AIBU to feel hurt my adult child never offers to buy tea?

[Pleasant1234]

To feel annoyed that my adult child has never once bought me a coffee / tea?

I’ve just received a life limiting diagnosis and I am hyper fixated on this (appreciate it may be that my brain is using this as a distraction).

This has always been the case since they left home 6 years ago but for a couple of years I’ve been quite annoyed that they always expect me to pay when we meet up. I’ve done all sort of things (except actually speak up honestly - I know, I know) I’ve sort of held back when it comes to paying to the point that it’s uncomfortable and I’ve stopped suggesting meeting outside anywhere and nothing has changed. So I’ve just limited how often I meet them somewhere where I’ll be expected to pay and hog on with life.

But now, I just had this thought that struck me, I might actually die having never had my adult child (who I think I was a good Mum to and don’t think they would argue with that) want to treat me to a hot drink or piece of cake and I feel so sad. I can’t say anything now of course but I just used to enjoy treating my Mum to things and she certainly didn’t put as much effort into Motherhood as I did. Their partner does things like this for their Mum as well, absolutely no jealousy but it’s not a lack of seeing it. I don’t know why my child never wanted to do that for me. There’s no hidden trauma or slow release of info and they ask me for plenty of favours that I acquiesce to and ask for zero in return. I have never fallen out with them or expressed displeasure at a single thing they’ve done as an adult. Tell them I’m proud etc. I think I’ve just always seemed capable to them (because I am) and therefore it just never occurred to them but I feel let down. I know that’s unreasonable because I should have tackled it before now.

Help me not let this bother me.

Last mothering Sunday I informed my kids (20 and 24) that they were taking me out for breakfast. I still had to organise it and booked the restaurant, but made it clear they were paying for mine between them!

One is working full time and living with her partner's parents rent free, the other lives rent free with me (currently struggling to find a job post college) but gets some universal credit. So, I thought it was about time they treated me given that I've looked after them and paid for everything for years including 4 years of university for DD which cost me £25,000.

When it came to the bill I told them they needed to request it from the waitress and then left them to pay up, and they did!

They need to learn. I'm not a cash cow they can also pay their way.

It’s downright rude ordering the most expensive thing on the menu on a consistent basis when someone else is paying

He is a rude entitled tight twat and it is definitely not your fault because you are quite clearly a generous person

Please forget your purse next time or if you arrange to meet by text drop in the line only if you are paying etc or similar

Id happily buy you a coffee and cake!

Next time, please do. And you don't have to phrase it as a question either. A conversation can go something like this:
"Mum, I think I will have filet mignon"
"That's a lovely choice, darling. I am just going to order my own lunch. See you at the till when you are ready".

This would hurt me big time, but my love language is gifts for others so I’m not totally impartial (it is not my receiver love language)

I pay my Mum for childminding (she could have another job but if financially comfortable and doesn’t need paid but it is my way of showing gratitude to her) I treat her and Dad to holiday inclusion, spa days, random make up and pamper things and meals / coffee and treats. Why! Because I appreciate all she does for me and want her to know she is worth treasuring

so yes, I would be really hurt if I was in Your shoes. It is not the money per se, but the unspoken expectation and feeling taken for granted. I would start to be first in the queue and only pay for my own order. Just to test the waters and gauge the reaction and go from there. Do not be a walk over or an unappreciated mug. Take a subtle and gentle stand

The way things are with my family, whichever generation is the oldest pays when we go out. So grandparents pay if we all go, parents if they don't go, us if it's just us/us and siblings. It'll be paid back to future generations as they come along and get things paid for them. There's absolutely no point arguing this, they always win!

If you can't afford it, that's different of course.

Them not saying thank you is a much much bigger deal to me. That’s outrageous and my mum would be disgusted if I didn’t thank them… she’d wonder why my manners had deserted me.

I'm afraid it's that old saying OP.

'If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you've got'.

I'd love you to take action. You'll be doing them a favour, make them think.

Thank you x

I might be skewed because I left home at 17 (2016) and have paid my own way since - but I’ve not let my mum pay for a thing. Never would. Taken her on holiday and have always offered to help her out when she’s needed (never accepted but I understand that).

I would be pissed if I was in your position. She’s not destitute and she can afford a coffee or small treat. The thought of my mum paying when we go out is embarrassing to me.

My parents pay for everything when we go out and always have - they live in a 500k house and have more money coming in via their pensions than I can ever dream of earning 🤷‍♀️

This. My adult children rarely pay for me. My youngest (student, 21)-never. Not even a coffee but would readily spend a whole lot of money drinking with friends. Very very very occasionally my 25 yr old might buy me a very cheap lunch. I brought them up on my own and it was a struggle at times. It would be nice for them to treat me. Nothing huge but it would mean so much.

I imagine you’ve all had very stable family lives by the sounds of it. I know if had stayed with my 1st long term partner we would have paid off a mortgage on house worth lots of money by now. As it is, I started again in my 30’s so I’m not doing as well as some others my age. That’s not to say I’m struggling to buy a coffee but I think the ‘oldest pays’ makes sense if those people are clearly the wealthiest in the room. Although I do think there’s something nice about someone treating you now and again.

This. Even if they do see me as better off (I’m not) then they also are fully aware that I brought them up for 4 years without any child support. That’s not easy. A coffee once a year wouldn’t kill them.

This threadhas made me realise one of my dc always expects me to pay / drive etc. The other will happily pay for the table or help me out willingly.
Think its a personality thing.

You are definitely not being unreasonable OP! I would be so hurt and I would have to speak up. My child is a teen but they still know that they have to use "their" money to treat the parents/other family sometimes to a drink or an ice-cream.

I honestly can't believe the answers here!
Just because you believe your parents to be better off or you're paying childcare etc doesn't mean you can't put your hand in your pocket!

My parents are very generous. My DF still pays for my mobile phone fgs. They take us out for regular meals and even holidays. Though if I never paid for anything, even if the value could never repay what they have given us - I would soon be given a short shrift. It is so rude and ungrateful to constantly take someone else's generosity and not even make a token effort at reciprocating.

I’ve been treated very similar op. I was a lone parent zero money but did the best I could. So not as if my DC thinks I have money and DC knows I no longer can work due to my health. So pretty obvious I have no money and I only do things when I can afford it so save up.

DC is in their 30s now, a few years it really got to me I had a whole year of feeling really really low about it. As you are feeling now. Because DC has never taken me out or treated me. I would have been happen with a cup of tea and a slice of cake on my birthday, a meal deal literally anything where I was treated. Every birthday and Mother’s Day for two years that’s all I said I would like and it still never happened. my DC has never learnt drive so this has added to it as when we used to go out together I would also have to drive us, I have a disability and I’m not up to driving both ways or any driving on my bad days.

DC did used to buy me nice gifts. A couple of Christmases ago they got my mum, their grandma, a really lovely gift which they also posted off. And then on Christmas Day I got something tiny in comparison (think £1 choc bar) so I was hurt.

Very sad but I’ve given up on it now. I still don’t get taken out or treated ever and I’m now not bought presents either.

this birthday I got nothing, this Mother’s Day also got nothing. last Mother’s Day I was being more positive after getting nothing and did myself a fancy afternoon tea at home.

But I am tired of it all now, I’ve had some bad health problems too and I remember sitting and crying one evening that I’m going to pass away and will have never been taken out by my DC and bought a drink and a cake. I know it sounds silly but I think you will understand.

If I buy my mother anything she insists on giving me the money. It means I don’t bother.

I would like to treat her but she won’t allow it, so now I don’t even try.

My parents are married and still working though so that may have something to do with it. My mother treats her mother but they’ll take it in turns.

I think families do things differently. My elderly parents would never dream of accepting a tea or coffee or cake from me. It’s always always the other way round. They always pay for me. If I offered, they would refuse.

I think you should start by making it more obvious when you are treating them "I'd like to take you out for coffee/lunch today" then the next time ask if they want to split the bill or each pay for your own. People aren't mind-readers so why should your children think you want to change the way you have always done things? You know they aren't going to suddenly offer to pay unless you say something. Hopefully, in time, they offer spontaneously.

This is really sad to read and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I remember feeling pleased the first time I could treat my parents to tea and cake. They have much more money than me and are generous but they do appreciate when they are treated to tea or a round of drinks in a pub.

My DC (14), returned from town with a small cake from a bakery for me, completely unprompted and the first time. I felt quite emotional that he had thought of me when he was out and used some of his money to treat me. It isn’t about the amount of money, but the gesture. I grew up watching my parents and their siblings pay for their much less well off parents so it isn’t always the oldest must pay.

I don’t know how you change it now. Maybe say that you can’t meet up because you’re sticking to a budget and see if they offer?

I am so sorry. I think that they love us and I also think that when I pass (and you) they will have regrets and I don’t really want that for them. I wonder if being a single Mum has been a factor? I know I tried to be enough for 2 parents, more gifts, more days out etc. Always just being steady and never needing anything. Perhaps we should have been more selfish.

The fact that they don’t say thank you would bother me more than them not offering to treat you occasionally. That is downright rude and I would certainly pull them up on that, however old they are. Did they say thanks for things when they were a kid? When did it stop?

I don’t know! They certainly said thank you but I don’t know when it stopped. I think part of it is them not wanting to acknowledge that I’ve paid because then it’s not really true and if they say thank you then they are admitting they have no intention of offering to send over any money for their drink / food? Like burying their head in the sand because remember I never actually offered at any point to buy their things. But then that makes me think they know better which is even sadder to me. Because they say thank you do I do something for them that has no monetary value. I know where I went wrong. I tried to be Mum and Dad, I carried some guilt that made me act like I was super Mum on top of already being a people pleaser (bombastic father, children should be seen and not heard etc) My partner did try to tell me that I was a but too easy on them but I was so paranoid about a man trying to tell me what to do with my children that I was defensive and didn’t listen. I remember my child as a teenager asking me to buy them a drink they had never tried before in a restaurant and I did. It was expensive and after one sip they said they didn’t like it. I don’t know why that stands out to me but I think on some level I realised that they never would feel the same as I did at their age. I would have drank it, said I liked it and never again asked for it. They left it, all £5 of it. I laughed it off and I was glad that they didn’t feel they had to people please me (I felt I had broken the cycle) But I was trying so hard not to become my own Dad that I went too far. I should have told them that I wasn’t buying something for them to try for the 1st time where it was 3 times the price it was in the supermarket. Even now I’m not sure what I should have done but I do know that I probably had lots of little moments like that where I should have handled things differently and they maybe wouldn’t feel so entitled. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

They did buy me a bar of chocolate as a teenager and it meant a lot to me! It stopped when they left home.

I have said a few times in the last few months that I’m trying to save money so we’re staying home etc. they came over and that’s fine but occasionally I like going out. It wasn’t enough clearly to say that I was skint.

Years ago, before she passed, I was desperate to treat my mum but just had no money. I've always been a single parent, and my child's father has never given me a single penny. I've always worked but it was so hard paying for all the school stuff, no support from the father, and never seemed to qualify for any benefits.

I once went to order fish and chips for my mum and myself one day, it was coming up to about £25 total (I know, we're from London) and my card was declined. I had to tell my mum (she'd just been diagnosed with a serious illness) and I saw a tear run down her cheek, and I've never forgotten it.

I'm fine for money now but she's been gone about 13 years so I never did get to do anything nice for her.