AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

I genuinely would!

I had to tell my kids it was expected that they buy an odd coffee or ice cream for us - we don't ask them as adults to pay for much - not even presents or card- but for fucks sake I thought they'd have copped on - but they hadn't. Now they do. Sometimes you have to point shit out!

You don’t sound like a saddo @OPbut it does sound like you’re making something very large out of them not buying you tea and cake. You’re sad that they haven’t thought to do so and you feel unappreciated… but I also feel like you’re layering much more onto that in the face of your diagnosis. Try not to paint your child as the figure to blame for all of the anger and unfairness and fear or sadness or regret or whatever else that you are feeling right now.

Keep it simple and ask them to pay. They’ll likely jump at it and do so with a smile. Don’t be tearing your entire relationship apart in your mind over such a small act.

I think you should offer next time. It feels nice, I appreciate you’re scraping by but if you buy yourself a coffee occasionally (no idea if you do) then I don’t think it’s too much to expect that you offer to buy one for the persons that raised you.

Well done! I don’t want to hurt their feelings or embarrass them. You would just imagine seeing the way other adults act would be enough.

I think if you want the financial relationship you have with your children to change now they are adults, you need to be having a conversation ahout that. Some adult children will modify that relationship themselves over time, but for most people they continue having the same financial relationship they have always had as that’s the pattern they are in, and in order to change the pattern to change they need to become aware of it, and that it is no longer working for both parties. Money is never a comfortable conversation, but when you don’t have it resentment can build up, and it can damage the relationship without the other party even being aware of the issue. I think this is probably the case here and once you address this, you will be able to have a more reciprocal financial relationship that makes you feel valued.

They probably don’t really feel like an adult yet

I won’t. I will never say anything. I think that might be part of the problem, it if I love you then I will absolutely not hurt you or let you down.

My parents always insisted on paying for everything, I'd offer they would refuse. The only payback really was a generous gift for a birthday or Christmas where I would take them out for a meal. Most of my friends were the same, as is my DHs family. I offered but I know my sis rarely did and would roll her eyes at me going through this silly dance and end up with them paying anyway. My godmother still insists on paying for my cup of coffee when we meet up. I'm nearly 50! But she still sees it as her role as a godmother.

I think you need to ask here OP and please don't see it as a reflection on anything else.

How old is your child OP ? I can’t remember when I first paid for something for my Mum or Dad, but probably late twenties ? Before then it was usually either a family dinner somewhere when they were clear that it was their treat, or I was in a cafe with Dad and he would pay.
My dd has paid for coffee for me, she is a student, 21

I think they would find it baffling if I offered. They still pay for my cleaner and for my daughter's ballet lessons, they don't want money from me they just enjoy the time together

It is no reflection on your mothering or their feelings towards you I am sure x

Yes this is what I am trying to say. I think it's a sign of someone who feels happy in the child - parent dynamic and comfortable that they are wanted for their company not for their willingness to stump up the cash

I sympathise that it's made you sad op but you do need to hear these explanations

Same here really - not rich but they wanted to pay, always.

I think dh would offer but he never goes anywhere just him and a parent it’s always a big group thing and at which point his dad would never let one of the children pay. So maybe he wouldn’t.

Maybe rounds at a pub with fil it would be allowed but other than that the “children” are that children who are paid for.

Maybe, they are a parent so hopefully they do soon.

I still rely on my mum for support even though I have a full time job and pay my own rent, her and dad don’t struggle and don’t ever expect us to get them anything other than cards at birthdays etc cos they know we struggle. Different families will think differently. I make sure mum gets something nice on Mother’s Day and birthday tho even if it’s small or I make it myself. I 100% don’t feel like an adult at all.

I'm the opposite, my adult parents never offer to pay for anything simply because they are tight and don't want to spend anything. They stay with us for months each summer and don't contribute a penny.

I think sometimes a well loved child doesn't realise a parent would actually want them to pay. Mum is mum and you usurp their position by offering to pay. Suggest it if you want them to pay their way sometimes it probably hasn't crossed their mind.

As the saying goes it's the thought that counts.
When we eat out with the family we almost always pay. I want to pay because I like treating them. However they always, always offer and occasionally rush to pay before I do. That's the difference.

So YANBU, they should at least offer and occasionally pay.

Do you ever repay their generosity in other ways eg invite them to your house for a meal or for Christmas etc?

I can understand why you're upset. I'm not sure how to change the dynamic though. I enjoyed treating my Mum from my first Saturday job onwards, it was lovely to feel grown-up buying her a coffee! As they're a parent themselves, perhaps your adult child enjoys reverting to child mode when they're with you, i.e., letting Mum spoil them abit?