AIBU to feel hurt after being left out at MIL's funeral?

[SixtyorSomething]

MIL passed away this year after 6 months of palliative care, half of which was in her own home. As we live close by a lot of responsibility fell to me as DH in denial/busy and the rest of the family live in a different part of the country. AIBU to still feel upset that DH and his siblings mentioned all other family members in their eulogies but neither my SIL or I were mentioned? Not looking for thanks but a recognition that we are part of the family that we've allegedly been part of for decades. I'm especially hurt because I also asked 3 times if everyone had been included in the family photo board on display at the wake when again neither of us was on there.
It seemed trivial and petty to raise it at the time with everything that everyone was dealing with. However now MIL house needs clearing and my resentment is building over this as I'm expected once again to step forward. So AIBU to raise it now or is it time to grow up and move on?

Sorry OP. Absolutely don't clear the house. They can do it themselves and explain why.

That is hurtful. You need to sit down and have a conversation with your DH about this. Not acceptable.

It depends how it was worded and who the "family members" are.

If I thank family members for something, it wouldn't occur to me to mention DH because we are a couple, and I kind of speak on behalf of both of us if that makes sense. It would be weird if DH was mentioning my name at his own mums' funeral, why should he?

For the family photo board, again it depends a bit who else is there. If it's the children and grand-children of said MIL, as a DIL I wouldn't expect to be included either.

You are a good person for looking after your MIL in you DH's stead. It's very disappointing that you and SIL (I'm guessing she's married to your DH's brother?) were not thanked publicly when others, who possibly did less, were named.
It's crazy but, even if you've been married for decades, some people will still see you as in-laws and not count you as 'real' family even though clearly you have helped as much as any daughter.
Regarding the house cleaning, perhaps you'll be 'busy' then like your DH was when you were caring for his DM?

Agree. Do not clear the house. Say it should be done by family. If they tell you that you're family - including your husband - then you point out the above and say it doesn't look like it.

If you feel slighted then don't help with the house clearing.

Think you were right not to raise it at the time as yes, it would have been seen as petty and trivial (but definitely isn't!). People forget all kinds of stuff when they are grieving. BUT, I wouldn't help clear the house, or clean it when it's empty either. I'd say that I was busy, that I wouldn't know what to keep, or that it's an emotional task and process that is important for children to go through. Be there when husbands etc come home from it, cook a nice tea, give a hug - whatever. But stand back from the death admin.

Working in the funeral industry I know the local clergy and the a lot of celibrants. They would definitely have asked who to mention during the service. So it was deliberate.

Therefore I would be telling everyone that as I wasn't important enough to mention at the funeral, I'm not important enough to clear the house

My MIL isn’t well and I don’t expect to be remembered in her eulogy and I’ve been in the family for over 30 years and we get on well. However her own daughter and her husband are doing the lion’s share of the caring. I would absolutely be hurt in your shoes though and I think it is outrageous given your involvement in her care that that weren’t acknowledged.

I don’t think I’d raise it, beyond to my husband. What’s done is done. But nor was would I help with her house. If it is anything like my MILs it’s is neat and tidy, but absolutely bursting with sale items (think crockery, clothes, Manchester) bought over 50 years ago and stuffed in cupboards. Preparing it for sale is no small job. They can pay someone to do it.

Is your SIL also pissed off? Or just you?

Not a chance I'd be clearing any house OP.
Tell them you've done your bit and now it's their turn.

How long ago was the funeral?

Just tell them your not comfortable clearing your mils house, her children need to do it. Happened to me I looked after MIL when she was dying by myself as her children were all in denial until I got her into a hospice, then they expected me to clear her house and didn't even acknowledge what I had done for her Like no.

I think you have every reason to be offended. You asked three times about the photograph so no matter how stunned and grieving they were, they must have known it was very insensitive of them not to recognise your input. They had six months to get used to the idea of her death and must have been aware how much you were doing for her. Frankly, I wouldn't lift a finger to help with house clearing. You know you won't get any appreciation or thanks.

Do not clear the house.

I agree with the posters above.

I’m not very eloquent at explaining myself (IKWIM) but at least it’s both you and SIL and not just one of you excluded.

I don’t want to second guess as there’s so many emotions at this time but I would take a step back and when it comes to sorting out things it’s your DH and his DB who are centre and sorting.

I am sorry for your loss. Perhaps you and SIL (if you are close) go and spend an afternoon together doing something restorative/ special

Well your husband can't be "in denial" over a house needing to be cleared. I'd step back and leave them to it OP, sounds like there's enough of them to make a plan among themselves, or pay a company to do it.

What was your relationship like with your MIL? Close and loving

or a long fraught tense history?

I would calmly explain that you don't want to make a difficult time worse but this has really upset you and made you feel excluded, so you need to that a step back and take some time to reflect and recharge. I would also add that you have no regrets about the support that you gave your MIL and no wish to cause conflict in the family - you're just a little burnt out and need to step away.

You need to sit down and talk this through with your DH, this resentment is only going to grow.

He’d just lost his mother, so mistakes at the time can be excused, but it’s not unreasonable to point it out and explain your hurt.

You are not being unreasonable. It was thoughtless of them but people do thoughtless things when they are grieving. It also wasn't fair of them to let so much of her care fall to you. Don't get involved in clearing the house. It's a very emotional task that often involves some level of conflict. They won't thank you for it.

I'd leave them to it. If anyone asks you to help, just say that as you weren't family enough to be mentioned at the funeral after the care you provided, you are not family enough to clear the house.

YANBU Just tell them straight that you've done enough, it wasn't appreciated & you're not doing any more. Stand firm & make it clear there is no debate on this.

As others have suggested, I'd simply say that the house clearing is a family thing. If they say 'but you're family' just say "I wasn't classed as family at her funeral"

In a practical sense, you're not going to know which of her possessions have meaning to her children. So the alternative is to say that, and that you'd be worried about throwing out things that they'd want so you're going to leave then to it.

That's also good. And in fairness, after the loss of my husband, I made some really poor decisions re his funeral. I look back and wince, and wish I could have done things differently. But grief messes with your thinking.