AIBU to feel hurt after being left out at MIL's funeral?

[SixtyorSomething]

MIL passed away this year after 6 months of palliative care, half of which was in her own home. As we live close by a lot of responsibility fell to me as DH in denial/busy and the rest of the family live in a different part of the country. AIBU to still feel upset that DH and his siblings mentioned all other family members in their eulogies but neither my SIL or I were mentioned? Not looking for thanks but a recognition that we are part of the family that we've allegedly been part of for decades. I'm especially hurt because I also asked 3 times if everyone had been included in the family photo board on display at the wake when again neither of us was on there.
It seemed trivial and petty to raise it at the time with everything that everyone was dealing with. However now MIL house needs clearing and my resentment is building over this as I'm expected once again to step forward. So AIBU to raise it now or is it time to grow up and move on?

I'd absolutely raise it.

It's sad that there are families that, somehow, don't really accept you in ways and things that matters, and show that you're as important as their children and grandchildren.

Have you spoken to your sister in law about how she feels about it?

Don't clear the house, leave it to "family " , It's shitty that you were not mentioned , have you asked dh about it? Funerals are tough and sometimes people don't think outside of the family of origin I wouldn't take it to heart to much but do ask dh , just so resentment doesn't build up.when fil died my husband was telling me the arrangements and it stung when he said "and the family are coming on Wednesday to wake and you can come too" I did say oh am I not family? I felt like an outsider .

Forget about helping out with the house clearance. Why didn't your DH mention you - very strange.

Your disappointment is understandable.
Do you think your DH and siblings knew what you were doing, but as they did not actually see it/ experience it, that it wasn’t as real for them. They may have been in a mode of thinking of growing up being her children, overlooking more adult relationships. Not an excuse but a possible reason.
As for house clearing, unless you are a main beneficiary , stay clear. You can’t anticipate emotional attachment to seemingly trivial items, and don’t want to get accused of getting rid of something precious, which to anyone else is a piece of tat.

I think when you're grieving everything hurts a bit more. Some people also get really absent minded. After my mum passed I realised none of our partners were mentioned in her death notice my dad had just forgotten he was so stressed out at the time.
You sound like a lovely daughter in law and I hope it was just an oversight on their part. I'm sorry for your loss.

I give people a lot of leeway when they are very recently bereaved, I would prefer to assume a momentary lapse in memory or judgement rather than assuming they were being deliberately cruel.
But I wouldn't feel very motivated to get involved with the house clearance either.

Ooh yes, if be completely truthful.
"I was very hurt by being excluded from the family board and in the eulogies. You made it clear that you don't consider me part of MIL's family, so I won't be assisting with the grunt work of clearing her house"
I would, however, say this AFTER you've taken a small memory from her house if there is something there you wish to remember her by.

That is upsetting. Let them clear the house.

Totally agree.

I think quiet quitting is needed here. U you pure been excluded when other friends etc were explicitly mentioned so natural to feel hurt - found myself in a very similar situation. I wouldn’t address it with anyone because it might be seen as being unreasonable when it’s not you who has lost a parent. But you don’t have to be involved in the organising or doing anything connected with clearing the house. They are all adults. They need to find the time

Yes. Also, it’s clearly that the OP did far too much for some reason, and is over-focused on being mentioned in the eulogy and being on the photo board. It’s always like that when someone’s over-focused on some mention.

I’ve been in my MiL’s life since 1992, but I won’t be doing any caring, and would be surprised to be mentioned in her eulogy — she had twelve siblings, has five children, sixteen grand children, and six great-grandchildren, so a DIL would be far down the list.

Caring for someone in their last months of life is up there with the most intimate things we can do for one another. I haven't been to a funeral when palliative care was involved, that the social care and medical professionals weren't mentioned or thanked, even if they were only involved in the final weeks.

You have every right to feel upset.

Does your husband generally value the contributions you make to the family or is this out of character?

I'm another who think you should step back from clearing the house. You've already done more than your fair share of work, with no thanks, so don't offer to do any more.

You don't say what your DH thinks because surely you raised the matter with him? He would know more than anyone what you did for his mother. Wonder if there's some guilt there from his family?

i agree it is their duty to clear the house

I'd feel hurt just like you do ... so I think this.

You have a right to be hurt. I think this is quite common though. Don’t help clear the house!!! If they ask why, tell them including DH. His involved was he in the funeral arrangements. It might be that he took a back seat and allowed others to write the eulogy of just didn’t think and just agreed with it when he saw it.

That is good.