AIBU to feel hurt after being left out at MIL's funeral?

[SixtyorSomething]

MIL passed away this year after 6 months of palliative care, half of which was in her own home. As we live close by a lot of responsibility fell to me as DH in denial/busy and the rest of the family live in a different part of the country. AIBU to still feel upset that DH and his siblings mentioned all other family members in their eulogies but neither my SIL or I were mentioned? Not looking for thanks but a recognition that we are part of the family that we've allegedly been part of for decades. I'm especially hurt because I also asked 3 times if everyone had been included in the family photo board on display at the wake when again neither of us was on there.
It seemed trivial and petty to raise it at the time with everything that everyone was dealing with. However now MIL house needs clearing and my resentment is building over this as I'm expected once again to step forward. So AIBU to raise it now or is it time to grow up and move on?

Precisely. I would simply not assume you are doing it. You haven't been asked. Say to your husband if asked, you will be saying no. If he asks why, say it's deeply personal items and you wouldn't want to make a mistake/there may be items covered in the will etc. Don't bring up the funeral, be the bigger person. Stop taking on responsibility without being asked. Have that as your boundary. Never explain either beyond anything short. You dont need to. Also numerous rows between relatives when clearing houses - stay well away or you will be the person they blame. Who is executor of the will btw? Because if there is one, they should be organising the house clearance. I'm sorry you were slighted at the funeral. I wasn't mentioned in my Dad's eulogy by a friend of Dad's, my brother organised it . It's heartbreaking for you when you are the one that has stepped up. But you know you did that OP, as a caring responsible person. You didn't have to. Yet you did x

When DH's parents moved into retirement accommodation he cleared their house and I helped a little bit. When my parents need their house cleared, my brother and I will do it.

So I wouldn't clear their house OP. Not particularly because of what happened at the funeral but just because I think it's up to your DH and his siblings to step up. You've already done more than your fair share.

As we live close by a lot of responsibility fell to me as DH in denial/busy

This was your first mistake @SixtyorSomething - why does DH get to be too busy to deal with his dying mother but you don't?

Now you know what he thinks of you. what you do about it is your decision. But don't ever let him get out of adulting again............

People are very emotional at such times. Do cut then some slack.

I wouldn't clear the house @SixtyorSomethingyou will be blamed for things going missing .

Has she left you anything in the will - because that would be more telling than those idiots' attitude.

You have every right to feel upset. Looking after a dying relative (even in a care home) is a huge burden. Whilst distant family members may not be aware of how much you did, your DH was. Have you spoken to him about it? At best their lack of acknowledgement is thoughtless and selfish and they will be organising the house clearance.

Yes that would be hurtful. However I’d let it go. People don’t think straight when their mum has just died.

Tricky one. Has your DH expressed gratitude that you cared for his mother at the end of her life at all either during or after she passed? Or was it just assumed that was your job like the house clearing seems to be?

It's a strange oversight but not worth dwelling on. OTOH, no, I would not be clearing her house. Her children should do that.

I think you and your SIL did a lovely thing for your MIL.. giving her your personal care and attention at a time when she really needed it.
You don't need to be thanked for that, but it would have been nice if they had. You took some of the burden off her children.

Setting that aside. Your service was to help MIL as a person. She has gone.. Clearing the house is just caretaking the siblings inheritance. There's no personal urgency. They can very well do that themselves. They all no doubt have annual leave.
Don't be guilt tripped into it and yes I think you really should mention this to your DH.

I would do as @LarryForPrimeMinister advises. Presumably you're not an executor either and I genuinely don't think it's appropriate for you to clear the house.

I think it would be OK to tell your DH at some point that you were hurt not to be mentioned as a family member at her funeral. You clearly were and are a family member who did a lot for her.

This is sage advice. "Clearing the house is just caretaking the siblings inheritance" - sums it up perfectly.

I'm sure your MIL appreciated all your help and support which is the main thing. would now say, not nastily but quite firmly, that it is up to 'family' to clear the property and clean it. If they say that includes you then mention what happened, otherwise just walk calmly away.
I would suggest you and your SIL take yourselves away for a spa break/theatre trip and dinner/very swanky afternoon tea and shopping trip (or whatever rocks your boat)as a private reward for services rendered. Preferably while the rest of the thankless bunch are donning their Marigolds for the big clean. If they are coming from away then they can stay in the house while they do it, hubby can no longer be in denial so could be in charge of the cleaning opertion.
You say is it time to grow up and move on, yes, it most definitely is - in the opposite direction.

@SixtyorSomething
Do not clean the house and speak to your husband about his so called "but not quite as you married in" family
Also feeling for your SIL which reinforces everything you've spoken of twice over
If they do have the nerve to ask you itll be for their benefit as they'll sell it on and you'll not see a penny personally
So stick to your guns
You were never there just to do the difficult and demanding work
Even though you did

and be looked down upon as you were so
Perhaps reach out to your SIL?
Seems you're both in the same stable
And could be there for eachother

I have had similar happen to me and I was very upset and hurt about it.

I wouldn’t say anything to anyone for now, just quietly step back.

Once the dust has settled and everyone is getting over their initial grief then you could possibly say something then.

In my case, I have never said anything to anyone. I feel a lot less upset about it now and know that it was just thoughtlessness and nothing more than that and if I was to mention anything now, those involved would be mortified they had upset me.

I think it depends on what was said in the eulogies.

Normally a eulogy which can be done by a celebrant is about the deceased's life with usually just children and very close friends mentioned, their jobs, hobbies etc.

I have never attended a funeral where family members have been thanked for looking after the deceased.

Clearing the house is just caretaking the siblings inheritance.

Well put @DuckbilledSplatterPuff and that's another reason not to get involved as people can be weird about stuff. My FIL's siblings, for example, had a huge row when they were clearing his late mother's house, because his sister said that she'd like to keep certain non-valuable items for sentimental reasons. Another brother objected and it all kicked off apparently.

Don't touch anything, they can sort it out amongst themselves.

That is hurtful yes, I’ve never heard of SIL/DIL left out of an eulogy before. You should have been included especially after doing so much care.
Definitely wash your hands of house clearing, they can do it themselves or pay someone

I did mention all the in laws at DHs funeral, but a lot of people think only blood family need to be mentioned.

I can’t honestly say it would bother me though.

Normally a eulogy which can be done by a celebrant is about the deceased's life with usually just children and very close friends mentioned, their jobs, hobbies etc.

IME, it is very common to say "...then Mary welcomed Jane and Sue into her family and then the Grandchildren she adored - Jack, Tom, Lauren and Emily came along". I'd find it very strange for a DiL not to be mentioned, potentially unless she later ran off with the milkman and abandoned the dc or something.

I have never attended a funeral where family members have been thanked for looking after the deceased
I have - particularly where there has been a drawn out illness before death. Sometimes paid carers, sometimes family members.

The people who were pictured on the family photo board can clear the house together

No, you aren't. Your DH was, at the very least, thoughtless.

Has he ever thanked you for the care you gave to his mum? If not, he 's taking your time and labour for granted. If so, he should have reiterated his appreciation for everything you did at the funeral.

Eithelr way, leave DH and his brother to it when it comes to clearing the house. Tell him you've done your share and want to move on.

I would have a chat with your DH. Ask him how he’s coping emotionally since his DM passed away and if you think the timing is right, just say to him that a couple of things happen at the funeral that upset you.
Would you have been acknowledged if you were a blood member of the family rather than an in-law? I think you would have been.
Well done to you for looking after your MIL. Hold your head up high-you did the right thing. And leave your in-laws to the house clearance.

I'm in the minority who think that YABU UNLESS there is more of a backstory. I certainly don't think you are obliged to do the housecleaning, and I do get the impression that some of your problem may really be that your dh has been offloading care and administrative duties for his mother onto you, either because he couldn't cope mentally with his mother's terminal illness (somewhat excusable) or because he thinks of it as 'wifework' (not at all excusable). But i don't think that your decisions should be based on perceived or actual slights at a funeral, This is likely to have been a devastating situation, where people were unable to think straight due to grief; nd it is understandable, though not ideally polite, that the children of your MIL may have been acknowledging each other in their pain and not thinking as much about acknowledging spouses who were not so directly bereaved.