AIBU to feel hurt after being left out at MIL's funeral?

[SixtyorSomething]

MIL passed away this year after 6 months of palliative care, half of which was in her own home. As we live close by a lot of responsibility fell to me as DH in denial/busy and the rest of the family live in a different part of the country. AIBU to still feel upset that DH and his siblings mentioned all other family members in their eulogies but neither my SIL or I were mentioned? Not looking for thanks but a recognition that we are part of the family that we've allegedly been part of for decades. I'm especially hurt because I also asked 3 times if everyone had been included in the family photo board on display at the wake when again neither of us was on there.
It seemed trivial and petty to raise it at the time with everything that everyone was dealing with. However now MIL house needs clearing and my resentment is building over this as I'm expected once again to step forward. So AIBU to raise it now or is it time to grow up and move on?

Perhaps you can avoid both cleaning house and mentioning your hurt.
Recommend house clearance etc.
and to be blunt make most of having more free time

I wouldn’t clear the house. Say this is a job for family

Should have

💐

It is a bit of a shock when you've spent decades "in" the family as a married in and absolutely done more than your bit to discover that that hasn't elevated your position or even earnt you a thank you at the funeral. It will be an oversight but it is a meaningful one and you're right (particularly if you did a lot of heavy lifting in the final years/months/weeks) to ponder on it. I'd just gently step back, accept that they have been careless with you and leave them to it without saying a word. It does hurt though.

Edit: As others have said, I would not mention the funeral. Funerals are highly charged and you risk being misunderstood and the complaint at a vulnerable time cancelling out your contribution. Don't do that to yourself! Just quietly let them to sort this out. Trust me, sorting out a house is quite a lot of work - charity shop runs/skips/cleaning etc - don't do it for them. This is theirs to do.

You're all grieving in your own ways. Somebody got it wrong and will probably be mortified when they realise in some months time.

Do take anything from her house that is yours if your stuff migrated over there whilst caring for her.

Do clear the fridge so there isn't rotting food left and empty the kitchen bin for the same reason.

Consider clearing the freezer so it can be turned off.

Do cooperate with the NHS re returning equipment.

Do return borrowed things from local friends/ library books.

Consider setting up timers for lights / a radio / TV to make the house look more lived in.

Beyond that clearing an owned house isn't urgent and can be left for a bit till everybody feels up for the challenge.

I think you're probably making a bit too much of the eulogy - they are supposed to be rundowns of the key events/periods/likes of the dead person rather than those around them.

But I think the reason you're doing that is because you're rightly resentful of the huge responsibility you were expected and are still expected to take on, on behalf of your DH. I think you should make yourself heard on that, because it goes to the heart of an injustice within your relationship with DH and thence with his whole family. You're clearly a lovely and generous person, and these others are less so.

And in my experience this kind of thing is the straw that breaks the camels back - I bet that you do more than your fair share of everything and your DH assumes you will do so because you're the woman.

This kind of inequality is so widespread that we often struggle to see it at all - it's just the air that we breathe. But we feel it somewhere. And once we are post-menopausal and our traitorous hormones are no longer making us accept or gloss over, or simply fail to see that injustice, it will out.

I don't think you're unreasonable to take a step back from any more death admin//house clearing. That said, it doesn't sit well with me how much you wanted to be "acknowledged" in the funeral eulogy and in the photos. You helped your MIL because you loved her (or your husband), presumably, not because you wanted external recognition. Let it go.

@independentfriend All sensible suggestions, but I honestly think that her DH should do this instead of the OP. If she gets at all involved, I think it'll set the expectation that she'll do more IYSWIM. Best to keep out of it.

They have made it clear that you are not considered close family. So just say it’s a job for the family and too personal for you to tackle as an outsider. They can’t have it both ways.

Leave it to them and remember your mil in your own way

I totally understand and don't think you should do the clearance. You can just say, it's too much after caring for her to then sort her home.

I know exactly how you feel. We’re a part of their lives for decades and then when we lose them we’re treated like we’re nothing, with no right to feel grief. I wouldn’t get involved in the house clearing unless you want to. If you don’t do it they’ll have to step up and do it themselves. Sorry for your loss @SixtyorSomething

I don't think you are making too much of it at all to be honest, but there is an awful lot of information missing to say why it happened. I think not being in any photos on the photo boards when you've been part of that family for 40 years is awful, but that could be down to your DH not sending in photos, who sorted the photos and arranged it?

They also may not want to acknowledge everything you've done because it doesn't reflect very well on them that they left everything to you to deal with in the first place, on the face of it they've probably been letting people believe that they have been pulling together as a family, when really they've been shirking their responsibility. Publicly acknowledging all you have done for her would be the same as admitting they didn't step up, the sort of people that would sit back and let you deal with it, are the exact sort of people who would never acknowledge everything you've done, and it sounds like that includes your DH to some extent.

Time to step back now.

Agreed.

Apart from OP taking her own stuff home, why on earth would any of these tasks be OP's responsibility?

Her in-laws have made it very clear in an almost deliberate and performative way that they don't value all the hands-on help that OP has provided.

I would be furious and they’d all know about it and could clear the house themselves.

OP should do precisely none of this, apart from collecting any of her own stuff that is there.

I agree with all of this.

Literally the only advice in that post is for her to collect any stuff of her own. So exactly is the 'any if this' that OP shouldn't do?

Did you expand the quote? The PP also suggested she clear the fridge, clear and turn off the freezer, return NHS equipment etc.

Ah. No I didn't. My mistake. Apologies to the pp.

I feel sad on your behalf OP. Not getting so much as a mention to me is appalling. I don’t think it’s usual only to mention blood relatives. Does family exclude spouses? I would have been shocked and upset had I not been mentioned at my inlaws’ funerals. But, like you, I wouldn’t have said anything. I probably would also have kept my hurt inside, unless someone else mentioned it. I bet, however, others attending noticed.

When my own parents died, we took quite a lot of care that we hadn’t forgotten to name who we thought we should in the eulogy. Eulogies are personal and I don’t think they have to be this or that, but to this day, I do hope that someone wasn’t inadvertently missed. But the closest of someone’s family - their son or daughter in law not being included by even the briefest of mentions would suggest to me some sort of rift and I can’t get my head around the simple lack of mention as a life event when her son met and married you.

You are also allowed to grieve. I think re the house clearing I wouldn’t volunteer anything but if you’re asked, take whatever choice that would be best for you as you think about your lovely relationship with your MIL, and take the decision based on how you feel. Sorry for your loss

Exactly. Why is any of that OPs responsibility?

I could have been accidental too. Funeral arranging is really stress. Happened recently with my grandmother. We had a "whole" family photo displayed and someone pointed out that a key relative had not been included. One grandchild was missed in the eulogy as well. It wasn't intentional. If it had been intentional then that would have been different, but I don't think it's worth falling out with family for.