AIBU to feel hurt after being left out at MIL's funeral?

[SixtyorSomething]

MIL passed away this year after 6 months of palliative care, half of which was in her own home. As we live close by a lot of responsibility fell to me as DH in denial/busy and the rest of the family live in a different part of the country. AIBU to still feel upset that DH and his siblings mentioned all other family members in their eulogies but neither my SIL or I were mentioned? Not looking for thanks but a recognition that we are part of the family that we've allegedly been part of for decades. I'm especially hurt because I also asked 3 times if everyone had been included in the family photo board on display at the wake when again neither of us was on there.
It seemed trivial and petty to raise it at the time with everything that everyone was dealing with. However now MIL house needs clearing and my resentment is building over this as I'm expected once again to step forward. So AIBU to raise it now or is it time to grow up and move on?

You were right not to mention your being left out at the funeral.

I agree with the previous posters not to become involved in clearing the house. I organized the clearance of my grandmothers house when she left the contents to me. Many items were valuable and went to auction. However there was also the clutter of years and sorting through it (especially her clothes) was heart rending. I paid a professional house cleaner after I had removed all the saleable items. You can avoid a family row (as another poster had suggested) by claiming that you need to step back and drop the rope after the trauma of caring for the lady.

Don't clear the house. They may be grieving but to overlook how much you cared for her is very revealing. If you are not sufficiently family to be mentioned, then you are not sufficiently family to do the heavy loading, dusty grunt work of house clearance.

I totally disagree with this. I've been married to DH for 30 years. I have contributed physically, emotionally and financially to his mother's wellbeing, sometimes when her own children have been unable / unwilling to do so. I am part of her family, and she loves me, as I love her. I would be hugely hurt if I was excluded from any remembrance event.

Edited to add - I don't mean that I disagree that all the funerals you have been to have not mentioned in-laws - I mean I disagree that in-laws are not a part of the family.

This! Far better to be honest and explain how and why you are hurt than to be stroppy about it.

plus you could make it clear in a nice way that you’ve done more than your fair share of supporting while mil was alive, their turn now

Grief is a bitch and affects people in different ways. Having said that - absolutely do not clear the house. You stepped up for their mother when they couldn't be bothered. The least they can do is empty the house.

Quite simply, don’t clear the house. Just don’t. Just don’t engage in conversation about it, don’t ask your husband when is the clear out organised for, don’t commit up helping him do this, just quietly don’t take part in it.

We almost forgot to include my dad’s half of the family in my mother’s death announcement and forgot to include photos of her friends in the video we played which I really regret. But it’s difficult to think logically. I think you’re being a bit daft if they haven’t done it maliciously.

Obviously @SixtyorSomething wouldn't know what was to be kept & what to give to charity etc, re house clearing. The smallest things can have memories whereas a cooker etc wouldn't.
MUCH better to say that & step back..

Plus, MIL knows what you did for her. I'm sure she was grateful for easing her last months.

@Sookisssss Yes, that reminds me of my Nan & Mum when my Grandad died, they completely forgot to put 'Grandad' on his headstone, just husband & Dad. No worries! As you say, it wasn't done maliciously, just the huge grief.

I would be hurt too Op - you and your SIL are part of the family and at the very least mentioned and included in the family photos. I would step away from the cleaning the house - just because they don't live near doesn't mean they can't do it - weekends and holidays exist! I think your DH has also let you down so maybe he can clean the house!

I dont think YABU to be upset about not being mentioned/included in your MIL eulogy particularly as you cared for her and became close to her.
I thnk you were wise not to mention it at the time as when everyone is seeing everything through the filter of grief ,clarity is lacking and anger quick to rise.
Could you discuss your feeling with your DH by explaining you felt sad not to be mentioned/included and could he explain why that was?
As for the house clearance, if demands for help are happening ,you could say you arent able to help and explain why.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Your DH spoke at the funeral and didn't even mention you? That's awful considering all you did for his mother. It could even have been an 'OP and I spent a lot of time with mum at the end and we'll both miss her' kind of thing. Doesn't have to be a huge outpouring of thanks but just making it clear that you were part of MILs family too. Just a simple acknowledgement of the fact you are part of his family is all that is needed but it's very cold to say nothing.

Perhaps he'd like to gather his siblings who are all so thankful for each other and get them to clear the house. If I was you, OP, I wouldn't be doing it. And I would say why. The problem is, if you do things for people like this, they just expect it and you become invisible and taken for granted.

I’m sorry they did that to you. My in-laws did the same when my MIL died and I was extremely hurt, and if she knew they did it, she’d wallop them! I know she was extremely fond of me. I was part of her life for 35 years.

I think this expresses it very well.

Needless to say, the house clearance falls to them, not you.

I agree with you. Once you marry into a family, you should be part of that, and you did your bit. Yes there are some families that prioritise one side unfairly, and some people who help their blood mum but abandon their MIL, but that isn't you, so what they have done is terrible.
I wouldn't let it upset you now though, or you might regret things-I would have spoken up at the time, but I get that it's difficult, but you had as much right as any daughter/son/DIL etc, and unfortunately it can't be changed now.

OP asked for opinions, this is mine.

It honestly might not have been intentional. A relative died recently and my mother went mad that they contacted my brother to tell him before her. People’s heads are all over the place, it doesn’t really matter about etiquette or names mentioned when a person is gone

Dont make your mil's passing about you. They were thoughtless at a time of grieving

Very odd you and SIL not mentioned.

Extremely hurtful especially given you stepped up to help out so much although it was the right decision not to bring it up. I don't think you should concern yourself too much about helping with the house, nor SIL, if she would usually help too. Could do little bits and pieces but definitely take a step back. I'm sure your late MIL really appreciated you even if the family don't seem to recognise it.

My mum pre-deceased my paternal grandmother and she was named at her funeral as she did so much for her, like a daughter. Same for my husbands grandmother as his stepdad was always on hand to help and is now with his grandfather too.

MILs sister was fuming he was to help carry the coffin and was mentioned. She then put her own husband forward to help carry despite him nor her hardly bothering with either of them.

I think death and funerals sometimes highlights people's own realisation that they were family in name but didn't really act like it.

This is good advice.

I’ve done 2 house clearances. They crucified me physically. Neither of the deceased were close to me but somehow I got roped in for the first (with a useless family member) because geographically I was nearest.

The 2nd one I did entirely alone. It made me ill.

There was no recognition from the distant families. I still feel very resentful that I gave so much physically & emotionally to such selfish people. I’ll never do it again for anyone. Never.

Adopt an exercise of restraint.
Stand back, keep quiet, don’t volunteer solutions. See what happens.

Yanbu.
They obviously think yours and SIL's role is of unpaid skivvy.

You are extremely foolish if you get involved with clearing the house.

OP, people will treat you as poorly as you allow.

Your husband should have thanked you, but didn't think it necessary.

I suggest you start with him.

You refer to considerable care work for MIL as having ‘fallen’ to you and that it is ‘expected’ for you to now do more work. Quite passive language.

Your work on behalf of your H (who ‘did what he could’, ie prioritised other things in his life) directly facilitated him to continue to work etc as though it wasn’t going on. And other family members too.

Like some other posters I think you have a DH problem.

And a ‘boundaries’ problem, perhaps.

She's not making it about her

I too have done one bedroom flat clearance, in my 20s, for a deceased (tidy, usual amount of stuff) great uncle. With a family member as a favour to them and DH. Did no admin, purely the getting rid of stuff that wasn’t in the will. It was a huge amount of work, 3 solid days

i was exhausted, had an accident on the way home and ended up at A&E!