AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's children more?

[GiveItOneMoreDay]

I have 3 children who are 19, 16 and 14. I take the youngest and middle child to school and pick them up each day which is a 45 minutes drive each way, as well as work full time Monday to Friday, finishing late to make up for the time I spend on the school run. My husband also works full time Monday to Friday. Weekdays are very busy for all of us but things are easier now the kids are older. Some weekends we drop the kids to places as there isn’t much public transport here but we have time for our hobbies and going out.

My sister has 3 children aged 20, (at university), 6 and 3. She gave up her job when she had her last child but now wants to return to her career which will require weekend work. The younger two will go to a childminder (oldest will go before and after school) on weekdays but she has asked me to have the children at weekends. I’ve said I will have them for either a Saturday or Sunday every other week or for a whole weekend once a month but I can’t have them every weekend. She is saying she won’t be able to go back to work if I don’t have them as she doesn’t have anyone else. I’ve suggested she looks for a different job or her partner changes his job or hours but she says that’s not possible.

By Friday I really need the weekend to relax. I’m in perimenopause and having lots of symptoms and don’t want to have to work all week and then have young children to look after every weekend. My husband and children don’t want them here every weekend either so we have offered what we can.

Am I being unreasonable to just need weekends to relax and do things for ourselves. Are there any childcare options for couples like my sister and partner who both work weekends?

Do you even want to do the childcare that you’ve offered?

Don’t you need down time at the weekend?

”Sorry Jane. On reflection I can’t help with childcare at all as we have busy weekends and need down time from our week at work.”

Sister needs to get a job that works with her children.

The fact she never looked after yours means I’d not feel there was a debt to be repaid.

WTAF no!!

You’ve already offered more than I would have. She just can’t return to that career if her partner also works weekends, it’s not possible and you exhausting yourself providing childcare so she can, is a very unreasonable expectation.

She needs a job that works for her household and with the childcare she can get. You’re not her staff.

I can't believe that your sister expects you to work full time every Monday to Friday and then spend every weekend being a child minder for her two children. When are you supposed to relax? You'd be totally burned out by the end of the first month.

She'll either need to find a childminder who works weekends, employ a weekend nanny or find a new job. It certainly isn't your responsibility to sort this out for her.

That's insane. I'm a single mum and used to often work weekends, guess what, I've had to change jobs to one where I don't have to. That's what people do.

And when do her and her partner actually propose to see their kids, if they're at school (or nursery and soon school) all week and their parents are working all weekend?

YANBU

Who on earth were the 1% who said this was reasonable????

No way. This is utterly ridiculous!

YABU to play the "perimenopause" card

but YANBU for everything else. You are a lot more than generous already! It doesn't matter one bit what you are doing, offering an entire weekend a month is huge.

She can pay for childcare or ask another friends. People have au-pairs, nannies, some nurseries workers are more than happy to earn extra by working weekends...

she's not stuck, she's just a CF expecting free childcare.

You’re being very reasonable with your offer. I love my nieces and nephews but wouldn’t have them for more than a full day a month, especially at their ages.
she needs to change jobs or let their father look after them.

No, I wouldn't commit to this whatsoever. She'll need to find another more suitable job, or pay a child minder to look after her children.

Alternatively, if your oldest kids would be interested in earning some money, your sister could offer them the job and pay them.

I’m not sure why you think perimenopause is irrelevant here? It’s common for it to cause lots of physical, mental and emotional symptoms. I know a few women who’ve gone part time/stepped back from extra responsibilities because they’re finding it tough.

I mean there’s no way the OP should agree to this ridiculous request regardless, but it is reasonable to take her own wellbeing into account.

I wouldn’t have offered as much as you have to be honest. I could see it easily being taken advantage of with her other childcare falling through or some other excuse.
Its her problem to solve and if the children’s other parent doesn’t want to change his hours then she needs to find an alternative job.

Yep, it was reasonable and sensible for OP to mention the symptoms she's experiencing and why they mean weekend rest is a need not a want. Not least because, although this thread has gone quite sensibly, MN contains some posters who are excellent at volunteering other people for things they aren't being expected to do themselves.

Not that this makes any difference (I'm with everyone else - don't do it!), but is she offering to pay you?

Yes but the op can say no, the perimenopause card does not need to have anything to do with it

It is not relevant

Straight off - YANBU

How many hours is she requesting childcare for? Will that include taking them to sports, dancing and the inevitable birthday parties?

Did she offer, to balance it out by driving your kids to and from school on the days she isnt working, to do your laundry, housework, meal prep and shopping?

What exactly is she offering you in return?
How much routine childcare she provided for you would factor into my dm taking too - even though I might not use that when speaking to her.

We work FT mon-fri to have our weekendd free. We dont have capacity to do childcare for 3 and 6 year olds at the weekend. We need to relax, shop, clean, exercise and we cant to all of that on a Sunday without exhuasting ourselves for the coming week.

It’s relevant for me saying no to doing more childcare. It’s not a card.

Hell no!

I’m a bit similar in that my kids are quite a bit older than their cousins, 10 year gap basically, so I have late primary age and my DB has toddlers.

There is no way I would agree to look after my DN for more than a one off. Emergencies of course I’ll help, and I do babysit fairly often, and my kids love seeing them and playing for a couple of hours! Same as my DB does occasional babysitting/pick ups etc for me.

Every weekend, all weekend - absolutely not - and I’m not even full time! It’s insane that anyone would consider it reasonable to ask that. You would have no downtime, no social life, no freedom. Just no!

Wtf. No way! She has to sort out her own childcare arrangements. We all have things we need to sort out before we commit to a new job. They are her kids and her responsibility.

What she means is, she doesn't have anyone willing to give up their weekends for free. She can't guilt trip on this, it is 100% unreasonable.

because, and I am a middle age woman myself, I am getting so bored of hearing about the damn "dreaded perimenopause" for anything and everything 😂

And usually it's nothing but lifestyle related, nothing to do with perimenopause. (as in, men in their life have exactly the same "symptoms" 😂)

but regardless, OP doesn't even need to justify her weekends,
she is doing a massive favour by offering the childcare she is offering, she shouldn't be apologetic about being so generous already.

I would be be really concerned if my husband started having my symptoms but I’ll be sure to ask him if he’s been bleeding heavily every 2-3 weeks from his vagina and is suffering with anaemia due to that. 🤔

You're being very generous, more generous than I would be. Weekends are yours to do with whatever you want. She's being ridiculous even asking you, that's crazy.

God!!
I think you have already offered far more than you will find sustainable.. and she's had the cheek to demand you working 7 days a week effectively.

Be very careful because she sees you are obliged to offer her free childcare at the drop of a hat..for an extended period. She sounds like a give her an inch and she will take a mile kind of person. It will always be presented as an extreme emergency.. you will be the ONLY choice she has and of course the children LOVE you. You are their Aunt.. you MUST do this otherwise she can't do a, b, c, and e.

Watch out for the school holidays. She will be knocking at your door and the more you do, the more she will want because you will have become the very easy, free, no obligation option. Why would she even have any incentive to find something else, since she has already displayed a grandiose sense of entitlement, in rejecting your more than generous offer, in favour of an outlandish ask.

I actually think you should take back the offer and use some of the suggestions on here of where she could find alternatives.

You are going to have to stand very firm with this one or she will keep pushing until it overtakes your current way of living ... and your own family's. Which is sad because I bet if there was no actual pressure that you wouldn't mind having your DNs over occasionally, and you can.. but not until Sis has caved.

Totally agree with this.

if you don't want to do childcare because you have your periods, no one is saying you should!

I was referring about the everlasting list of perimenopause "symptoms" that is used for anything and everything, and I stand by my point.

But I also still think you are very generous, and you don't need to bring any reasons. Instead of saying "i am sorry I can only.." , you should be saying "lucky you, I can help with 1 weekend a month"