think your commitment is more generous than it needs to be!

They have kids 6 and 3 and both are going to be working weekends? Nah - they can look after their own kids

I'm sure they'd be delighted but nowadays you need to be registered with Ofsted as a childminder...

In my area, a registered childminder who works weekends is rare!

You only need to register with ofsted as a childminder if you’re looking after other people’s children in your own home. Somebody could babysit the kids in the sister’s home, they wouldn’t need to be registered anywhere.

Not your problem. Look after yourself and your own family. Weekends are a BIG ASK.

It’s a ridiculous request. When are you supposed to have any time off?

I wouldn’t do it all, she can get a childminder or a different job.

What an ignorant comment. Theres nothing wrong with OP choosing to manage her family how she sees fit. I just completed 7 years of driving my 2 boys to their high school, which is miles away from where we live but so much better than the dump across the road. No possibility of using public transport unless we all wanted to be up at 5!! No thanks.
Honestly, OP I'd show her this thread and also withdraw the offer - I don't think you've properly allowed for the encroaching menopause. She obviously needs to get a weekday job and buy childcare like the rest of us. If anyone else in your family criticises you, turn it around on them. As in, Oh great, problem solved, you're volunteering are you? I'll let her know, she'll be thrilled!
Before you know it you'll be expected to offer elderly care too. Its something to do with having tits I think.

Hell no!
You have offered more than I would do.
You have enough on your plate.
i am peri-menopausal and there is no way I’d be offering to look after anybody else’s kids on my two days off, I’m knackered as it is.
I think your sister is being very unreasonable by even asking you, it was her and her husband’s choice to have more children.

She’s very cheeky to demand so much of you! I have a sister who doesn’t have any children herself, lives 10min drive away from me and only has babysat one of my two kids at a time maybe once or twice a year.. they’re 4 and 8. You’re extremely generous with your offer already..

I’m worried about your symptoms (I don’t want to derail the thread but…) have you spoken to you GP about this? I’m sure you have, (I’m beyond perimenopause now) but I recall that in peri I was told that the combination of heavy frequent periods and anaemia was a red flag.
Also, don’t do the childcare. She needs to find a different job. An absolute cheek to ask you!

I think you've been more than generous in offering what you have. Your sister sounds the unreasonable one.

If your sister (and her partner) work weekends presumably they have time off during the week. Has she offered to do school runs for you, or your housework, on the days she's not working? Why does she think you should be busy 7 days a week when presumably she has a couple of days every week when her older child is at school and she isn't at work? You are absolutely reasonable to tell her you can't do any more childcare than you have already (generously) offered.

Has she accepted a job without checking with you first or is she just figuring it out?
You have been very generous. Stick.to your offer. She wants everyone to make changes to accommodate her except her and her partner.

She may not find a childminder too easily either.

Well you are very generous regardless. Most people would definitely not want their sibling's young kids to look after every weekend.

Christ, the cheeky arse of some people. She asked, you say no, then she tries the guilt trip on you even when what you have said you can do is waaaay more than I think anyone on here would put on the table. She chose to have younger children, she can sort out childcare for them and personally even offering one weekend each month is still too much, you will be committed and that will encroach on your family or a bit of you time. Fuck that, and on top of menopause lurking in the shadows, absolutely not. Do what works for you, you are bringing up your own children, leave her to do the same and don't feel no way about it.