AIBU to feel hurt after being left out at MIL's funeral?

[SixtyorSomething]

MIL passed away this year after 6 months of palliative care, half of which was in her own home. As we live close by a lot of responsibility fell to me as DH in denial/busy and the rest of the family live in a different part of the country. AIBU to still feel upset that DH and his siblings mentioned all other family members in their eulogies but neither my SIL or I were mentioned? Not looking for thanks but a recognition that we are part of the family that we've allegedly been part of for decades. I'm especially hurt because I also asked 3 times if everyone had been included in the family photo board on display at the wake when again neither of us was on there.
It seemed trivial and petty to raise it at the time with everything that everyone was dealing with. However now MIL house needs clearing and my resentment is building over this as I'm expected once again to step forward. So AIBU to raise it now or is it time to grow up and move on?

Exactly this, and if they call you petty say if they treat you like an agency carer then clearing houses isn't part of the job description

I agree with this tbh. He was too busy “ in
denial” to care for his mother. I’m sorry, but we all go through illness, grief etc with our parents and you have to step up whether you want to or not. He basically left it all to OP then took the credit. I wouldn’t be clearing the house. That’s for family members to decide what happens to all the stuff, before OP gets blamed for getting rid of things other people wanted to keep.

Don’t clear the house. Why would it fall to you?!

I wouldn’t care if I wasn’t mentioned in my MIL’s eulogy, but I hardly have a relationship with her. You are not being unreasonable, but people do strange things when they’re grieving.

Do not help them to clear MIL's house. You seem to be considered close family when there is work to be done but not considered close family when thanks and recognition are being handed out.

It either really thoughtless of your DH and the rest of the family that have benefitted from your hard work or it is a deliberate snub.

I said yanbu - but thinking again, I think it depends on whether the family (and your bloody dh, who is the one most at fault for outsourcing his care to you and failing to make sure you were mentioned in the eulogy) have privately expressed their gratitude in a way that felt sincere and sufficient.

I think it's possible that, when writing the eulogy, they were just fixated on 'is survived by her son, daughter'-type family members and it was not deliberate.

So the question is, are they all exploitative ungrateful wankers?

As an aside, how does your DH explain to himself and you why he thinks it's your job to clear the house? He sounds like an exploitative ungrateful wanker...

“I will just leave the immediate family to clear out the house as there will no doubt sentimental stuff etc and it’s only right for the family to sort/clear/keep”

Something similar happened with my friend. She was looking after her dying grandmother for months, but a cousin helicoptered in and took over for the last couple of days. Everyone was talking about how great she was, but friend wasn't mentioned.

A few months ago now. Our relationship was normal, respectful and caring, not like mother and daughter close but I'd say we were good friends and genuinely cared for each other over the past 40+ years. Much closer in the last stages of her life of course, and that's why I wonder if I am seeing this all out of proportion

Frankly in the ops position grief is no excuse. They weren’t the ones doing the caring, they have no right to use their grief at mils death as an excuse for excluding the ones who did care enough.

like others say op, I would not be part of clearing the house. For family I’d say it should be family, you all made it quite clear I’m not. For dh I’d be a lot more clear!!

I don’t think it’s trivial.

Honestly, I'd let it go. Lovely that you were close but I think it's OK they focused on her birth / immediate family

I've not been to a funeral where ILs are mentioned. It's not about you. It's about the immediate family of the deceased.

It's not about thanks for that period alone, it's not being mentioned at all (along with no mention of SIL) when it was DH and other family members who said their own words. I don't want to misrepresent him, he did what he could I just had more availability and understanding of what she needed at the time. Being thanked for that part isn't what I'm asking about. It was not being mentioned at all when people were mentioned (family and friends) some of whom hadn't been near MIL in ages....I don't know. Maybe I'm making too much of this.....

Who days they're using it as an excuse? At this point who knows how they're thinking?

My point was that it's easy to get something wrong when your grieving. My most intense regret is that one of my decisions back then hurt my own daughter, who I love deeply. But my brain seemed to not be capable of making rational decisions. So if I could get it wrong for my own, equally grieving child, I can well understand an in law being forgotten.

But having said that, I've posted earlier on this thread that she should not get involved in the house clearance and I still maintain that. She's allowed to feel hurt, just as my daughter was.

Really? What a compassionate thing to say to a grieving family.
I know it's drummed into everyone these days that they are the most important person, their feelings trump everyone else's and boundaries, bloody boundaries, and we're encouraged to navel gaze about 'trauma' but seriously? Does anyone think this is a remotely appropriate thing to say??

I am an only DC so slightly different situation but DH has done so much for my DPs that when the time comes, I would absolutely make sure he is mentioned in any eulogies.

I wouldn’t say anything, but I would step back from the house clearance. You shouldn’t have to do it anyway as even if other siblings live further away normally, they are there for the funeral and could collect anything they want and then organise for a van to take the rest.

That's awful. You are only remembered when your labour is needed it seems.

Do not clear out the house. You have done more than most, the siblings need to fo it now.

I understand why you felt hurt - good enough to do the work but not to be acknowledged. Fair enough not to do any of the house clearing (it's a huge job, ask me how I know!)

I think you can seperate it in your mind and say you did the care for MIL herself. But the clearance is for the benefit of the estate so the executors and beneficiaries need to sort it out between themselves.

When my BIL died I did help my husband (executor) clear the house and deal with some other stuff BUT (a) I know he really appreciated that and (b) fluffy condolences and hugs aren't his love language so it was my way of supporting him in his grief, and I know he appreciated that too. If I was just expected to do it like a free skivvy I'd have told him to fuck off, grief or no grief.

I agree with this. Step back and do not help them.

I would say that since you took on so much of the emotional care of your MiL during her illness you do not feel that you have anything left emotionally and clearing out her personal effects would raise too many memories and be too much for you, so the ungrateful entitled family can jog on.

Really good advice from @Comesround - follow that. And to answer your specific questions - no, you're definitely not being unreasonable to feel hurt. Anyone would in the same circumstances.