AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

YANBU, but I do think you could say " Your shout this time" or "I'll bag a table while you get the drinks and cake in."

I think it’s a tricky one because different groups and people and families have different rules for this. My in laws would never accept me buying them a drink - they’d see it as wasting my money as they’d rather buy it. They worry about how much of their estate will be lost to IHT.

My mum and her siblings would always buy for their mum since they left home and started earning. But their mum never had a job. Equally my mum doesn’t allow me to buy her drinks because she says its her job to look after me.

My best friend always pays for her Irish mum. But her Arab dad would shove her money back in her bag. There’s no cultural standard anymore

Do you have a lot of money? I can see why she would not offer if you have a lot of money, a house, car etc and she’s just a few years into earning and paying high rents etc.

If it’s bothering you I’d just mention it. ‘You can get this one love, I’ve got every one before now’. They may just not have thought about the roles switching or know when it happens. Or they’re struggling for money.

I can see why you’re upset OP. I like treating my mum when we go out, however interestingly I don’t know if it would cross my husbands mind to do the same if he was to go for coffee with his mum. Is it a son or a daughter you have?
I would just say the same as the poster above and lightly tell them it’s their turn whilst you save a table or similar. Then make a point about it saying how nice it was to be treated at the end.

How are they at Christmas, your birthday - do they treat you then? If they do then maybe that they've gotten into a habit. If not then maybe they need to be reminded that adult relationships mean 'give and take' and not just 'take'.

This is a son or a daughter?
It seems like they are confident in asking you for things maybe ask yourself why you are not confident for asking for something from them? What do you think would happen?

I honestly don’t think my brother has bough my mother a single thing. Like wise my husband has never bought his mum a tea/ coffee/ drink/food out but also would pay his son way.

I regularly buy my mum things and take her away. I last bought her some cute pyjamas. I think it’s a sign of how tightfisted they are.

I just grew up with my parents always paying. They are much wealthier than I will ever be .

I love my parents, it just wouldn't cross my mind to pay as they have so much money and we are scraping by

Depending on how you think it would be received could you say something like About time you treated me for once? Or wait for them to initiate the meet up, and say only if its on you?
Have they never even took you out to treat you on mother's day? A spa treat or afternoon tea?
I think it would low level annoy me too, im not at that stage yet but I was so proud when my son was old enough to make me a cup of tea in the house, and we've 'made' him go halfs once before on his rooster card when he wanted a takeaway.so I really hope one day he takes initiative!

I don't think it's a not loving you thing. It's just a "not realising to do it" thing.

I started doing this when I was well established in life. Tbh I generally let my parents pay as they usually want to, I’d pay for a coffee if it happened to be that I was the one at the counter, but I wouldn’t go out of my way as I know my parents prefer to treat me.

my dad would be mortified if I paid for dinner without asking, he sometimes let’s us pay for a birthday or something, but he prefers treat us.

It’s sad they’ve never offered, even if you’d stop them or don’t need them to. Are they generous in other ways? Are they kind, appreciative?

How old?
Do you still maintain the typical parent / child relationship? If so that’s probably where it comes from, being treated like a child where mum pays for everything.

They just don't realise. They obviously think good of you to meet you all the time for tea and cake! Just tell them it's their turn to pay next time.

We almost always pay but DS has bought lunch very occasionally but I’m the sort that would say come on you tightarse stick your hand in your pocket.

I am very sorry about your diagnosis are you getting some help with processing such difficult news.

Definitely ask them to, families just have habits and unwritten rules and sometimes different family members make the assumption that everyone is happy with the status quo. Frame it as a positive nice thing you want not a criticism, then you have the best chance of it being taken well and leading to the outcome you want. I’d say something like - “i’ve been thinking about what i want from people around me, and i need to feel cared for in little ways. Can you sometimes take me out and treat me to a coffee and a cake please.” They might want the opportunity to do something nice for you and just not realise that is it, especially if you’re well off or they aren’t.

I'm really sorry about your health issue OP.

I honestly don't understand why you end paying for your adult child every time. Having said that the only time my adult DS buys me food or drink when we are out together is on my birthday or Mother's Day. On his birthday I will treat him. But other than that we scrupulously split the bill or pay for our own.

I think your child should be ashamed of themselves and I think you should definitely tell them it's their turn to treat you.

I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis @Pleasant1234 I agree with the way @AutumnClouds has worded things. It’s hard when when our adult children are thoughtless towards us. Even more so for you OP with your illness 💐

Maybe they can’t afford it, and they perceive you to be in a better financial position than them.

Thanks everyone. Diagnosis very fresh and haven’t shared with anyone so appreciate I am not thinking clearly right now.

With regards to money, we are similar, 2 working people in each household. Probably considered poor on Mumsnet but in the area we live in we’re probably doing better than average, cars on the drive, owned homes, holiday each year. I don’t think it’s money, I think it’s just that I’ve always had a stiff upper lip. I e never said no when anyone asks if I’m okay etc. that’s just who I am, I will be okay so to speak, regardless of how hard things have ever gotten I’ve just always held it together and often made a joke of things. It would have been nice for me to be able to say ‘I’ll get them.’ I’ve never even actually said that which is funny really because how dod it even begin then? I can’t remember but it wasn’t me saying anything like ‘I would never let you pay.’ Etc. It’s just been assumed and it kind of stings. I certainly didn’t expect it to be 50/50 but it just would have been nice to have had it offered. Never been offered a meal for my birthday or mother's day for those that asked but that doesn’t bother me, eating out is expensive and I wouldn’t enjoy that knowing how much it costs. I would have been happy with a slice of cake. I sound like a right saddo I know.

Oh I really miss having my Mum to treat she would only let me do little things like pick her a cream cake up on the way round or a cup of tea when out but I remember finally feeling I was doing ok in life when I could tell mum I was getting it and insisting irrelevant of the cost.

I think they do perceive me as better off but I’m most likely not. I haven’t pretended to be so I’m not sure what they would think that. I understand what you’re saying but they will often buy things that aren’t necessities (not judging just stating facts) that are more expensive than the drink I would have.

Well personally it wouldn’t bother me. I think I’ll always pay for my kids when they’re adults. My in laws do not like it when we try to pay and I’ve learnt over the years to accept them paying and thank them. However, I know that my mum likes me to treat her now and again so I do that. It’s very variable from family to family but I wouldn’t mind my kids not paying, my money will go to them anyway.

This.
It's a couple of quid for a slice of cake and a cuppa.
You sound like you would even be happy at dunken for a £3 49 coffee and doughnut deal.

Really? What makes you think that? I was quite guarded so as not to out myself. We speak every few days, see each other at least weekly, tell one another we love each other etc. I’m not sure what gives you that impression?