AIBU to feel hurt after being left out at MIL's funeral?

[SixtyorSomething]

MIL passed away this year after 6 months of palliative care, half of which was in her own home. As we live close by a lot of responsibility fell to me as DH in denial/busy and the rest of the family live in a different part of the country. AIBU to still feel upset that DH and his siblings mentioned all other family members in their eulogies but neither my SIL or I were mentioned? Not looking for thanks but a recognition that we are part of the family that we've allegedly been part of for decades. I'm especially hurt because I also asked 3 times if everyone had been included in the family photo board on display at the wake when again neither of us was on there.
It seemed trivial and petty to raise it at the time with everything that everyone was dealing with. However now MIL house needs clearing and my resentment is building over this as I'm expected once again to step forward. So AIBU to raise it now or is it time to grow up and move on?

I wouldn’t bring up the funeral as that’ll only cause bad feeling and get you nowhere. However, I wouldn’t be offering to clear the house. That’s a job for her children and if they live in different parts of the country then they all need to coordinate a free weekend and do it together so it doesn’t fall to your DH on his own. You’ve helped enough already.

I can't remember if my sil was mentioned in the eulogy but my mum wore 3 rings daily and our brother's said my sister and I could have them. We decided that our sil should be included as she was as much part of the family as we we were.

You are not being petty or trivial. You absolutely should have been on the family photograph. I guess your husband has shown you how important your feelings are to him, sorry.

Grief is awful but this sounds like a parent of an age where it isn’t considered a complete shock. I do believe that most people can still function and consider other people’s feelings even when in the toughest of times. You were hardly asking for the earth were you? I suppose you have to decide what to do next.

Funerals are partly for the surviving family and friends to help with grieving. I would have be en hurt not to have been mentioned i for the help and support I provided in either category. I wouldn't go along with the expectation that you will cleaning and cleaning the house ffrom top to bottom for her beneficiaries to benefit from . Get the contact number of professional firms who do this for a few, I. Case you are asked.

You need to speak up or this will eat up at you. As others have said do not do anything regarding the house.

That's super mean !.
When my father in law passed I was mentioned because I was part of his family 😔 and so should you and sister in law been included .
I wouldn't do the house and say why they should be ashamed there's just no need for that kind of pettiness when someone dies
Big hugs 🤗

I wouldnt say anything but if they ask or expect you to do it including your husband say im sorry im really busy, i gave up a lot of time earlier in the year caring for MIL who i loved dearly and theres stuff i need to do for me now and catch up on

You are not being silly you are being ignored and used and your grief is being ignored

Also, I would perhaps give them a very slight out for grief, that they forgot to thank you both, HOWEVER, they now want you two skivvys to clear the house.🙄🤨

That makes me think they know EXACTLY what they are doing, don't have an ounce of regard or respect for either of you, and think you are both complete doormats and mugs.

You sound like a very nice kind woman whom has been taken completely advantage of, not least by your husband.
Definitely time to wake up and see your self worth.

I agree about not doing the house clearing. Just quietly assume it’s nothing to do with you. If directly asked your first response should be a breezy “I looked after you mum for months, I’ve done my bit thank you”.

I think caring for your MIL was a lovely thing to do and you can always hold your head up high that you did that. But house clearing is doing unpaid labour for a bunch of relatives roughly the same age as you who will get a pay day out of it. Their time is not more valuable than yours. Simple no from me.

if your DH ends up struggling with it all himself and reaches out to you for help, then I probably would mention not being named etc in the eulogies - how it’s interesting that you are taken for granted/invisible in one scenario but named and volunteered in another!

You are not thinking too much of it
If they mentioned people that had no input with her for ages and not you at all thats bad.
Do not help with the house at all.

It’s not your place to clear MIL’s belongings, that sits with her children.
You have no idea of what could be sentimental or hand downs from her family.
Clearing out is part of the grieving process that MIL’s DCs should experience.
Years from now you don’t want to be accused of taking or throwing away something of PILs.
Side step it - will they be clearing your parents’ house- thought not

People are saying don’t clear the house and I completely agree but remember why you’re not doing it. One of those reasons is she is gone and you are not helping her or showing your mother in law love by clearing her house. You’re just being used as a dog’s body by this not very nice family

Yes I would. How I'd deliver the message would be more nuanced depending on the actual situation at the time, but the core message would be the same.

Agree 💯

Don't do it.

Incredibly hurtful to leave you and SIL out of the family photos.

Let them sort the house out. And that’s regardless of whether you were named as a family member. All partners / husbands etc of siblings etc were named in my mum’s eulogy as they are part of the family.

This.

Agree

If you talk to your husband and he apologises, he'll expect you to continue to take responsibility for his family tasks, so you'll end up clearing the house, with a pat on the back from him.

I think he's shown you that he takes it for granted that you do the heavy lifting in his family. You should tell him that you won't help with the house clearance at all, your MIL wouldn't like it as you're not direct family. Suggest that some of the family members who he thanked in his eulogy would surely be happy to continue to support him.

Stay strong- it's a huge job.

I came on to say a very similar thing.

As a DIL you are often damned if you do, and damned if you don't. It sounds like you and her got along, which is very nice, but the family don't appreciate what you did.

I would absolutely say what GMC has put, the tone of which you can adjust depending on how you want it to come across of course.

There is no way I would do it. Your MIL is no longer here, so you can't hurt her feelings. If you clear it out you will be just carrying on being an unpaid mug for your in-laws.

OP, that is appalling. My mum died this year and my DH and my SIL, along with me and my DB all did a lot to help. I had everyone mentioned and all of my mum's GC as well.

This. I absolutely would not clear the house.

House clearing days....just make sure you're busy & unavailable.

40years and not even a word of mention? F that. They can all get stuffed and clean the house themselves! Who leaves out the IL’s?

Your brothers said you and your sister “could” have the rings or that you “should” have the rings. There is a difference!